And Then I Ate Cheese Fries

ZMas 2011

2012-01-18T09:51:00.000-08:00

How do I describe what Zmas is? It is a marvelous celebration combining a love of zombies, the Christmas spirit, preparation for the Zombie Apocalypse (which I have trademarked the Zompocalypse™), games, prizes, and of course bacon. Drew, Olivia, and Carson started this tradition in 2010 but made the decision to expand the celebration to masses in 2011. Per email invitation from Drew, here is a description of what was in store:

“This year we excitedly announce the next phase of Zmas. We would like you to join us for a zombie themed evening of fun, games, and zombie defense training. We ask that each guest bring a wrapped weapon that could be used to dispatch encroaching zombie hoards to include in a "white elephant" style gift exchange. In addition to the gift exchange there will be prizes awarded for winners of our zombie themed games!
Do not put too much thought into the gift exchange purchases. Simply walk around Home Depot until you find something that appears to have some killing potential. Past weapons have included outwardly benign items such as a cast iron skillet and a crowbar. Any item capable of delivering blunt force trauma to a zombie’s skull is perfect.”

The Zmas story really starts with my weapon preparation. Fortunately I live a block away from Tenebuam Harware. Normally I love their costumer service and abundant attention but seeing as I was looking for items to build a zombie killing weapon I wanted as few questions as possible. I didn’t really know what I was looking for so I just walked the aisles politely declining any assistance. I finally decided on combining the traditional ‘2x4 with large nails sticking out of it’ with a small $10 metal shovel. The wood planks (excuse my lack of handyman technical term knowledge) were very cheap but way too long so I asked a guy there if he could cut it for me. So of course he asked what I was working on and the first not completely weird thing I could think to say was, “oh it’s for an art project for school.” Then when I was trying to find the right size nails in a boxed quantity of less than 5,000 he asked how many I needed and proceeded to open a box, take 3 out, and tell me to just put them in my pocket. Olivia fiercely models my ZomKiller 3000 below:

Zmas was held on December 10^th this year and was an unforgettable event. As all successful parties require there was a plethora of delicious food and drinks including event themed Zombies (the cocktail) and Rogue Dead Guy Ale and my first attempt at bacon wrapped dates (they were so delicious and have been made several times since).

As well, the sorority girl in me insisted that I make a shirt themed for this special occasion:

Zmas consisted of several events in which the winner received the traditional Zmas gift of a machete. Yes, Drew ordered machetes as prizes. First event was Zombie Trivia in which I slaughtered the competition (no surprise from anyone) and was awarded the first machete. Here’s me looking extremely uncomfortable holding a machete.

Next up was zombie weapon trivia which mainly consisted of knowing a lot of types of guns. Markus took the ~~crown~~ machete on that one. Here he is in his zombie attacked outfit getting way too friendly with his prize:

Then it was time for the zombie weapon white elephant exchange. All homemade weapons were wrapped so that we didn’t know what was inside.

We drew numbers for gift selection order and the process of choosing, stealing, trading, punching, and whining was underway. I was in awe of the time, effort, and creativity of most of the weapons. Once we had all opened our gifts we voted on best weapon. The honor went to Olivia whose weapon was basically a plunger filled with cement with very large nails protruding. A close second (and the gift I ended up with and thought was the most hilarious) was Arthur’s weapon which was a hammer dipped in glue and rolled in shards of glass. As I opened the gift, Arthur warned me to be very careful as the glue had not fully dried and pieces of glass were haphazardly falling off it. Some shots of the Best Weapon winner and runner-up and the whole gang with their Zmas weapons:

The final Zmas event was the Zombie killing contest which involved shooting a BB gun inside Drew and Olivia’s aparment. Drew found these awesome shooting targets where the BB would make the target turn green if you shot the zombie in the head, yellow if you shot the zombie anywhere else, and red if you shot a victim. It’s the first time I’ve shot a BB gun and I was terrible at it but it was so much fun. The winner was the person who had the best shots (3 shots total) in 10 seconds. I took almost a full minute to get off three shots and only hit the target twice. Eric was the proud winner of the zombie killing contest.

Then Arthur suggested one last Zmas event: to end the night watching the critically acclaimed Zombie Strippers. For any of you who want to check out this masterpiece starring America’s sweetheart, Jenna Jameson, here’s the IMDb link: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0960890/. Fair warning, once you see a zombie stripper shoot pool balls out her hooha, you can never unsee it.

With bellies full of delicious food and drink, minds full of zombie trivia, hands full of homemade weapons and machetes, and hearts full of Zmas magic, we were satisfied to call Zmas 2011 a total success.

Book vs. Movie

2011-10-21T07:16:00.000-07:00

A couple days ago I unfortunately watched Rules of Attraction starring none-other than James Freakin’ Van Der Beek. I only watched it because I read the book about a month ago and found it very entertaining so I was curious if the movie was decent. I was especially interested because Bret Easton Ellis also wrote American Psycho which is one of my favorite movies. Whomever he sold Rules of Attraction to did not do the book any justice. They took a very dark, disturbing, funny book and turned it into a superficial quasi-RomCom starring Dawson.

I understand that many movies differ from the book, but this movie was missing major plot points and then just completely changed others (e.g. the female lead is super slutty in the book yet in the movie they make her a virgin, or the two male leads have a romantic relationship while in the movie they barely say 5 words to each other). At times I realized that if I had never read the book I would have no idea what was even going on in the movie or what they meant to imply. For example, Paul and Mitch are making small talk over a keg and Mitch blurts out, “I warned you, don’t say I didn’t warn you” and walks away. End scene. The viewer has no idea what on earth Mitch warned Paul about. In the book when this happens, it’s in reference to the two of them having a prior sexual relationship and Mitch warning Paul that he’s not for real gay and so Paul shouldn’t have been surprised when he ended things to get with a girl. In the movie nothing else is said, it’s never referenced again or ever explained. Anyway the movie is awful but it got me thinking about other books vs. movies. I think it’s generally agreed upon that the book is always better, but some movies out there put up a good fight.

The Movie Blows:

- Rules of Attraction Already discussed above. Boom. Roasted.

- Choke One of my favorite books ever but the movie was pretty worthless other than Sam Rockwell is awesome. As with Rules of Attraction, it’s hard to get all the complexity of the book into the movie so while I could appreciate some clever dialogue, etc. I would imagine it would be lost on someone who hasn’t read the book and doesn’t have the appropriate background info.

- The Da Vinci Code Not really one of my favorite books either but a good poolside read. It’s hard to enjoy the movie because it’s pretty much impossible to get past Tom Hanks’ hair.

- Something Borrowed Not my typical kind of book but it was very enjoyable for a plane ride. And I’m cheating because I haven’t even seen the movie -- but I can absolutely guarantee it’s terrible. And this review I came across really made me laugh “The film seems to think that we will find something entertaining about Darcy just because she's played by Kate Hudson. It's hard to imagine a worse miscalculation.” (Snider, Eric. Review from Film.com)

The Movie Is Decent

- The Road The first Cormac McCarthy book I read and I couldn't put it down. Viggo Mortensen was great but overall the movie was just ok. It’s hard to capture McCarthy’s amazingly disturbing imagery and the movie didn’t quite get there.

- Where the Wild Things Are I know a lot of people who loved the movie but I just wasn’t feeling it that much. Visually it was beautiful but overall I found it pretty boring. For most of the movie the people and beasts took turns getting their feelings hurt, beating the crap out of each other, and then everyone just loved each other again without really learning any lessons (which I feel should happen considering it’s based on a children’s book).

- Marley & Me Chosen as Walker Family Christmas Day Movie '08. Both the book and movie were cute but nothing life-changing. I didn’t think I was that in to either one until the end of both when I was bawling and realized I really cared about that damn dog. Can’t go wrong with a good dog story J

Both the Book and Movie Are Awesome

- No Country for Old Men I actually am in the middle of reading this book but it’s fantastic so far. This is one of the rare occasions where I’ve seen the movie first. Usually I hate this because then you already have a picture of the characters and don’t get to use your imagination but I think the movie did such a stellar casting job that I don’t mind. I highly recommend both the book and the movie.

- The Shining The first Stephen King book I ever read and obviously after that I was hooked. I think I saw the movie in like 6^th or 7^th grade and was terrified! The blood flowing from the elevator and the creepy twin girls were captured really well and for sure gave me nightmares. If you can stand looking at Shelley Duval’s droop-face for 2 hours, you can really appreciate Jack Nicholson’s unparalleled brand of crazy.

- Fight Club Not my favorite Palahniuk book but definitely a unique, dark, and hysterical read (in typical Palahniuk fashion). I was so impressed with how well the movie was done. Brad Pitt and Edward Norton made a great team. The movie managed to stay really true to the book and I loved how many word for word dialogues took place in the movie. Crap, I forgot that the first rule of fight club is you don’t talk about fight club.

There are so many more examples but these are the ones I could think of off the top of my head. I read a lot but I don’t really watch that many movies so, even though my opinions are correct and awesome, I’m probably not the best person to be writing on this topic. I’d love to hear your thoughts on the books you’ve read versus their movie adaptation!

