I'm The Authority On Scary Movies

October is the bees knees, the cat's pajamas, and lots of other old-timey sayings that mean it's the best. Amazing Fall weather, pumpkin spice lattes, cute boots, and my favorite holiday: Halloween.  And Halloween means an influx of scary movies in the theater and on TV. What horror movies will you choose to watch this season? How will you decide? Let me help guide you.

My horror movie credentials date back to grade school. Anytime my mom went out of town, my dad would rent scary movies for me, him, and my brother to watch while eating his famous chili. Which we later found out was pre-made Market Day chili. THE LIES! Anyway, I'll save that traumatizing revelation for another post.

I can't remember for sure what the first scary movie was that I watched but my earliest memory is Halloween. We went through “classics” like the Puppet Master series, Hellraiser, and Pumpkinhead.  We tried The Exorcist but about 1/3 of the way through my dad saw the looks on our faces and turned it off. But since those early days my love of scary movies hasn't wavered. I'll pretty much watch anything in the genre no matter how horrible it looks, becuase you know what? Sometimes awesomely bad horror movies are actually the best. So listen to my recommendations because I'm a self-declared expert, which is the expertiest kind of expert. Now is the perfect season to cuddle up under some cozy blankets in the dark and rewatch some classics and discover new favorites.

Disclaimer: It's insanely hard for me to narrow down this list. I am trying to stick with straight horror movies – I get that Silence of the Lambs, Alien, etc. are incredible movies but I'd categorize those more as thriller and sci-fi than horror. I also realize that you may not agree with my list and I’d love to hear your favorites. I tried to choose the movies that significantly shaped my view of the horror genre and genuinely scared the sh*t out of me.

Halloween

As I mentioned, the first scary movie I remember watching. Michael Myers is such a simple and emotionless yet horrifyingly deranged pure-evil bad guy. Just when you think he might be down for good ...he's most definitely not.

Dawn of the Dead

My fave type of scary movie is one that can also be humorous and sometimes campy (e.g. Evil Dead, Drag Me to Hell, Zombieland). This movie captures that element perfectly which is why it’s my absolute favorite horror movie. And to be totally honest, I actually like the 2004 remake better – The opening sequence and Ty Burrells’s character are awesome.

Psycho

My first Hitchcock film experience. This movie proves you don’t need a huge budget to be truly suspenseful and frightening. And is there a more infamous horror movie scene than the Psycho shower scene? P.S. Let’s not talk about the remake.

 Poltergeist

“They're heeeeere”  So much creepiness in this movie including a clown <<shudder>>. And the scares are pretty much non-stop. It’s the ultimate haunted house movie.

Saw

So let’s ignore the all the ridiculous sequels (yes, I’ve seen them all). I know a lot of people hate this series, but when I watched the original I left thinking the movie was like nothing I had ever seen before. It’s scary and gory and questions what you would do to stay alive. And I for one did not see that twist ending coming at all.

Nightmare on Elm Street

Freddy is a superbly original character with a face and voice you won’t soon forget. Your dreams aren’t supposed to follow you into the waking world but here they do; a world where if you die in your dreams you actually die. Plus the song is just so dang catchy. One, two, Freddy’s coming for you…

The Shining

This movie has so many amazingly frightening elements: Jack Nicholson’s perfect portrayal of Jack Torrence, super creepy children, blood flowing from elevators, Shelly Duvall’s droopface.  Just brilliant. Bonus: the book is really good so read it.

The Descent

Even if you’re not claustrophobic or afraid of the dark, you will be during this movie. Great ratio of suspense and gore. And not to get too feminist but I really like that this movie’s main characters are all female – most of whom kicked ass instead of just running and screaming. A rare and welcome occurrence for horror movies.

Texas Chainsaw Massacre

Just so damn disturbing. Ugh the scene where Sally is forced to dine with the family is absolutely terrifying. Or when Leatherface sledgehammers Kirk then just slams the door closed. Bone-chilling. And the meat hooks, oh the meat hooks. Yikes.

28 Days Later

Danny Boyle’s vision of the zompocalypse is epic. Is there a scarier scenario than waking from a coma to find the world deserted? But wait, it’s not deserted, it’s full of zombies. Fast zombies. Which is probably what ranks this movie to so high – no slow, lumbering zombies here, the 28 Days Later zombies are on a mission.

The Mist

This movie does a great job of capturing a sense of fear and panic. Regardless of the rest of the movie, which I still really like, it’s worth it just for the ending. Best ending ever.

The Exorcist

This is the one and only horror movie that actually gives me nightmares. To this day I can’t get through this movie. Even hearing the theme music makes my skin crawl. I don’t vote it as the best horror film but without a doubt it is the all-time scariest. Watch if you dare.

