Birds Are Very, Very Scary

I have been afraid of birds for as long as I can remember. I hate them. My fear stems from the fact that they are so damn unpredictable. They are everywhere and could strike at any moment. They’re just flapping around willy nilly and could peck your eyes out at any minute.  And trust me, they are planning to peck your eyes out. What other thoughts could possibly be going on behind those beady little eyes?



"I would love nothing more than to peck your eyes out."



 The official name for the fear of birds is Ornithophobia. Symptoms of Ornithophobia include: breathlessness, dizziness, excessive sweating, nausea, dry mouth, shaking, heart palpitations, inability to speak or think clearly, a fear of dying, becoming mad or losing control, or a full blown anxiety attack. Upon being in the vicinity of a bird, I think I have experienced every one of these symptoms, usually simultaneously.

I’m not entirely sure what initially caused my terror of these winged devils, I’ve hated them for as long as I can remember. The fear may have originated from a bad experience with a pet bird. When I was about 6 I had a parakeet named Tweety. One day Tweety got loose from her cage. Luckily she was confined to my room, but Tweety was flying around like a maniac slamming into walls and windows. It was pretty horrific to watch. I’m pretty sure I just sat in a corner covering my head while my parents tried to throw a sheet over her. Eventually they got her back in the cage but my feelings toward birds would never be the same. They were no longer sweet pets but beings that could turn into crazed maniacs in the blink of any eye.

I hate birds, but it seems like the feeling is mutual. The birds can sense my fear and go out of their way to torment me. I was in Vegas the Spring Break after I turned 21. Walking down the hallway at the Luxor I see this man with a huge bird walking toward me. This is Vegas, it’s perfectly normal to be walking down a hotel hallway with some sort of animal attached to an appendage. Plenty of other hotel guests are passing by the bird with no disruption; the bird won’t even give them the time of day. But right as I pass by, the bird gets agitated, flapping its wings and squawking right in my face. It was a BIG bird and it was terrifying and definitely as dramatic as I’m making it seem.

Another time, in grad school, I was awoken one morning by two of my roomies knocking on my bedroom door. I open the door, see panicked looks on their faces, and one of them says, “There’s a bird in the house and we don’t really know how to get it out.” Worst way to wake up ever. Luckily my boyfriend at the time was over and we were able to assign him the duty of ridding the house of evil. The bird was confined to the sunroom so we shut him in there until he was able to coax the bird out a window while we stood in the living room panicked and yelling. Very helpful, I know.

I have no problem inconveniencing myself if it means avoiding a run-in with a bird. Any time I spot a bird I will immediately place Shaun between myself and the feathered beast. (Forced) chivalry is not dead. If I am walking home by myself and there are birds gathered in my alley I will take the long way around the block to go in the front door just so I don’t have to walk past them. When those obscenely obese pigeons have gathered under the warmers at the L stop, rather than trying to shoo them away, I will stand in the cold shivering.

Now you may have seen me wearing feather headbands and feather skirts. You might be thinking that if I wear feathers I can’t be that scared of birds. Don’t be confused just because I like things with feathers on them. Feathers come from dead birds, which is the only acceptable type of bird. I cannot stress enough: do not underestimate the evilness and ruthlessness of birds. Always stay alert in their presence as they are no doubt plotting against you. Birds are very, very scary; be careful out there.

Blogtana: The Montana Blog Edition

My 2010 holiday season consisted of 3 Christmases and a Hanukkah. The month of December kicked off the Chrismukkah season with Hanukkah being Dec. 1-8. During the second week of December, Shaun’s mom, stepdad, and sister were able to visit Chicago for Christmas #1. Sunday Dec. 19^th marked Walker Family Christmas in order to celebrate before Chuck and I went out of town.  I spent actual Christmas in Montana with Shaun’s dad, stepmom, and sister for Xmas #3. This year we were able to spend a full week in Montana which was quite a nice little vacay.

You say you’ve never been to Whitefish, Montana? For shame. I’d like to take some time to fill you in on highlights of the Montana trip; hopefully you will not become overwhelmed with jealousy.  If you happen to jump on a flight to Whitefish before you even finish reading this blog post, I would totally understand.

Like last year, much of our time consisted of playing boardgames, which typically results in me laughing so much my face hurts. We mainly played Trivial Pursuit, Scrabble, and Boggle. The version of Trivial Pursuit that resides in the Hildner household happens to be from olden times (the 70’s) so I pretty much don’t know any answers. I mean who doesn’t know that Jimmy Durante ended his radio and television shows with the sign-off of "Goodnight Mrs. Calabash, wherever you are." The Hildner siblings also remembered that Shaun built a ping pong table in highschool so we unburied it from the garage and had many intense ping pong tournaments. If you've never seen a guy in cowboy boots playing ping pong, you're really missing out. 