T-Rex Layaway

2011-09-20T19:21:00.000-07:00

A few Friday’s ago, a group of friends decided to get together to watch Jurassic Park for Movie Night 2.0: Raptors & Wine. The first movie night (featuring American Psycho and me drinking WAY too much wine) was such a success that we had to do it again. We met up first at Bin 36 for some wine flights and dinner. Over dinner the boys started reminiscing about the Jurassic Park toys they had when they were younger. Before my ears knew what was happening, I was pulled into one of the best stories I’ve ever heard. Eric explained that he had desperately wanted the T-Rex toy from Jurassic Park, but $32 seemed unattainable to the young Eric. He only received $2 per week for allowance.

I'm not even sure if this is the right toy, but I really like his "thrashing action"

As luck would have it, the store that housed Eric's desired T-Rex had layaway. Eric’s parents thought this could serve as a fantastic learning experience of patience and devotion. After hearing the whole story, I insisted that Eric and/or his parents write a guest blogpost to capture this amazing tale of parenting. Ken Bill (Eric’s dad) rose to the challenge. Here is his account of how it all went down:

It starts at Hills Department Store in Lafayette, IN 1991. Each time we visited the store, Eric would run to the Dinosaur aisle and stare at the T-Rex and ask “when can I get it?” After many trips it occurred to us that this could serve as a useful teaching moment. Layaway! If he really wanted it, he would be willing to invest in it. And, with patience (not a strength for E, I might add), earn it and acquire it over time. We placed it in layaway. On return trips to the store, instead of going to the Dinosaur aisle where there were several T-Rexes like the one in layaway, E wanted to "visit" his. We had to ask the salesperson if they would retrieve it from the back so that E could see he it was still there. E wanted to hold it. (Editor’s note: That is my favorite part! After contributing his $2 each week, he made the Salesperson bring out his T-Rex to visit! Love it.) After what seemed like an eternity, he would hand it over and say "I'll be back, T". We didn't make him wait as long as we planned, and finally the day came to rescue T-Rex from the chains of layaway. The look on E's face as the salesperson handed T over for the final time is forever etched in my mind. The good news - now all these years later, E can go to Walmart where they are celebrating the return of layaway!

A JOURNEY (see what I did there?) of Epic Proportions

2011-08-11T11:33:00.000-07:00

I don’t want you guys to think I’m all emo or something -- even though I do wear a lot of black eyeliner and frequently sweep my bangs out of my eyes. And feelings, I have so many of them. So to counteract the last post about the worst days of my life, I wanted to post about one of the best weekends of all time in the history of the universe.

On July 30, 2011, I attended an event that was the perfect storm of friends, beer, magic, Honda Pilots, unicorns, rainbows, and bands from the 70s culminating in the most glorious night. This event was the Journey/Foreigner concert. What follows is one of the most epic tales ever told.

The whole Journey/Foreigner gang

The day started by congregating at Olivia and Drew’s apartment. Olivia whipped up some delicious alcoholic smoothies providing us with the essential nutrients and vitamins needed for the adventure ahead. It was soon time to pile into the Honda Pilot that Carson borrowed from his mom so that we could all drive to Tinley Park together. Yes, we were riding in style. I had prepared an All Foreigner/Journey iPod mix for the road trip that quickly got us pumped for what lie ahead.

As we neared the venue, we decided to grab a bite to eat. I quickly shot down White Castle (seriously, who eats White Castle sober??) and we pulled into Culvers. Actually we pulled into the "exit only" lane of Culvers because Mike's excitement for the concert resulted in a complete disregard for the rules of the road. Maybe it was the energy I gained from my butter burger, maybe it’s because I had heard Hot Blooded no less than 80 times that week, but it was in the Culver’s parking lot that I bestowed to everyone what would become our anthem for the evening: The Honda Pilot Song. You really can’t capture the magic of this song by typing it out (I’d be happy to sing it to you in person!) but basically it goes to Foreigner’s Hot Blooded and you just throw in the words “Honda Pilot” as many times as possible.

We arrived at First Midwest Bank Amphitheatre, and cracked open the cooler of delicious Coors Light. Considering beers are $11 a piece inside, we wanted to have a few under our belts before heading in. We were soon informed by the 17 year old security guards that we were not allowed to tailgate. However, they apparently had no problem with us sitting inside the car and drinking. Fine by us, the interior of the Honda Pilot is luxurious. Vicki provided us with a delightful game of Liquor Grab Bag where we all got to pull an airplane bottle of liquor from a bag and drink whatever we pulled. A little after 6pm we were feeling good and it was time to venture into the venue.

We headed to the lawn area and claimed a great spot to throw down our blankets. As we waited for the show to begin, we realized we had entered the greatest people watching experience of our lives. Between the scantily clad cougars, security guard with an extraordinary ponytail, tannest women who ever lived, and the ultimate headbanger, it was endless entertainment.

That hair looked amazing as he headbanged throughout the night.

And then it was time to rock! Night Ranger kicked things off with a song we surprisingly kind of knew other than Sister Christian. Night Ranger did have a challenge filling their 15 minute time slot and had to resort to playing a Damn Yankees song to take up some time. Of course they ended things with a bang and just absolutely nailed Sister Christian. ¯ ...MOTORIN’... ¯

Now it was time to get our game faces on. We had been waiting with great anticipation since the tickets were purchased in April. We were about to see Foreigner and Journey live!! I can’t say enough good things about Foreigner. I’m a bigger Journey fan, but I’ll admit that Foreigner rocked slightly harder. They listened to our request to play the Honda Pilot song which brought a lot of joy to us. They ended with an unbelievable, life changing performance of Juke Box Hero that rocked our faces off.

Rocking so hard.

Journey mistakenly played a couple songs from their new album, but overall the set was phenomenal and I’m surprised that any of us had a voice left after screaming lyrics to song after song. Of course I love me some Steve Perry, but Pineda did not disappoint -- that adorable little Filipino killed it. We had thoroughly rocked and the lights went down. But was that the end? No! As Carson put it, “Journey rocked so hard they exploded into a supernova at the end of the set... Then came back as humans and played an encore.” Journey ended with the upbeat crowd-pleaser Any Way You Want It, and it was exactly the way we wanted it.

Journey explosion.

The concert was everything I had hoped for and more. We piled back into the Honda Pilot and started our trek back to Olivia and Drew’s. Carson had previously set ground rules for the person who sat shotgun and Drew did not let us down managing to moon multiple limos on the way home. Upon getting home, Olivia, being the amazing hostess that she is, provided us with hummus, pizza rolls, and perogies. It was a delicious feast of drunk treats that was a perfect end to the evening.

Because this was one of the best weekends of all time, the awesomeness didn’t end Saturday night. I’ll admit we were all a little worried about what Sunday would bring. Where did we go from here? What was there to look forward to anymore? But our concerns were quickly put to rest. There was reason to go on! We all awoke to the majestic scene of a blond angel (aka Carson) bequeathing unto us Dunkin Donuts Coffee, donut holes, eggs, and an extremely excessive amount of bacon. The weekend is definitely going down as one of the best ever.

Don’t stop believin’.

Honda Pilot 4 life.

Worst Days of My Life

2011-07-22T11:44:00.000-07:00

Today I’m going to share with you the worst days of my entire life. Actually a majority of that statement was false. First, these are “funny” worst days of my life, let’s not get into anything too serious here on ATIACF (Yay abbreves! Can’t believe that’s the first time I’ve used that). Second, I can’t say these are from my “entire life.” My memory is really bad so it’s more like whatever random stuff I can think of from the past few years.

1. Taking the GRE

Taking the GRE will make you feel really dumb. I don't like feeling dumb because I am always right. When I decided I wanted to go to grad school, I quickly realized I was going to have to take the GRE. I wasn’t worried about the writing or verbal reasoning sections, those were painless. But the other portion of the test is Quantitative Reasoning (arithmetic, algebra, geometry, and data analysis). I had to take one stats class in undergrad, other than that I hadn’t worried about math since high school. Luckily I had this video to help me prepare:

Everyone knows that I am a worrier, so it’s no surprise that on test day I was unbelievably anxious even though I had studied really hard. The math portion of the test is adaptive – so if you keep getting questions right the questions get harder, if you answer wrong then questions get easier. So I didn’t feel too confident when I saw the question 2 + 2 = ? come up. Just kidding, but the math portion did make me very uncomfortable and I probably have never been more nervous in my life. All in all not a fun day. But the story has a happy ending because I got into my first choice grad school and am now a Master of Everything ...or of Interpersonal Communication.

2. AΔφ Canoe Trip 2003

While I was excited for friends, drinking, canoeing, and fun, I already had a fairly pessimistic attitude for the weekend given that I hate camping. I tend to get crabby if I have to spend time outdoors while the weather is anything outside of the range 68-78 degrees. I also despise peeing outside. The trip started off on a high note: as we drove to the campsite, we passed poor Bambi lying mangled and dead in road. Don’t worry, CT told me the cute little deer was just taking a nap. For the second year in a row it rained all night and our tent definitely did not keep all the water out so that’s pretty miserable. Then we awoke to find that all the food and beer we had purchased for the weekend was stolen out of the cooler we left right outside the tent. LAME. As usual, me and camping just do not get along.