Really there are so many more that I love, it was so hard to cut down this list to a reasonable number but these are my very top choices.  So stop being such a baby and start crossing some of these films off the list! Then let's discuss them because I really like doing that. If you need a scary movie buddy I’d be happy to watch with you, tell you that everything is going to be ok, and check under your bed for monsters afterward.

Let Me Tell You About That Time I Got Hit By A Car

I've regaled many of you with this story incident debacle fiasco shitstorm already but I've been encouraged numerous times to blog about it and you know I wouldn't want to disappoint my adoring audience so I will attempt to put this ridiculous event into writing.

Y'all are very aware of my feelings on running, but you are also very aware of my eating habits so, seeing as I don't want to be 500 lbs and/or have a heart attack when I'm 32, I have been trying to be good about working out. A few weeks ago I set out for a run after work. I put on a cute little running outfit (one of the only benefits of deciding to be a runner), threw my hair in a ponytail, laced up my shoes, and headed out the door, none the wiser that in about 20 minutes I'd be in one of the most absurd situations of my life. I'm jogging along, listening to my jams, consumed by thoughts of how awful running is because that is the only thing your brain can possibly be filled with while you're running.

This is me:

Run run run. Good lord I hate running. Run run. Do normal people struggle this much with running? Are my lungs half the size of normal people's lungs? Do I have tiny baby lungs? Oh my gosh, I have baby lungs. Run run run run. Yes, pretty psyched that Wheatus just started playing but seriously running is just the worst. Run. Oooo a sprinkler! That was fun! Run run run. Oh I'm about to run in front of an alley. An alley that is just like the other 50 alleys I've run across tonight. Cool. HOLY SHIT A CAR JUST HIT ME.

So this Land Rover comes out of the alley without slowing down at the sidewalk at all and I see it just in time to try to stop myself but I can't stop fast enough so instead I will just use this SUV's front end to stop myself. I was done running anyway. Just kidding, I'm 2 miles from my house, I was NOT done running, you stupid Land Rover.

Basically it was not more than a tap, I didn't even come away with any of those cool injuries that are all like sweet to show to your friends and make you seem like a badass but not bad enough that it requires actual medical attention. You know, those cool kind of injuries. But still, I was just hit by a car. My gut reaction was for my jaw to drop, get really wide-eyed, and blurt “asshole.” At which point the driver yells “C*NT” at me. I'm sorry, WHAT? Your big douche face just hit me with your big jerk car and you are now yelling a horrible word at me? How does your brain work? I would be happy to provide you with a Rules of the Road handbook because myself and Jesse White agree that you are in the wrong and your reaction should have been, “I'm so sorry, are you ok? I know I should have stopped at the sidewalk but I'm a total moron and I promise to never do this again. Thanks to you I will now be a much better driver. By the way you're really pretty and good at running. And here is this apology cookie cake I got for you.”

I thought I was in shock when the car hit me but once this guy yells the c-word at me I'm really in shock. I'm totally speechless so I just look at him like he's out of mind (because he is). At which point he goes “What? Bring it!”

You just blew my mind, guy. This is a man in his late-thirties wearing a suit driving an SUV who just hit a pedestrian and he just told me to “bring it.” Who says that? (And why oh why did I not get over my surprise fast enough to say “It's already been brought.” It was a once in a lifetime opportunity, and I blew it.) Then he just floors it into the street without even looking and speeds off. Every ounce of my being was hoping that when he floored it he hit a car or something else that would have brought some vindication to this encounter.

So then I just continued on my run. When I got home I was so mad that I didn't say anything better to him. The whole situation was so surreal that I couldn't even react but I spent the entire night thinking of all the witty, biting, sardonic things I should have said. And he would have thought about what he did, and he would regret his preposterous word choices, and he would become a better person after the ordeal. But it didn't happen that way and now I'm getting all worked up all over again wishing I would have come back with something better to say that night. Oh well, I'll be ready next time.  

First Annual LDub 1K

A few months ago while out with friends I had a brilliant idea. Well, several brilliant ideas, but one in particular that I will focus on for this post. Lindsay and Olivia got on the topic of races they would be running this Spring and Summer. As they continued to discuss their miles and kilometers and furlongs and parsecs, I became increasingly displeased with the conversation because I had nothing to contribute, it was severely lacking any attention on me, and running sucks. While very impressed with their motivation and running skills, I announced that the only race I'd be able to finish was a 1K. Wait a second, I should have a 1K! And thus, the LDUB 1K was born.

