Food With Dumb Names Udderly Piss Me Off

One of my biggest pet peeves is when restaurants give really lame, stupid, corny names to items on their menu. I don’t want to feel like an idiot ordering food. I get very crabby when obstacles get in the way of me and food. If a menu item makes me embarrassed to say it outloud to another human being then it shouldn’t be named that.

There are some establishments out there that are skating on thin ice but don’t quite cross the line. Although it makes me feel a little dumb to order a Bacon Turkey Bravo at Panera, it’s not enough to rob me of the gloriousness that is bacon, turkey, gouda, and whatever the hell Bravo sauce is, on tomato basil bread.  Then when it’s time for dessert, why I need to ask the cashier for a Chocolate Chipper is beyond me. So unnecessary, Panera. I will continue to just ask for a chocolate chip cookie. I think they’ll know what I mean. When I go to Jimmy John’s it makes my skin crawl a bit but I can manage to spit out the words “I’ll have a Big John.” Yeah they could have made my life easier and called it a Roast Beef Sub but I’ll get over it. No, what I’m referring to in this post are the names that are so heinous it makes me want to barf fire on a pile of kittens¹.

¹ Credit for the phrase “barf fire on kittens” given to: Hertko, Kristin (2011).

Let me give you some examples of items that make my face turn red having to say these words to a cashier/server. Jamba Juice offers a smoothie called Mango-a-go-go. There is not a chance I would walk up to the register and say “I’d like a Mango-a-go-go please” no matter how badly I want their delicious mango passionfruit juice pineapple sherbet beverage. I am forced to live my life without it because they couldn’t just call it a Mango Smoothie. Another great example is Moons Over My Hammy at Denny’s. Even in an extremely intoxicated state (which is the only way I would find myself at a Denny’s) there is no possibility I could get my mouth to form the words “I’ll take the Moons Over My Hammy.” Sure, I’m wasted and would love nothing more than to consume a ham, egg, and cheese sandwich with a side of hashbrowns but I guess I’ll have to live without it. Thanks for nothing, Denny’s.

My all-time most hated menu item is courtesy of Oberweis Dairy. Brace yourselves. They offer a blended coffee drink called the Udderly Mocha Moo Cooler. Ahhhhh. It’s so horrible. Not only do I have to say “udderly” instead of “utterly” but I also have to say the words “moo cooler.” Yes, I want a frozen treat. Yes, I would love to drink a scrumptious mixture of coffee, chocolate, and icecream. Yes, I would love to consume 760 calories through a straw. But I would rather shove sharp tacks in my eyes while listening to country music surrounded by birds than walk up to the counter and request an “Udderly Mocha Moo Cooler.”  Just in case you’re wondering, there’s another one called the Pina Cowlada Moo Cooler. Whoever created these products is laughing him/herself to sleep because idiots are actually saying these words outloud.

The exception to the stupid, corny names is Pet Grooming and/or Boarding establishments. I don’t know why, but in this specific instance, the lamer the better. They crack me up and I love them. Let me share some of the best I’ve come across:

Central Bark Doggy Daycare

DoGone Fun Dog Daycare

Paws-A-Tively Pet Grooming

WigglyVille Pet Boutique

Bone’Jour Pet Salon

Citizen Canine Bed & Breakfast for Dogs

and my #1 favorite ...wait for it...

Barker & Meowsky: A Paw Firm

Bwahahahaha! How can you not LOVE those?