3. Spider. Bed. Eeek.

My parents' house is notorious for spiders. My parents live on a lake and the spider population is rampant. Usually they stick to the basement and leave other parts of the house alone. Usually they are of normal size and I can kill them no problem. But sometimes they are gigantic and have nasty super thick legs and are so gross I want to die. One Summer night I came home after a night out with friends. I got ready for bed, pulled back the sheets, AND THERE WAS THE BIGGEST SPIDER I’VE EVER SEEN WAITING FOR ME. A huge spider. In my bed. Waiting for me. I stacked up about 184 tissues cause there’s no way I wanted to feel any of the nasty creature when I grabbed it and smushed it. I never took my eyes off the thing because I knew if it scurried away and I couldn’t find it, I’d never be able to sleep in my room again. I stood there staring down the spider for at least 10 minutes, trying to work up the courage to grab it. I kept being like “Ok. One ...two ...three... go!” But I couldn’t bring myself to do it. It was way too scary. My dad was very pleased to be woken up at 2am to go kill a spider.

4. Easter Morning 2011

The Saturday night before Easter, I went out. Hard. Having a roomie that works at a bar can be trouble. Rooms says she can tell how drunk I am when I come to visit her by how high my voice gets. According to her, that night I sounded something like this:

Needless to say, I paid for it the next day. On Easter, I’m always in charge of dying eggs. I hard boiled them the previous day but I didn’t have to be out to my parent’s house until the afternoon (and I was anxious to meet friends out) so I figured I would just dye them Sunday morning. Big mistake. Because I wanted to die Sunday morning. It was a “I’m never ever drinking again” kind of morning. I finally forced myself out of bed around 11am because I didn’t have a choice - I had to take care of the eggs and get ready to go out to the burbs. Dying eggs was a challenge and quite inefficient as I had to stop every few minutes to run to the bathroom and barf. I managed to get the eggs dyed and throw myself together right before my brother and sister-in-law picked me up. But then things went from bad to worse. I had planned to just nap in the backseat and try to feel a little better. However, Chuck and Amber had decided to give Eli a bath that morning and he wasn’t dry yet. Guess what doesn’t make a hungover person feel better? Wet dog smell. But wait, there’s more. The other dog, Kagan, doesn’t do well on car trips and he spent a good portion of the trip throwing up. Guess what makes a hungover person feel the worst ever? Wet dog smell + thrown up dog food smell. It was the most excruciating car ride of my life.

There you have it. You should probably feel pretty good about yourself right now since these things didn't happen to you.

Best Commercials in the History of Television. Ever.

2011-07-08T07:52:00.000-07:00

Ok that title may be a bit of an overstatement. Which is odd because I never exaggerate.

Most of the time we are trying to avoid commercials by flipping channels or DVRing, but every once in a while a commercial comes along that you actually try not to avoid. This is by no means a comprehensive list, just a complication of some of my favorite funny commercials that have stuck with me from the last few years (and that I also constantly quote, and usually no one knows what I'm talking about ...which is pretty standard).

Burger King - I'm Spicy/What Time Is It?
Burger King has a pretty great history of commercials. I really enjoyed the ones featuring The King being a creepster. But my favorite round of BK ads were with the office crew circa 2004. Some even featured my husband, Joel McHale! These 2 are tied for ones I quote the most:

Burger King - What Time Is It? (2004) 0:30 (USA)

Sonic - Driving Me to the Movies!
Sonic also has a great repertoire of commercials. Most of the car ones are fantastic and I especially love this one:

Honda Element - I Peench!
I don't know why I like that little crab so much, but I do. You know, I've got some melted butter and some tongs in here...

Sonic the Hedgehog - Real Hedgehog Being Directed
It's so adorable. The best part is when the guy yells at the hedgehog with the megaphone.

Those are the ones that came to mind right now. I'm sure I'll think of some others later. Feel free to share some of your favorites!

P.S. Sorry for neglecting the blog lately. I’ve actually had a ton of work to do at work -- crazy, I know. Anyway, I’ll try to be better, I promise. I love you all. Cheese fries 4 life.

Elevator Etiquette

2011-05-26T11:57:00.000-07:00

From the girl that brought you Bus Stop Etiquette comes the newest edition to doing things the best way possible: Elevator Etiquette.

I work on the 8th floor (top floor) of my building. I take the elevator every day when I come in and when I go home. I tend to take it throughout the day if I have to travel more than 3 flights of stairs. I am astounded at the complete lack of elevator etiquette that I have witnessed here. Below is a list of common offenses and my rules for proper elevator behavior. If you are guilty of any of these acts I hope you know what a dickweed you are and please expect very dirty looks from me if we are ever in an elevator together.

1. Talking on phone: First of all, I guess I’m impressed that your phone continues to have a signal while riding the elevator. But can’t you just tell the person on the other end to hold on for a minute or that you’ll call them right back? It’s especially rude when the elevator is packed and you’re all standing shoulder to shoulder. Elevators are small and you are now talking directly in my face. I don’t need to be trapped in a small space with you forced to listen to how your cat is having a bad day and your color preference of post-it notes.

2. Taking the elevator 1 flight: If you have access to the stairwell in your building then make use of it. Especially if you’re going down. I mean, come on. I love modern technology, but that other cool invention, the flippin' stairs, are right over there. Obviously this is excluding certain situations such as someone on crutches or someone carrying a shitload of stuff (if it’s a shitload of cupcakes, give me one!). We only have 3 elevators for the whole building. I won’t ever get into the fact that a majority of the time one of them is out of service. I’m on the 8^th floor, I have dibs. During peak times, the wait for an elevator can be 5-10 minutes (hey, that’s long in elevator waiting time) because all you jerkfaces are taking it for one floor.

3. Sticking your arm (or other body part) in a closing door: Yes, yes, I know you are very important and couldn’t possibly wait for the next one. You have to go ahead and thrust your chicken wing in the door right before it shuts. I guess part of me thinks you’re brave because our elevators are not very responsive. I’ve almost lost a limb trying to hold it for one of you buttheads hustling to make it into this particular elevator. I think the rule should be that if the doors are more than halfway closed, just let it go, man. You didn’t make it in time and you’re just going to have to wait for the next one instead of putting my day on hold.

4. Holding the elevator open to ask if it’s going up or down: Your lack of proper elevator etiquette has found yet another way to prevent me from getting back up to my desk and the exciting world of financial aid. I bet the guy who came up with the idea to have light-up arrows on elevators is rolling over in his grave right now because it’s going to waste. Just look at the damn arrows. If the doors open and you see it’s going in the direction you want, then jump on in and join us. If it’s not the direction you want, don’t worry, yours will be along soon. Don’t stand in the doorway like an idiot saying, “Oh hey guys. How is everyone’s day going? Lovely weather, isn’t it? How ‘bout them Cubs? Oh, by the by, is this going up or down? Ohhhh, it’s going up? That’s not what I wanted at all. Glad I’ve managed to keep you from where you’re headed because I didn’t glance at those bright arrows in front of my idiot face telling me exactly which direction this elevator was traveling.”

5. Holding the door open to finish your conversation: It really amazes me the number of times I’ve experienced this. You’re in the elevator with a group of people, 2 of whom are having a conversation. Person 1 steps off at their floor. They aren’t quite done talking so they could either both get off together to continue or say something like “I’ll give you a call later, we’ll discuss this more” as the doors are shutting and Person 2 continues on to their floor. That’s what normal, considerate people do, right? Instead the two of them proceed to hold the doors open and continue their conversation. Please, by all means, take your time. Why don’t you guys play out a damn game of Risk right between the doors. I have nothing better to do than stand in this metal box going nowhere while you two carry out your conversation!!!

Hopefully no one that reads my blog is guilty of any of this terrible elevator behavior. If you do, we probably aren’t that good of friends anyway and you are quite welcome for making you a better person.

Finally, don’t be tempted to do this either:

"It looks like a Christmas tree."

Hey, Watch This!

2011-05-12T09:51:00.000-07:00

Guess what? This post is about watches. Now read the title again. Yay, I get puns!

This post is dedicated to that ultimate wrist accessory because I love watches! ...and I had nothing else to write about today.

Some girls obsess over purses, some over shoes, but my thing is watches. Don’t get me wrong, I have an obscene amount of purses and shoes too. But always at the top of my birthday or Chrismukkah wishlist, or just sometimes when I reward myself for being awesome, is a watch. My dad and brother are pretty in to watches as well, so maybe it’s just a Walker trait. While with the family for Mother’s Day, Amber showed off her new watch she got for her birthday and said “You Walkers are rubbing off on me, I’m really into watches now.” Apparently it’s contagious, so be careful.

So it’s time (yes! another watch pun!) to share my watch passion with the world. I’d like to feature my favorites from my ever-growing watch collection for your viewing pleasure:

Not the most expensive watch in the world but I think it is fun and a good everyday watch. Also sturdy, as I’ve had it for about 8 years. Although, I finally had to get the battery changed last year and when I took it to the Fossil store, they told me to come back in 3 hours. Three hours to change a battery?!