The date was set, invitation created, and the course routed:

When July 8^th finally rolled around, I could barely contain my excitement! I leapt out of bed with visions of bacon, beer, friends, and half-assed running floating in my head. I began the day with the traditional 1K breakfast of corned beef hash, eggs, and a bloody mary. Then I worked on making about 1,000 bacon wrapped dates for post-race sustenance. Olivia came over early to help chalk the start and finish lines.

One of the main highlights of the day was Kristin showing up in this amazing Ldub 1K shirt (she made one for me too but it wasn't quite dry yet).  I seriously still can't get over it.

As we waited for all the 1K participants to congregate, we enjoyed the gorgeous weather playing bags and beer pong.

We sucked so bad at beer pong that to end the game we determined the winner by which team could chug beers the fastest. Pro tip for next year: don't chug a beer right before a race, even if it is only a 1K.

Around 2pm it was go time! We assembled at the start:

And we were off! We did pass some actual runners along the way and were sure to yell at them that they were trying too hard.

Drew put in way too much effort.

Tyler and Bert cheated.

And the winner is:

Dana! Wooooooo! Dana showed just the right combination of enthusiasm and apathy while managing to finish her beer before she crossed the finish line.

We rewarded ourselves with lots more beer and a fantastic snack spread.

The First Annual LDub 1K was a huge success and one of my favorite days EVER. Thanks to everyone who made it so awesome! Already looking forward to the 2^nd Annual 1K. Mark your calendars! In the meantime, if anyone needs help training for the race there is an endless supply of Coors light, bacon, and lethargy at my apartment.

Fat Kids Club

Guh. I haven't put up a new post in almost 3 months. Pathetic. Worst blogger ever. I'm sorry.

But let's all agree it's not me, it's you, and move on.

Let's talk about Fat Kids Club.

 I don't have an official badge or anything but I'm positive I'm a high ranking member. Back in college we quickly accumulated notches on the fat kids belt and haven't looked back since. I'd like to share some on my favorite examples of why I'm a true fat kid at heart.

Eating pants

Senior year of college my roomies and I regularly made dinner together. We all agreed that jeans are so annoying - they don't have a lot of give and don't allow you the freedom to really stuff your face. It quickly became tradition to yell “EATING PANTS” when dinner was almost ready and we'd all rush to our rooms to throw on something with an elastic waistband. I cannot recommend this strategy enough.

Bringing snacks to the bar

This one is pretty self explanatory but I have been known to carry a baggy of Cheeze-Its or Goldfish to the bar. Not all bars are awesome enough to have peanuts or pretzel sticks and you never know when a snack attack is going to hit.

Finishing off a box of cookies because there aren't enough to justify saving

You're eating cookies and milk (which I do pretty much every night) when you and your bloated belly have hit your cookie limit. You're about to pack up the cookies but then you notice there are only 2 cookies left. You're really going to close up the box for 2 cookies? That's not going to be even close to satisfying tomorrow. So instead you take a deep breath and just finish off the box. There was no other option.

Fat kid breathing

I can't take credit for this one as it's Olivia's classic Fat Kids Club move. It's basically when you've gorged yourself so quickly and so much that it actually changes your breathing pattern. It's loud, short breaths. You know you've heard it, or maybe have experienced it yourself. Olivia has on many occasions declared she has entered fat kid breathing mode (like we didn't hear for ourselves) and needs to be taken for a walk.

V.P. Treats

I lived in a house with 4 other girls in grad school and we all had important roles in the house. I was elected V.P. Treats as I was always eating treats and was also responsible for providing treats to the other housemates. I am quite honored to be V.P. Treats, it's a great gig. I put it on my resume.

Post-bar food

I know a lot of people like to grab some drunk food after the bar but I don't think many are as passionate about it as I am. Most of my nights out end with me screaming “cheese fries!” or “burrito!” I spend a lot of my time out thinking about what restaurants nearby are still open. I've gone about a mile out of my way on the walk home so I could “swing by” Weiner Circle. The guys at the burrito place near my house know my order when I walk in the door.

My supply of frozen drunk food

I have a very well stocked freezer ...of frozen items that go in the oven at 425 degrees for 12 minutes. When I don't go out for food after the bar I have to make sure I have plenty of delicious choices at home. Here's what my freezer currently looks like:

Starting at the top left going clockwise: Mini tacos, pizza rolls, frozen pizza, cauliflower in cheese sauce (it does the trick if I get desperate), and mini corn dogs. The current selection is actually pretty weak since I haven't been grocery shopping in a couple weeks. Other regulars include cheese stuffed pretzel bites, taquitos, potato skins, and jalapeno poppers. Impressive, I know.

