What Were Their Parents Thinking?

I’d like to thank my parents for giving me a name that I’m happy to have for my entire life. Lauren Rose Walker may not be the most unique name but it’s pretty and I like it. According to this website, Lauren means “crowned with Laurel.” Go find out what your name means if you don’t already know. My parents’ second choice name for me was Nicole which, again, isn’t too exciting but perfectly acceptable. My parents didn’t really have much of a choice with my brother. I mean, when you already have three Charles Verne Walkers how could you not add a fourth?

The point is, my parents aren’t mean or batshitcrazy unlike some parents out there who have punished their children for their entire lives by giving them unbelievably awful names. We’ve probably heard some of the terrible celebrity baby names out there, for example:

Pilot Inspektor (Jason Lee)

Jermajesty (Jermaine Jackson)

Moxie CrimeFighter (Penn Jillette)

Kyd (David Duchovny and Tea Leoni)

Moon Unit (Frank Zappa)

Naming your baby isn’t some fun game where you start just putting random letters together and see what sounds the most gag inducing. Or you just name them the first thing that pops into your line of vision (looking at you Gwyneth Paltrow). We are talking about naming a human being who has to introduce themselves by this name to every person they talk to for their entire existence.

Teaching and working in Higher Ed for the last 5 ½ years, I’ve heard my share of horrendous names. I always say I’m going to write them down and keep a running list but unfortunately I haven’t done that, so I’m sure I’m forgetting some real winners. But I’m going to try to remember some of the absolute worst to share with you and I’ll add to the list as I think of more.

Chanel  (not entirely bad on it’s own, but add in the fact she has a brother named Stetson, and   yes it was intentional to name them after perfume and cologne)

Dorcus (What, Nerdface was already taken? Why would you wish this upon your baby girl?)

Tuesday Birdock (really, we can’t do better than naming a baby after a day of the week? Plus the word  ‘bird’ is in there so it makes it even worse)

Ramen Benyamen (just say it outloud and try not to laugh or think of noodles)

Parris Harris (my most recent addition to the list and my current fave)

Plus my all time favorite worst first name, contributed by Olivia: AlPacino (no space, capital ‘A’ and ‘P’, this is what some crazy person named their child).

I’m sure you’ve encountered some unfortunate names along the way, so let’s hear them!