This is my “dressy” watch and was a gift a few Christmases ago. Here’s a prettier, shinier pic from the website. Sometimes I have no idea what time it is due to the lack of hour/minute lines, but isn’t it pretty?

This watch was also a gift and is my all-time fave. It’s just flat-out gorgeous and probably my most prized material possession. Yes, money can buy happiness. What else is there to say about it? It’s perfect!

I saw this ad in a Nordstrom catalogue last Spring and just had to have one. I originally wanted yellow but when I saw them in person, I definitely liked the blue one the best. Added bonus – goes perfectly with my Cubs apparel J

This is my latest addition. Since I love my white D&G so much, I've really been wanting a large black one (that's what she said). It arrived last week and I am quite pleased with it.

When I ordered my black D&G, I posted “Yay, new watch!” on Facebook and my roomie quickly replied with “Again?!” Hey, the way I see it, a girl can never have too many watches.

Living in the Music Past

2011-04-25T12:54:00.000-07:00

Several months ago, I attended a wedding in Champaign and shared a hotel room with some friends. While lying in our beds that Friday night discussing our favorite bands, the best song of all time, etc., Drew and I decided we were musical soul mates. I already like Drew, mostly because he laughs really hard at all my jokes, but this conversation cemented my appreciation for him. Basically we both whole-heartedly agree that there should have never been another song made after 2002. We both love classic rock and anything on Q101 from about 1996-2002.

Music during this time period really meant something to me and it just seemed so cool. I remember taping favorites from Q101’s top 9 at 9 to make some amazing mix tapes. Maybe it was because I was an angsty teenager and was all like “how do these bands know exactly how I’m feeling?” Or maybe music was just better back then. I used to spend hours online (I can still hear the dial-up connection...) for every piece of information available on these bands. I remember when Q101’s Twisted Christmas was the greatest event of the year where you could see bands like Cake, Foo Fighters, Garbage, Beck, Filter, Disturbed, Third Eye Blind, Oasis, Deftones, and Incubus perform together all in one night. Of course I’m into some great newer bands too and I don’t actually wish music stopped after 2002, but man was I obsessed with music back then.

Here’s a look back at some favorites...

Smashing Pumpkins – This was the first concert I ever attended (7^th grade), my notebooks were filled with the SP heart logo

Bush – Gavin Rossdale was so hot. Plus my dad earned major cool points when he came home with Sixteen Stone for me.

Cake – I was just plain obsessed with Cake and probably listened to Fashion Nugget more than any other CD I’ve ever owned.

Incubus – man did I have a thing for Brandon Boyd, plus I thought their music was like nothing I’d ever heard before.

No Doubt – Gwen Stefani was the coolest girl on the planet when Tragic Kingdom came out.

Goldfinger – this was the first "real" concert (aka first non-arena concert) I went to in high school. I came home with a lot of bruises but loved every minute of it.

Nirvana – I was just so grunge in 7^th grade with my flannel shirts and Kurt Cobain poster above my bed. I had the Unplugged in New York guitar book which I spent hours trying to master, I’m sure to the dismay of my parents’ ears.

Blink 182 – They haven’t exactly stood the test of time since I currently find it hard to listen to their 3 chords, but they played a huge role during my high school days. Dude Ranch was on constant repeat in my Eclipse. I have the best memories going to their concerts with Liz, Jeff, and Tom.

Weezer – The Buddy Holly video is still one of the best music videos ever made. Having been to a show just last year, I can say they’ve still got it.

Sublime – I knew every word of every song on the self-titled album. This guy who liked me Freshman year of high school used to write me notes with Sublime lyrics in them. <<Swoon>>

Foo Fighters – a quintessential alternative rock band, and one time I touched Dave Grohl.

Dashboard Confessional – majorly on the emo side of this music spectrum but who else could scream/sing about our feelings better than Chris Carrabba? When they first came on the radio, Tim used to roll down his car windows anytime Dashboard was on and blare it as loud as possible so that he could, as he called it, “advertise” the band.

There are so many more, but these are the ones that first popped into my head.

Not to mention some of the one-hit (or a couple more) wonders that never got old: Marcy Playground, Toadies, the Verve, Silverchair, Tonic, Harvey Danger, Gravity Kills, Nada Surf, Semisonic, Wheatus.

Yeah, there were some mistakes during that era: Creed, Sugar Ray, Moby, Nickelback, Smash Mouth, Limp Bizkit. Ok, BIG mistakes. But I’m willing to overlook them for the majority of awesomeness from bands during that time.

So who were your biggest music influences during your teen years/early 20s? I’m sure I’m forgetting some good ones and would love to reminisce with you and/or tell you how I have better taste in music than you do.

This list and this one may help jog your memory for some old favorites...

RIP North Face Jacket

2011-04-13T11:29:00.000-07:00

Well a tragic thing happened to me about a week ago. I was trying to leave the house to go do all the really important things that I do on a daily basis. I slipped on my North Face jacket and as I zipped it up the zipper disintegrated right in my hands.

I was super bummed but for the most part impressed when I realized how long this jacket has lasted. I got it either Junior or Senior year of high school which means it’s at least 10 years old. After college I bought myself a more grownup primary coat since I’m a professional. Don’t argue, I am so professional. However, my North Face jacket has still been perfect for casual occasions and to wear to bars without having to worry about it getting spilled on (or more likely, me spilling on it). I suppose I could get the zipper replaced but at this point it’s probably just best to move on.

So here’s to you, ubiquitously standard North Face fleece:

No jacket could have looked better with my Abercrombie sweater, Tiffany heart tag bracelet, and Silver jeans. Unlike you and your brood, I know Dave Matthews Band sucks, however, we still got along famously over the years. Thank you for being comfy, and warm, as well as being the only article of clothing I didn’t feel extreme anxiety over when touching any surface at Kams. Enjoy your retirement, I’ll never forget the times we spent together.

What Were Their Parents Thinking?

2011-04-01T07:32:00.000-07:00

I’d like to thank my parents for giving me a name that I’m happy to have for my entire life. Lauren Rose Walker may not be the most unique name but it’s pretty and I like it. According to this website, Lauren means “crowned with Laurel.” Go find out what your name means if you don’t already know. My parents’ second choice name for me was Nicole which, again, isn’t too exciting but perfectly acceptable. My parents didn’t really have much of a choice with my brother. I mean, when you already have three Charles Verne Walkers how could you not add a fourth?

The point is, my parents aren’t mean or batshitcrazy unlike some parents out there who have punished their children for their entire lives by giving them unbelievably awful names. We’ve probably heard some of the terrible celebrity baby names out there, for example:

Pilot Inspektor (Jason Lee)

Jermajesty (Jermaine Jackson)

Moxie CrimeFighter (Penn Jillette)

Kyd (David Duchovny and Tea Leoni)

Moon Unit (Frank Zappa)

Naming your baby isn’t some fun game where you start just putting random letters together and see what sounds the most gag inducing. Or you just name them the first thing that pops into your line of vision (looking at you Gwyneth Paltrow). We are talking about naming a human being who has to introduce themselves by this name to every person they talk to for their entire existence.

Teaching and working in Higher Ed for the last 5 ½ years, I’ve heard my share of horrendous names. I always say I’m going to write them down and keep a running list but unfortunately I haven’t done that, so I’m sure I’m forgetting some real winners. But I’m going to try to remember some of the absolute worst to share with you and I’ll add to the list as I think of more.

Chanel (not entirely bad on it’s own, but add in the fact she has a brother named Stetson, and yes it was intentional to name them after perfume and cologne)

Dorcus (What, Nerdface was already taken? Why would you wish this upon your baby girl?)

Tuesday Birdock (really, we can’t do better than naming a baby after a day of the week? Plus the word ‘bird’ is in there so it makes it even worse)

Ramen Benyamen (just say it outloud and try not to laugh or think of noodles)

Parris Harris (my most recent addition to the list and my current fave)

Plus my all time favorite worst first name, contributed by Olivia: AlPacino (no space, capital ‘A’ and ‘P’, this is what some crazy person named their child).

I’m sure you’ve encountered some unfortunate names along the way, so let’s hear them!

Running Sucks

2011-03-22T08:47:00.000-07:00

I’ve been saying for a long time that I want to make exercise a regular part of my routine but whenever I start a workout plan I quickly lose interest. I just really don’t find it enjoyable and have a hard time finding the motivation to stick with it. I’m not really that concerned about my weight; I eat whatever I want and my pants still fit. And I know I would just keep hitting the snooze button instead of getting up an hour early to work out. It’s also hard to want to exercise after being at work for 9 hours. But I know it’s important to be healthy and I feel really out of shape.

In high school I was super in shape because we were always biking everywhere and I played a bunch of sports. Since high school I haven’t regularly worked out except for the year I lived with my parents after I finished grad school. I was only teaching part-time so I had a lot of free time on my hands. The gated community where my parents live has a workout room with brand new equipment which was always free because, except for my parents and a few others, no one under 75 lives at Lake Barrington Shores. Plus there is a fantastic, hilly path along the lake that was perfect for rollerblading. What, rollerblading is cool, right?

