Fat Kids Club

Guh. I haven't put up a new post in almost 3 months. Pathetic. Worst blogger ever. I'm sorry.

But let's all agree it's not me, it's you, and move on.

Let's talk about Fat Kids Club.

 I don't have an official badge or anything but I'm positive I'm a high ranking member. Back in college we quickly accumulated notches on the fat kids belt and haven't looked back since. I'd like to share some on my favorite examples of why I'm a true fat kid at heart.

Eating pants

Senior year of college my roomies and I regularly made dinner together. We all agreed that jeans are so annoying - they don't have a lot of give and don't allow you the freedom to really stuff your face. It quickly became tradition to yell “EATING PANTS” when dinner was almost ready and we'd all rush to our rooms to throw on something with an elastic waistband. I cannot recommend this strategy enough.

Bringing snacks to the bar

This one is pretty self explanatory but I have been known to carry a baggy of Cheeze-Its or Goldfish to the bar. Not all bars are awesome enough to have peanuts or pretzel sticks and you never know when a snack attack is going to hit.

Finishing off a box of cookies because there aren't enough to justify saving

You're eating cookies and milk (which I do pretty much every night) when you and your bloated belly have hit your cookie limit. You're about to pack up the cookies but then you notice there are only 2 cookies left. You're really going to close up the box for 2 cookies? That's not going to be even close to satisfying tomorrow. So instead you take a deep breath and just finish off the box. There was no other option.

Fat kid breathing

I can't take credit for this one as it's Olivia's classic Fat Kids Club move. It's basically when you've gorged yourself so quickly and so much that it actually changes your breathing pattern. It's loud, short breaths. You know you've heard it, or maybe have experienced it yourself. Olivia has on many occasions declared she has entered fat kid breathing mode (like we didn't hear for ourselves) and needs to be taken for a walk.

V.P. Treats

I lived in a house with 4 other girls in grad school and we all had important roles in the house. I was elected V.P. Treats as I was always eating treats and was also responsible for providing treats to the other housemates. I am quite honored to be V.P. Treats, it's a great gig. I put it on my resume.

Post-bar food

I know a lot of people like to grab some drunk food after the bar but I don't think many are as passionate about it as I am. Most of my nights out end with me screaming “cheese fries!” or “burrito!” I spend a lot of my time out thinking about what restaurants nearby are still open. I've gone about a mile out of my way on the walk home so I could “swing by” Weiner Circle. The guys at the burrito place near my house know my order when I walk in the door.

My supply of frozen drunk food

I have a very well stocked freezer ...of frozen items that go in the oven at 425 degrees for 12 minutes. When I don't go out for food after the bar I have to make sure I have plenty of delicious choices at home. Here's what my freezer currently looks like:

Starting at the top left going clockwise: Mini tacos, pizza rolls, frozen pizza, cauliflower in cheese sauce (it does the trick if I get desperate), and mini corn dogs. The current selection is actually pretty weak since I haven't been grocery shopping in a couple weeks. Other regulars include cheese stuffed pretzel bites, taquitos, potato skins, and jalapeno poppers. Impressive, I know.

If I haven't convinced you by now that I'm a certified member of the Fat Kids Club, I don't know what will. And just to clear, I'm eating chocolate chip cookie brownies as I write this.