Birds Are Very, Very Scary

I have been afraid of birds for as long as I can remember. I hate them. My fear stems from the fact that they are so damn unpredictable. They are everywhere and could strike at any moment. They’re just flapping around willy nilly and could peck your eyes out at any minute.  And trust me, they are planning to peck your eyes out. What other thoughts could possibly be going on behind those beady little eyes?



"I would love nothing more than to peck your eyes out."



 The official name for the fear of birds is Ornithophobia. Symptoms of Ornithophobia include: breathlessness, dizziness, excessive sweating, nausea, dry mouth, shaking, heart palpitations, inability to speak or think clearly, a fear of dying, becoming mad or losing control, or a full blown anxiety attack. Upon being in the vicinity of a bird, I think I have experienced every one of these symptoms, usually simultaneously.

I’m not entirely sure what initially caused my terror of these winged devils, I’ve hated them for as long as I can remember. The fear may have originated from a bad experience with a pet bird. When I was about 6 I had a parakeet named Tweety. One day Tweety got loose from her cage. Luckily she was confined to my room, but Tweety was flying around like a maniac slamming into walls and windows. It was pretty horrific to watch. I’m pretty sure I just sat in a corner covering my head while my parents tried to throw a sheet over her. Eventually they got her back in the cage but my feelings toward birds would never be the same. They were no longer sweet pets but beings that could turn into crazed maniacs in the blink of any eye.

I hate birds, but it seems like the feeling is mutual. The birds can sense my fear and go out of their way to torment me. I was in Vegas the Spring Break after I turned 21. Walking down the hallway at the Luxor I see this man with a huge bird walking toward me. This is Vegas, it’s perfectly normal to be walking down a hotel hallway with some sort of animal attached to an appendage. Plenty of other hotel guests are passing by the bird with no disruption; the bird won’t even give them the time of day. But right as I pass by, the bird gets agitated, flapping its wings and squawking right in my face. It was a BIG bird and it was terrifying and definitely as dramatic as I’m making it seem.

Another time, in grad school, I was awoken one morning by two of my roomies knocking on my bedroom door. I open the door, see panicked looks on their faces, and one of them says, “There’s a bird in the house and we don’t really know how to get it out.” Worst way to wake up ever. Luckily my boyfriend at the time was over and we were able to assign him the duty of ridding the house of evil. The bird was confined to the sunroom so we shut him in there until he was able to coax the bird out a window while we stood in the living room panicked and yelling. Very helpful, I know.

I have no problem inconveniencing myself if it means avoiding a run-in with a bird. Any time I spot a bird I will immediately place Shaun between myself and the feathered beast. (Forced) chivalry is not dead. If I am walking home by myself and there are birds gathered in my alley I will take the long way around the block to go in the front door just so I don’t have to walk past them. When those obscenely obese pigeons have gathered under the warmers at the L stop, rather than trying to shoo them away, I will stand in the cold shivering.

Now you may have seen me wearing feather headbands and feather skirts. You might be thinking that if I wear feathers I can’t be that scared of birds. Don’t be confused just because I like things with feathers on them. Feathers come from dead birds, which is the only acceptable type of bird. I cannot stress enough: do not underestimate the evilness and ruthlessness of birds. Always stay alert in their presence as they are no doubt plotting against you. Birds are very, very scary; be careful out there.