Since I’ve lived in Lincoln Park for the last 2 ½ years, I haven’t done a whole lot of physical activity except walking up and down my 3 flights of stairs everyday. A couple years ago I fell really badly rollerblading and really hurt myself so I’m kind of scared to rollerblade around the city especially because the streets are in such bad shape with rocks and debris just waiting to get lodged in my wheels. I’m also way too intimidated to bike in the city. I have seen cars almost hit bikers so many times and I’ve heard too many horror stories of friends having biking accidents, including one who lost half his thumb because someone opened their car door into him while biking. Sorry if you just barfed.

With rollerblading and biking out, that doesn’t leave me with a whole lot of options for exercise except for running. Ick. Running is soooo terrible. It’s super boring and not fun. When I’m running the only thing I can think about is how awful running is. Honestly there are only 2 good reasons to run:

1. Toward cheese fries

2. Away from birds.

I just don’t really know what other options I have. I’d have a much more enjoyable time getting in shape by playing a sport with other people but I don’t really know anyone who is in a league (that also doesn’t care too much about winning and won’t immediately regret having my spazzy ass on the team).

So I’ve been reading a ton of tips and plans for beginning runners. I downloaded a google app called My Tracks that will record my path, distance, pace, etc. I bought some pants and shirts for running. I bought a new pair of running shoes. Aren’t they pretty:

I have the gear and I’ve done the research. Now I just need to get to that step of actually running. I’ll keep you updated on my (mis)adventures in running. Wish me luck!

Woohoo! March Madness is Upon Us!

2011-03-17T12:17:00.000-07:00

Alright, I’m not the biggest sports fan in the world. I haven’t followed pro basketball since the Bulls were winning championships and it was cool to be in love with Reggie Miller and Grant Hill. I hate football except for the food at Super Bowl gatherings. I don’t even have to explain why I’m not into soccer ...I mean, it’s soccer. The only sports I am genuinely interested in following are baseball and college basketball. And even I can admit that baseball can get pretty boring to watch unless you’re at the game.

I just love college basketball; to me it’s the perfect sport. One of my favorite memories from college was watching Illinois play in the championship game in 2005. Even though the loss was heartbreaking, it was so exciting, the campus had so much energy, and all the students flooding the streets afterward was unforgettable. It’s hard to be as into the sport when your team sucks, but I’m a Cubs fan so I guess I’m used to it. Even though the Illini will be lucky to win their first game in the tournament, I’m still really looking forward to watching a ton of great games these next few weeks.

So, I really just want to share my excitement with all of you over March Madness beginning this week! Good luck with your brackets! I’ll keep you updated on how I’m doing...

UPDATE 3/19/11: Go Illini! Thank you for at least winning one game this tourney. Bracket's not doing too bad, although Louisville screwed me. Aside from my bracket, my dad's friend has done a pool for as long as I can remember. Basically you draw a team out of a hat and that's your team to win it all. Or if you team loses but the winner doesn't cover the spread, you get the winning team. Which is exactly what happened to me yesterday: I pulled Boston U but Kansas didn't cover. So now I have Kansas, which is looking promising however a major conflict of interest considering they play U of I in the next round.
UPDATE 3/21/11: Well, as expected, the Illini are out :( But at least Kansas covered the spread so I still have that going for me.
UPDATE 3/28/11: After this weekend, my chance at any success during this tourney is over. Booo. At the very least, I am glad that I can go back to hating Kansas, it felt very dirty and wrong to be cheering for them.

Affect vs. Effect: You Think You Know But You Have No Idea

2011-03-10T12:25:00.000-08:00

Recently a coworker was drafting an email to a student and asked if she should be using ‘affect’ or ‘effect’. I know I learned the difference a long long time ago but, as I attempted to answer her, I realized I was second guessing myself. I didn’t like not knowing the answer to her question because I am so accustomed to always being right. Maybe it’s my old age (btw happy birthday to me!) or maybe I’ve just been out of school too long. I wrote roughly 820,369,418,604,784,542 papers throughout college and grad school and I definitely was clear on the proper usage back then.

I want you to know that I have NEVER misused there vs. their vs. they’re. Or your vs. you’re. Or than vs. then. But I was feeling unsure about affect vs. effect.

So a quick Google search will give us a little review:

Affect

To have an influence on or effect a change in: Inflation affects the buying power of the dollar.
To act on the emotions of; touch or move.
To attack or infect, as a disease: Rheumatic fever can affect the heart.

Effect

Something brought about by a cause or agent; a result.
The power to produce an outcome or achieve a result; influence: The drug had an immediate effect on the pain. The government's action had no effect on the trade imbalance.
A scientific law, hypothesis, or phenomenon: the photovoltaic effect. |
Advantage; avail: used her words to great effect in influencing the jury.
The condition of being in full force or execution: a new regulation that goes into effect tomorrow.
Something that produces a specific impression or supports a general design or intention: The lighting effects emphasized the harsh atmosphere of the drama.
A particular impression: large windows that gave an effect of spaciousness.
Production of a desired impression: spent lavishly on dinner just for effect.
The basic or general meaning; import: He said he was greatly worried, or words to that effect.

Then myself and two coworkers took this quiz:

Effect vs. Affect Quiz

One coworker got 7/11, one got 8/11, and I scored 9/11. The most important thing about all this is that I won. But I still didn’t do that well. I’ve always excelled at English and writing papers but apparently affect vs. effect can still trip me up. Take the quiz and see how you do. This stuff is tricky!

And now I’ve been saying affect and effect so many times they don’t even sounds like real words anymore...

Best Of: Teacher Evaluations

2011-02-22T11:13:00.000-08:00

For those of you who aren't aware, I taught Public Speaking at the University of Illinois during my two years of grad school and for a year at Triton College right after I finished my MA. In total it was 14 never-boring sections of very diverse students. I LOVE teaching. It’s challenging and really time consuming but also very rewarding and always equips you with an unending supply of ridiculous stories.

Like that time one of my freshman managed to tip his entire desk over and go crashing to the floor in the middle of lecture. I’ve never seen anyone’s face turn redder. Or the time a student’s mom called me to explain why her college-aged son wasn’t able to complete his homework on time. Or like the time my student came to class without any shoes on. Apparently the night before he had been through a little hazing at the frat he just joined and couldn’t find his shoes in the morning. But he did not want to miss my class so he walked to campus without his shoes. I made him give an impromptu speech about why he didn’t have shoes ...it actually turned out to be a pretty inspiring speech.

Unfortunately I’m not currently teaching because there are very few full-time positions available and adjunct positions pay next to nothing with no insurance/benefits. At least I’ve found other positions in higher ed where I still get to work with students. But I definitely don’t get to bond as much with the students and don’t come away with a new crazy story every single day (just every other day J).

As you probably all remember, at the end of the semester students fill out evaluations of the instructor and the course. I’m happy to report that overall I’ve received sincere, flattering, and encouraging evals from my students. I appeared on U of I’s “Teachers Ranked As Excellent By Their Students” all 4 semesters teaching there. Yeah, maybe I’m bragging a little ...but I put a lot of effort into my teaching and it’s good to know it pays off. Which brings me to the main point of this post: I’ve saved the best and funniest of my teacher evaluations. I figure it’s a good idea to save the really good ones if I ever apply for a teaching position again. Here’s an example of a standard eval I’ve received:

But then I have a handful of hilarious ones I've saved because they make me laugh every time I read them. Here's one that really highlights the strenghts and weaknesses of my teaching:

Maybe I can use this at my next job interview.

Interviewer: What would you say is one of your weaknesses?

Me: Well, I am just too darn nice. It's been a challenge going through life being too nice but I've managed to overcome this weakness by throwing in some bitchyness every once in a while.

Did I mention that the Course Director reviews all the evals before they are passed along to the instructor? Keep in mind that the Course Director is an incredibly sweet woman in her 70s. My evals can't even be the most inappropriate and I just imagine the look on her face while reading comments like "she DOMINATES."

I think this next student may have liked me just a little.

Finally, I'll leave you with my all-time favorite eval which really just says it all when it comes to Public Speaking.

Food With Dumb Names Udderly Piss Me Off

2011-02-09T11:14:00.000-08:00

One of my biggest pet peeves is when restaurants give really lame, stupid, corny names to items on their menu. I don’t want to feel like an idiot ordering food. I get very crabby when obstacles get in the way of me and food. If a menu item makes me embarrassed to say it outloud to another human being then it shouldn’t be named that.

There are some establishments out there that are skating on thin ice but don’t quite cross the line. Although it makes me feel a little dumb to order a Bacon Turkey Bravo at Panera, it’s not enough to rob me of the gloriousness that is bacon, turkey, gouda, and whatever the hell Bravo sauce is, on tomato basil bread. Then when it’s time for dessert, why I need to ask the cashier for a Chocolate Chipper is beyond me. So unnecessary, Panera. I will continue to just ask for a chocolate chip cookie. I think they’ll know what I mean. When I go to Jimmy John’s it makes my skin crawl a bit but I can manage to spit out the words “I’ll have a Big John.” Yeah they could have made my life easier and called it a Roast Beef Sub but I’ll get over it. No, what I’m referring to in this post are the names that are so heinous it makes me want to barf fire on a pile of kittens¹.