I obtained a new nickname. I don’t know exactly how it started  (other than the “Lor” sounds of both names) but Shaun’s family now calls me The Lorax which I think is pretty cute J Although I don’t see a ton of resemblances...

Shaun’s dad started a tradition several years ago of gathering the neighborhood on Christmas Eve to light luminarias around the pond. There are a total of 300 lights and it’s super pretty.


Not easy to see cause I'm a shitty photog, but the bridge is lined with luminarias

After setting out all the lights, we spend most of the time around a bonfire drinking super boozy delicious eggnog. Doesn’t get much better than that!  There’s a chance I actually had enough holiday spirit and eggnog to join in some caroling around the fire …but don’t believe every rumor you hear.

This year Shaun’s parents really wanted us to take a trip up to the North Fork (pretty much to Canada) to see their cabin and all the work they’ve put into it. I was pretty nervous about the trip for 2 reasons:

1.   No indoor bathroom, just an outhouse. We were only spending the afternoon but the drive is about an hour and a half each way so I figured I would have to pee at some point while there.

2.   The car gets parked at a gate off the road and then you have to snowshoe to the cabin. I have never been snowshoeing and when I asked Shaun how far we would have to go he said about 2  miles. That’s really far in the cold and wearing these things:

I like trying new things but in general I’m not very outdoorsy. This says it all:

The afternoon at the cabin ended up being really fun and not scary. Peeing in an outhouse was freezing but not the worst thing ever. As far as snowshoeing, these things were a lot more high-tech than the image that originally popped into my head:


Made of titanium? What?!

Also, Shaun is terrible at estimating distance. We only had to snowshoe about 100 yards, not 2 miles. One of my favorite memories from this trip is playing in the snow with Shaun and Erika and using the roof of the shed as a snow slide.

Several nights, we went out ‘downtown’. Downtown for Whitefish is basically 2 blocks consisting of some shops, restaurants, and bars. It’s so weird to go out and everyone at the bars knows everyone else. It’s basically a high school reunion every night since most people either still live there or were home for the holidays. On the plus side, Shaun’s house is walking distance to the bars and drinks are really cheap compared to going out in Chicago. One night instead of going out we played beer pong on the aforementioned ping pong table with a few friends. I got to experience Kokanee beer which according to Shaun and Erika was a treat at high school parties compared to the standard Keystone.

Let me inform you that Kokanee is disgusting. Fact. One of the reasons it may have been so awful is because we all sucked at beer pong so bad that by the time we drank our cups the beer was warm. But I’m pretty sure Kokanee is still gag-inducing even when cold.

Even though there are a lot of aspects of Montana that are easy to make fun of, Montana is gorgeous and I had so much fun all week. Hopefully a Summer trip will happen so I am able to enjoy Montana without 16 inches snow. Anyone else want to come along?

Super Awesome Happy Fun Blog Dedication: Michael Carson Markus

About a month ago, I decided to use my blog to bribe a friend. I was invited to watch a Bears game and given that I care nothing about football, I wanted to make sure fun friends were going to be there. Olivia told me that Markus was leaning toward not coming due to a work event. That’s when I realized I would need to step up and use the unparalleled popularity and clout of my blog to make sure maximum fun would be had at this stupid football game. I promised Markus that I would dedicate a blog to him if he came out. And he did, so it’s blogging time!

I met Markus through mutual friends and have known him for a couple years now. Markus is a very entertaining friend, fantastic to have around for drinking games, and always good for a laugh. Here are some things that make him extra cool:

Dexter is an awesome show and Markus was Detective Batista for Halloween:

I have 5 major food groups: Cheese, Cheese Fries, Beer, Bacon, and Cookie Cake/Treats. Markus is smart enough to bring cookie cakes to events:

Markus looks good eating wings:



He is not ashamed to play beer pong on my beer pong table that is really just a door cause it was cheaper than buying plywood. It takes up most of the kitchen and you really have to suck it in to fit on each side.

 

And he takes silly pictures with me when there is corn sitting on the windowsill at the bar:

So Markus, thanks for being an awesomely fun friend and I hope you enjoyed the blog in your honor!

P.S. Sorry everyone for the long break in blog posts. As I'm sure you all felt, the holidays get really hectic and I was very short on time. I promise to get back to regularly posting, I know your lives are meaningless without it.