¹ Credit for the phrase “barf fire on kittens” given to: Hertko, Kristin (2011).

Let me give you some examples of items that make my face turn red having to say these words to a cashier/server. Jamba Juice offers a smoothie called Mango-a-go-go. There is not a chance I would walk up to the register and say “I’d like a Mango-a-go-go please” no matter how badly I want their delicious mango passionfruit juice pineapple sherbet beverage. I am forced to live my life without it because they couldn’t just call it a Mango Smoothie. Another great example is Moons Over My Hammy at Denny’s. Even in an extremely intoxicated state (which is the only way I would find myself at a Denny’s) there is no possibility I could get my mouth to form the words “I’ll take the Moons Over My Hammy.” Sure, I’m wasted and would love nothing more than to consume a ham, egg, and cheese sandwich with a side of hashbrowns but I guess I’ll have to live without it. Thanks for nothing, Denny’s.

My all-time most hated menu item is courtesy of Oberweis Dairy. Brace yourselves. They offer a blended coffee drink called the Udderly Mocha Moo Cooler. Ahhhhh. It’s so horrible. Not only do I have to say “udderly” instead of “utterly” but I also have to say the words “moo cooler.” Yes, I want a frozen treat. Yes, I would love to drink a scrumptious mixture of coffee, chocolate, and icecream. Yes, I would love to consume 760 calories through a straw. But I would rather shove sharp tacks in my eyes while listening to country music surrounded by birds than walk up to the counter and request an “Udderly Mocha Moo Cooler.” Just in case you’re wondering, there’s another one called the Pina Cowlada Moo Cooler. Whoever created these products is laughing him/herself to sleep because idiots are actually saying these words outloud.

The exception to the stupid, corny names is Pet Grooming and/or Boarding establishments. I don’t know why, but in this specific instance, the lamer the better. They crack me up and I love them. Let me share some of the best I’ve come across:

Central Bark Doggy Daycare

DoGone Fun Dog Daycare

Paws-A-Tively Pet Grooming

WigglyVille Pet Boutique

Bone’Jour Pet Salon

Citizen Canine Bed & Breakfast for Dogs

and my #1 favorite ...wait for it...

Barker & Meowsky: A Paw Firm

Bwahahahaha! How can you not LOVE those?

PUPPY PUPPY PUPPY: Cuteness Overload

2011-02-01T11:18:00.000-08:00

Chuck and Amber got a new puppy on Saturday. He is a Yorkie and Maltese mix, or a Morkie. And he’s damn cute:

Meet New Puppy Kagan

He is only 10 weeks old and was flown in from Iowa. Chuck and Amber wanted to meet him before settling on a name. I suggested Guinness because his body is the color of Guinness and the lighter fur on his face and paws look like the foam on top. Shaun suggested Chewy (as in Chewbaca) which I thought would be adorable. Chuck and Amber decided on Kagan, as in Supreme Court Justice Elena Kagan who was their Harvard Law School Dean. I’m just glad Amber didn’t allow Chuck’s first choice of Spike.

Before I talk too much about the new pup, I have to pay homage to Amber’s first dog, Eli:

Eli knows how to cheer me up!

I call him Cheesecake because of Eli’s Cheesecake. For a while Amber was very confused as to why I was calling her dog this as she has never lived anywhere that carries Eli’s Cheesecakes. I have spent lots of time with Eli over the years and have dogsat several times. Eli is the best! First of all, he is a Maltese but is gigantic – he’s a little chunky but mostly he’s just BIG. He is about 15 pounds which is quite large for that breed. Eli has the funniest personality. He loves to flop on his back for belly rubs. For some reason he likes jumping in and out of bathtubs (I think to try and drink from the faucet). Every single time you try to put his leash on he runs to slurp down some water like he needs to hydrate just in case this walk ends up being a 20 mile journey through the desert. One thing Eli does just for me is an acrobat routine on the couch: when I come over he tries to climb to the highest point on the couch, first standing on the arm then trying to stand on the skinny back of the couch. Usually I have to catch him from falling off. I think he is just trying to be the same height as me or something. Eli is also afraid of going up most stairs. So weird. He is fine on Chuck and Amber’s front stairs but he refuses to go up their back stairs or the stairs at my apartment. He will dig his heels in with all his weight and won’t budge until you pick him up and carry him up 3 flights of stairs. He is quite a character and I love him so much! Even with the new puppy, Eli will not get any less affection and attention!

Eli next to the Eli Cake that Amber made

Now, more on new pup Kagan. He is so tiny!! He will get to be about 7 lbs. but right now he is only about 2.5 lbs. I went to see him on Saturday and I think he was very exhausted from his trip and very nervous. He hardly moved; he just wanted to find a warm place and sleep. He was sitting next to me while I pet him and his eyes kept closing until he totally fell over. He fell asleep sitting up. Adorable!

I stopped over again on Sunday to see him and he was a little more active. He was following Eli around and exploring the house more. So far Eli is pretending he doesn’t exist but hopefully they will become friends soon. I think Eli will like him as long as Kagan knows Eli is the boss. I can’t wait to visit Kagan again soon. Hopefully he’ll be more comfortable in his new home and more playful.

I want a doggy so bad but right now it’s not an option since my apartment doesn’t allow dogs. Hopefully I can make it happen sometime in the near future. For now I’m glad I have lots of loving dogs in my life to borrow some playtime with J Shout out to some of my faves: Lucky, Eli, Kagan, Astro, Margo, Corona, Cody, Kinley, Layla, and Carson. Thanks for your unconditional love and always making me smile!

Birds Are Very, Very Scary

2011-01-19T10:05:00.000-08:00

I have been afraid of birds for as long as I can remember. I hate them. My fear stems from the fact that they are so damn unpredictable. They are everywhere and could strike at any moment. They’re just flapping around willy nilly and could peck your eyes out at any minute. And trust me, they are planning to peck your eyes out. What other thoughts could possibly be going on behind those beady little eyes?

"I would love nothing more than to peck your eyes out."

The official name for the fear of birds is Ornithophobia. Symptoms of Ornithophobia include: breathlessness, dizziness, excessive sweating, nausea, dry mouth, shaking, heart palpitations, inability to speak or think clearly, a fear of dying, becoming mad or losing control, or a full blown anxiety attack. Upon being in the vicinity of a bird, I think I have experienced every one of these symptoms, usually simultaneously.

I’m not entirely sure what initially caused my terror of these winged devils, I’ve hated them for as long as I can remember. The fear may have originated from a bad experience with a pet bird. When I was about 6 I had a parakeet named Tweety. One day Tweety got loose from her cage. Luckily she was confined to my room, but Tweety was flying around like a maniac slamming into walls and windows. It was pretty horrific to watch. I’m pretty sure I just sat in a corner covering my head while my parents tried to throw a sheet over her. Eventually they got her back in the cage but my feelings toward birds would never be the same. They were no longer sweet pets but beings that could turn into crazed maniacs in the blink of any eye.

I hate birds, but it seems like the feeling is mutual. The birds can sense my fear and go out of their way to torment me. I was in Vegas the Spring Break after I turned 21. Walking down the hallway at the Luxor I see this man with a huge bird walking toward me. This is Vegas, it’s perfectly normal to be walking down a hotel hallway with some sort of animal attached to an appendage. Plenty of other hotel guests are passing by the bird with no disruption; the bird won’t even give them the time of day. But right as I pass by, the bird gets agitated, flapping its wings and squawking right in my face. It was a BIG bird and it was terrifying and definitely as dramatic as I’m making it seem.

Another time, in grad school, I was awoken one morning by two of my roomies knocking on my bedroom door. I open the door, see panicked looks on their faces, and one of them says, “There’s a bird in the house and we don’t really know how to get it out.” Worst way to wake up ever. Luckily my boyfriend at the time was over and we were able to assign him the duty of ridding the house of evil. The bird was confined to the sunroom so we shut him in there until he was able to coax the bird out a window while we stood in the living room panicked and yelling. Very helpful, I know.

I have no problem inconveniencing myself if it means avoiding a run-in with a bird. Any time I spot a bird I will immediately place Shaun between myself and the feathered beast. (Forced) chivalry is not dead. If I am walking home by myself and there are birds gathered in my alley I will take the long way around the block to go in the front door just so I don’t have to walk past them. When those obscenely obese pigeons have gathered under the warmers at the L stop, rather than trying to shoo them away, I will stand in the cold shivering.

Now you may have seen me wearing feather headbands and feather skirts. You might be thinking that if I wear feathers I can’t be that scared of birds. Don’t be confused just because I like things with feathers on them. Feathers come from dead birds, which is the only acceptable type of bird. I cannot stress enough: do not underestimate the evilness and ruthlessness of birds. Always stay alert in their presence as they are no doubt plotting against you. Birds are very, very scary; be careful out there.

Blogtana: The Montana Blog Edition

2011-01-12T12:35:00.000-08:00

My 2010 holiday season consisted of 3 Christmases and a Hanukkah. The month of December kicked off the Chrismukkah season with Hanukkah being Dec. 1-8. During the second week of December, Shaun’s mom, stepdad, and sister were able to visit Chicago for Christmas #1. Sunday Dec. 19^th marked Walker Family Christmas in order to celebrate before Chuck and I went out of town. I spent actual Christmas in Montana with Shaun’s dad, stepmom, and sister for Xmas #3. This year we were able to spend a full week in Montana which was quite a nice little vacay.

You say you’ve never been to Whitefish, Montana? For shame. I’d like to take some time to fill you in on highlights of the Montana trip; hopefully you will not become overwhelmed with jealousy. If you happen to jump on a flight to Whitefish before you even finish reading this blog post, I would totally understand.

Like last year, much of our time consisted of playing boardgames, which typically results in me laughing so much my face hurts. We mainly played Trivial Pursuit, Scrabble, and Boggle. The version of Trivial Pursuit that resides in the Hildner household happens to be from olden times (the 70’s) so I pretty much don’t know any answers. I mean who doesn’t know that Jimmy Durante ended his radio and television shows with the sign-off of "Goodnight Mrs. Calabash, wherever you are." The Hildner siblings also remembered that Shaun built a ping pong table in highschool so we unburied it from the garage and had many intense ping pong tournaments. If you've never seen a guy in cowboy boots playing ping pong, you're really missing out.

I obtained a new nickname. I don’t know exactly how it started (other than the “Lor” sounds of both names) but Shaun’s family now calls me The Lorax which I think is pretty cute J Although I don’t see a ton of resemblances...

Shaun’s dad started a tradition several years ago of gathering the neighborhood on Christmas Eve to light luminarias around the pond. There are a total of 300 lights and it’s super pretty.

Not easy to see cause I'm a shitty photog, but the bridge is lined with luminarias

After setting out all the lights, we spend most of the time around a bonfire drinking super boozy delicious eggnog. Doesn’t get much better than that! There’s a chance I actually had enough holiday spirit and eggnog to join in some caroling around the fire …but don’t believe every rumor you hear.

This year Shaun’s parents really wanted us to take a trip up to the North Fork (pretty much to Canada) to see their cabin and all the work they’ve put into it. I was pretty nervous about the trip for 2 reasons:

1. No indoor bathroom, just an outhouse. We were only spending the afternoon but the drive is about an hour and a half each way so I figured I would have to pee at some point while there.

2. The car gets parked at a gate off the road and then you have to snowshoe to the cabin. I have never been snowshoeing and when I asked Shaun how far we would have to go he said about 2 miles. That’s really far in the cold and wearing these things:

I like trying new things but in general I’m not very outdoorsy. This says it all:

The afternoon at the cabin ended up being really fun and not scary. Peeing in an outhouse was freezing but not the worst thing ever. As far as snowshoeing, these things were a lot more high-tech than the image that originally popped into my head:

Made of titanium? What?!

Also, Shaun is terrible at estimating distance. We only had to snowshoe about 100 yards, not 2 miles. One of my favorite memories from this trip is playing in the snow with Shaun and Erika and using the roof of the shed as a snow slide.

Several nights, we went out ‘downtown’. Downtown for Whitefish is basically 2 blocks consisting of some shops, restaurants, and bars. It’s so weird to go out and everyone at the bars knows everyone else. It’s basically a high school reunion every night since most people either still live there or were home for the holidays. On the plus side, Shaun’s house is walking distance to the bars and drinks are really cheap compared to going out in Chicago. One night instead of going out we played beer pong on the aforementioned ping pong table with a few friends. I got to experience Kokanee beer which according to Shaun and Erika was a treat at high school parties compared to the standard Keystone.

Let me inform you that Kokanee is disgusting. Fact. One of the reasons it may have been so awful is because we all sucked at beer pong so bad that by the time we drank our cups the beer was warm. But I’m pretty sure Kokanee is still gag-inducing even when cold.

Even though there are a lot of aspects of Montana that are easy to make fun of, Montana is gorgeous and I had so much fun all week. Hopefully a Summer trip will happen so I am able to enjoy Montana without 16 inches snow. Anyone else want to come along?

Super Awesome Happy Fun Blog Dedication: Michael Carson Markus

2011-01-03T11:31:00.000-08:00

About a month ago, I decided to use my blog to bribe a friend. I was invited to watch a Bears game and given that I care nothing about football, I wanted to make sure fun friends were going to be there. Olivia told me that Markus was leaning toward not coming due to a work event. That’s when I realized I would need to step up and use the unparalleled popularity and clout of my blog to make sure maximum fun would be had at this stupid football game. I promised Markus that I would dedicate a blog to him if he came out. And he did, so it’s blogging time!

I met Markus through mutual friends and have known him for a couple years now. Markus is a very entertaining friend, fantastic to have around for drinking games, and always good for a laugh. Here are some things that make him extra cool:

Dexter is an awesome show and Markus was Detective Batista for Halloween:

I have 5 major food groups: Cheese, Cheese Fries, Beer, Bacon, and Cookie Cake/Treats. Markus is smart enough to bring cookie cakes to events:

Markus looks good eating wings:

He is not ashamed to play beer pong on my beer pong table that is really just a door cause it was cheaper than buying plywood. It takes up most of the kitchen and you really have to suck it in to fit on each side.

And he takes silly pictures with me when there is corn sitting on the windowsill at the bar:

So Markus, thanks for being an awesomely fun friend and I hope you enjoyed the blog in your honor!

P.S. Sorry everyone for the long break in blog posts. As I'm sure you all felt, the holidays get really hectic and I was very short on time. I promise to get back to regularly posting, I know your lives are meaningless without it.

Merry Chrismukkah!

2010-12-02T14:00:00.000-08:00

Wooo hooo Chrismukkah officially started yesterday evening! I cheerfully, with the assistance of Shaun, got the apartment into full Chrismukkah mode last night. If these pics don't get you into the Chrismukkah spirit, I don't know what will!

Here is the banner I made a few years ago:

This is our tree:

And the menorah with some ornaments on the mantel:

And here's me, Miss Chrismukkah:

And what better way to get into the holidays than a Santa Beer Bong? My friend, Cassie, made this brilliant invention when we lived together in grad school:

Are you in the Chrismukkah spirit yet?! I know I am!

Merry Chrismukkah to all and to all a good night!

My Weather App is Judgmental

2010-11-23T16:10:00.000-08:00

Here is a standard excerpt from my weather app on my Droid:

“Showers likely and a chance of thunderstorms in the morning. Unreasonably warm. Highs in the upper 60s. Southwest winds 15 to 25 mph. Cloudy with a 50 percent chance of rain showers in the evening, then clear after midnight.”

Weatherbug looks all cute and innocent but
it is judging the weather ...and you.

Unreasonably warm? It's Chicago, we all know that a lot of the weather is unexpected. Droid, who are you to say it’s unreasonable?

Ok, so my weather app actually uses the word “unseasonably” but every single gd time the app uses “unseasonably” I read it as “unreasonably.” My brain just does not want to process the word “unseasonably” so instead I’m left feeling like I need to defend the weather to my phone. Or maybe I should just learn to read.

Fainting LOL Cats

2010-11-18T08:22:00.000-08:00

Back when yours truly was a Junior in college, a lot of unsettling events were taking place: SARS was running rampant, Johnny Cash died, Iraq was invaded, and Avril Lavigne and Stacy's Mom were at the top of the charts. We were all in need of something magical to lift our spirits. We got just that when Chubtoad and myself were channel surfing and happened upon a story about these fellows:

It was pretty life changing and I still laugh really hard every time I think about those poor little goats getting startled. I would trade my your first born for a chance to meet one in real life and scare the shit out of it. Many, many times.

Then, a couple weeks ago, Chubtoad sends me a link that is even better than the goats: pathetic, helpless kittens with fainting goat syndrome!!!!!!!!1! OMG. If you don't LOL while watching this video then you most definitely have zero emotion and no sense of humor and you are in fact a robot. Actually that's not even true. I showed this video to my robot pals and they laughed so hard they cried. And then they rusted. Then they died. It was actually kind of a tragic event and I'm really not over it yet so thanks for bringing it up, jerkface. Anyway, just watch this video because it is incredible:

The Origin of Branchie

2010-11-12T13:54:00.000-08:00

A few months ago, bar hopping with Roommate on a Thursday night, we never thought we’d meet our new apartment mascot. But, on that magical night, it happened. And it was glorious.

Folks, let me introduce you to Branchie:

Isn't she great?

As we were ~~stumbling~~ walking gracefully down Wrightwood from a bar on Halsted headed over to Clark Street, there she was. The branch we had been waiting for all our lives. I was the first to spot her and quickly picked her up so that no one else could get to her first. When Roommate gave me a quizzical look, I announced “We could use this later.” And with that, she was our 3^rd musketeer.

I carried her down the street and we arrived at the next bar. As we entered, Roommate put her arm around Branchie and reassured the entire bar “Don’t worry, she forgot her ID, but she’s with us.” We took our seats at the bar. The staff did not seem pleased that we had brought a very large tree branch into the bar. It didn’t take long for a staff member to escort Branchie out of the bar. A good friend would have gone after her, but mine and Roommate’s priority at the time was beer.

A few sips into our drinks, this guy approaches and says “Let me buy you girls shots for bringing a whole fucking tree into a bar.” We accepted and were very pleased with ourselves for being so incredibly awesome. Things were fun until 2 seconds after our shots the guy says “So do you girls do coke?” Inappropriate and weird. We hurriedly finished our drinks and exited the bar. We were ecstatic to see Branchie was waiting for us in an alley right outside the bar.

No surprise, we swung into Weiner Circle for 2 orders of cheese fries and then made the short journey home with our new BFF. Branchie stayed in our living room for a few days …but then I got worried a bunch of ants or spiders or something would start crawling out of her so I moved her to the back porch. She’s been a fantastic 3^rd roommate ever since.

Bus Stop Enemy

2010-11-09T09:43:00.000-08:00

I have a bus stop enemy. I don’t know who this guy is, I’ve never spoken with him, but we are definitely enemies. It’s like in college during lecture at the start of the semester. It didn’t take you long to pinpoint your classroom enemy. You’ve never interacted with them, had no idea who they were, but you just knew that you didn’t like them and they were destined to be your nemesis for the semester.

Every morning I walk over to the bus stop and like a normal person I get in line behind anyone who is already waiting. Then my bus stop enemy (let’s call him BSE for short) gets there, walks right past everyone else to the front of the line and stands right under the bus stop sign. WTF.

This is me

Who does he think he is? Why does BSE think that he is so important that he doesn’t have to follow the rules of a line? I didn’t hear anyone offering him cuts. And anyway, we all know that at the bus stop it’s no butts, no cuts, no coconuts. Why does he believe he’s more entitled to a seat than anyone else? Did he fail bus stop etiquette class? He must be a complete idiot because bus stop etiquette class is super easy, I got an A++. I cannot figure out why BSE completely ignores the already formed line and believes he should be the first one to enter the bus. He’s not disabled, he’s not elderly, and, as far as I can tell, he’s not a pregnant woman.

I understand that the busses in Chicago blow. There have been many a time that the bus arrives already crammed to capacity and only one more person can jam in and I have to wait for another to come. It sucks. But if a bus comes, and only one person can squeeze on, it should be the person who got to the stop first, not freakin BSE.

There are other things about BSE that make him the worst ever as well. Many times he has coffee with him. Which is cool, coffee is a necessity for me too in the morning. What’s not cool is that he is a mouth-breather. With coffee breath. And the bus is crowded and I don’t like strangers breathing on me as it is, let alone with nasty stink breath. Oh, and BSE wears a ring. Annoying, right? It’s not a wedding ring because it’s an ugly wide silver ring that he wears on his middle finger. It has a black tribal pattern going around it. It’s terrible.

He also may or may not be stalking me. As much as I try to leave for work at the same time every morning, it just doesn’t happen. But no matter if I’m early or running late, BSE gets on the same bus as me almost every morning. Clearly he is hiding out, waiting to see me approach every morning, and then walks over and does his douche move to the front of the line. So on that note, if I disappear please let the police know that the primary suspect is male, probably in his late twenties, has complete disregard for lines, has horrible breath and a dumb ring on his middle finger. They should be able to track me down in no time.

I Like This Day

2010-11-04T17:16:00.000-07:00

Even though I'm at work until 8pm tonight, it's been a pretty great day. I'm also in a good mood because I've got plenty to look forward to this weekend as well. I'm feeling a lot like Jessica today:

The I Like Girl

Lauren's Likes For Today:
* I like sleeping in and not having to be at work until 11am
* I like getting a seat on the bus
* I like gyro day in the cafe
* I like my popularity skyrocketing (on the internet not IRL) (Totally kidding, I'm way popular in real life too)
* I like tons of Halloween candy brought in by my coworkers
* I like going to Champaign tomorrow
* I like open bar at the wedding on Saturday
* I like the good kind of daylight savings this weekend
* I like Starbucks giftcards sent by Gramma
I CAN DO ANYTHING GOOD!

Hope you're having a stellar day too!

It's a Free Cat Kind of Day

2010-11-03T07:41:00.000-07:00

I'm not even really sure what a free cat kind of day is ...but this is probably my most favorite thing on the interwebs. Ever.

It's a classic. If you're ever exchanging funny emails with friends/coworkers, this one will win the prize every time. Trust me, I know. And I'm not having fun unless I'm winning. It also ~~may~~ most definitely will result in your pals assuming you are deeply disturbed. But who cares, you will be Champion of the Internet and cats are dumb anyway. Am I right or am I right?!

Happy Wednesday!

Halloween: 5 Years in Review

2010-11-01T11:40:00.000-07:00

Halloween is my favorite holiday. I absolutely love thinking of creative costumes even though I usually get very stressed out -- thinking of a memorable costume is a lot of pressure! It's always a blast being out in costume and I really enjoy seeing what others came up with. Also there's a lot of candy involved, which helps push this holiday to the top of the list.

I'm quite proud of my last five costumes (I also only have digital photos of the last 5 years) so I thought I'd share some of my previous masterpieces.

Halloween 2006: Snakes on a Plane

This movie had come out that year. I was stumped for a costume until I was at the costume shop and saw flight attendant costumes. Then it hit me. So we wore flight attendant costumes and I sewed different size plastic snakes all over our outfits. Look closely, the snakes are a little easier to see on Kirk's outfit.

Halloween 2007: Bikers

I had been holding onto this idea for a while and in 2007 it came to fruition. Everyone knows that Super Troopers is one of my favorite movies. There is a hilarious scene where Foster and Ursula meet up for dinner in disguise since they are secretly dating. Ursula had told Foster to come as bikers. Ursula is decked out in biker chick gear: black, leather, big teased hair. When Foster walks in, he is dressed as a cyclist and says "Ohhhh biker. I'm an idiot." So here are Kirk and I as bikers:

Halloween 2008: Lion Tamer

Definitely not my most creative costume ever but it is really cute. The stuffed animal lion accessory helped take the costume to the next level. I did a lot of taming that night. Mostly I would throw the lion on the ground, whip him, and yell "Be tame!" at him. However, I also tamed my roommate's cat, a yellow lab, and several other animals.

Taming a ferocious lion.

Halloween 2009: Space Chimp

This is the first Halloween that Shaun and I were together. Shaun had been an astronaut every Halloween in recent history and was planning to be an astronaut again. I asked a bunch of friends what I could be that would go with an astronaut. Surprisingly, a very common answer was 'monkey.' I guess because they send cute little chimps into space. I bought a child's monkey costume from target and transformed it into my space chimp costume.

Halloween 2010: Moby Dick

Shaun really likes nautical things and (not so) secretly wishes he was a sea captain. While we were brainstorming costume ideas, I jokingly said we should be Captain Ahab and Moby Dick. And that was the end of brainstorming; Shaun was dead-set on that idea. We picked up most of Shaun's outfit from thrift stores. It's hard to see in the pic, but he also painted brown tights to look like wood for his peg leg. I wore all white, sewed myself a little whale tale, and found some whale socks because obviously whales wear whale socks. The part that put this costume into a league all its own is the fully functioning blowhole. I used a trick flower that clowns have that sprays water, removed the flower part, ran the tube up my arm and and up my back so that it came out right at my neck. Then when someone asked me what I was, I could spray them and say "I'm a whale!!" I did get a few dirty looks from the bar staff for spraying water a bunch of times. Oh well, totally worth it.

Moby Dick and Captain Ahab

Getting harpooned

It's going to be extremely hard to top these masterpieces next year...

I Guess I Have a Blog Now

2010-10-28T14:17:00.000-07:00

So I’m not sure if I’m interesting anymore. I hate when I’m catching up with someone and they say “So, what’s new?” and I give a lametastic and horribly generic answer like “Oh, you know, work and just hanging out.” I mean I’m having a lot of fun all the time, I go out and do things, my life doesn’t suck. But then why do I find myself giving this sort of dull answer? It makes sense if I’m talking to an acquaintance that I don’t know that well – no one’s going to launch into a long story or personal details with someone they hardly know. But giving this type of response to long time friends and family members? Totally unacceptable.

Thus, this blog is mainly for selfish reasons. Right now I’m feeling like I need some reassurance that I have important things to say and that I can be fascinating. Hopefully I can also entertain some people along the way. I absolutely love telling stories (and think I’m pretty good at it <<pat on the back>>). I love captivating people’s attention, and making them laugh. For me, one of the best compliments I can receive is to be told I’m funny. I’m not sure if I’ll be able have the same effect through writing, but I’ll give it a go. I just want to tell some of my favorite stories, share some thoughts, and have a creative outlet in my life.

I should probably let you know why my blog is called And Then I Ate Cheese Fries. First, just like thinking of an awesome trivia team name which is so often my job, thinking of a blog title is hard and there's a lot of pressure. So lay off. Second, basically anyone who’s anyone knows I love cheese fries. Third, if you add “And then Lauren ate cheese fries” (feel free to sub in pizza rolls, or taquitos, or a cookie cake) to the end of any story I share on here it will be 100% true.