If I haven't convinced you by now that I'm a certified member of the Fat Kids Club, I don't know what will. And just to clear, I'm eating chocolate chip cookie brownies as I write this.

Culinary Extravaganza 2012

The end of February and beginning of March have revolved around me stuffing my face.  Between Chicago Restaurant Week and birthday celebrations, I have done a lot of eating. Here I’ll review my recent feasts.  

Ai

Restaurant Week 2012 began with the River North Japanese restaurant Ai. I was really looking forward to it but it turned out to be one of the most disappointing meals I've ever had. The only redeeming quality is that the atmosphere and décor are fairly nice. 

My friend was very late meeting me, which I admit is rude and annoying for me and the restaurant. Had they actually been busy I wouldn’t have been surprised if they gave our table away but while I waited and during our entire meal the place was no more than 1/10^th full. They wouldn't seat me until he got there so I sat awkwardly in a little waiting area by the hostess stand. The hostess and a server then proceeded to complain about how we were late for our reservation within earshot of me. I am a very punctual person and I understand it's frustrating when people are late, but either just tell me that you’re not going to continue to hold the table or suck it up, be quiet and smile, and seat us when he gets there.

We started with martinis which were tasty but  very small for $10. We had some edamame to start which was completely average. We then ordered a few rolls: Orange, Dragon, and Spicy Tuna. This had to be the blandest sushi I've ever had. And so skimpy - the pieces of fish were tiny and the rolls in general were really small. For an average of $14 per roll this is not what I was expecting. My friend that I was with put it best: "this tastes like grocery store sushi." The rice was hard and there was absolutely no flavor. It was extremely disappointing.

Our bill was about $80 which is obscene for such poor quality, not to mention we were expecting decent sized rolls for the price so we left still hungry. There are so many better sushi places out there, with tastier rolls and much fresher fish. There is absolutely no reason to ever go here. So don't.

Naha

I LOVED this place. The only tiny negative was that the first table that they tried to seat us at was in this little section right by the door that wasn’t really part of the restaurant. I asked the hostess if we could just wait for the next open table and she said “yeah, I didn’t really think you’d want to sit there.” So we were seated about ½ hour after our reservation but we chose to wait and they were very friendly about it so I didn’t have a problem with it.

While we waited, we ordered a drink from the bar. The bartender was Serious (yes, with a capital ‘S’) about making drinks. Each cocktail was crafted with a lot of bartender love and care. It was hands down the best Manhattan I’ve ever had.

We picked different items for each course so that we could try more. Here’s what we had:

First Course

L: Coddled hen’s egg, foraged and cultivated mushrooms, garden grits, crisp kale, and cheddar cheese popcorn

C: Heirloom squash soup with bacon drippings, pumpkin seeds, and spaghetti squash

Main Course

L: Pork belly with risotto, swiss chard and red kuri squash

C: Wagyu brisket, carmelized carrots and turnips, crisp parsnips, buttered wheatberries

Dessert

L: Chocolate and almond daxquoise, Door County cheeries, bourbon and vanilla

C: Sampling of Midwestern crafted artisan cheese

Every single thing we ordered was delicious and my mouth is watering as I relive this right now. I find myself still regularly daydreaming of that amazing cheese plate.

Geja’s

I mean really how can you go wrong with dipping a bunch of stuff in melted cheese? The first course was various fruits and breads to dip into delicious glorious cheese. After we finished the cheese, Carson was astonished that the server removed the fondue setting with his bare hands. <<Gasp>> Don’t  worry, Carson later actually asked him how he accomplished that feat and we got to hear the full details of the difference between the cheese fondue set up and the meat fondue set up and how the sides of the cheese one don’t really get that hot. Thank goodness I have all that information in my brain now.  For the 2^nd course of meats I chose steak and shrimp and Carson chose steak and scallops. Both came with veggies and were very generous portions. The last course was melted chocolate with orange liqueur. YUM. It was served flaming so that the marshmallows could be toasted! In addition there were various fruits, pound cake, and rice crispy treats.  It was an obscene amount of food for 2 people but we managed to consume most of it. Would I typically pay that much for fondue? No. But for a special treat during Restaurant Week it was very delicious.

Chicago Cut

Amber decided that her birthday gift to Chuck and I was dinner at Chicago Cut. It is always packed so Amber even had to call in a favor to a partner to get us a table on Friday night. We arrived a little early so we had a seat at the bar while we waited for our table. Their wine and cocktail lists are on iPads and by the time the server found the cocktail list (we think she must have been new) our table was ready so we didn’t order anything from the bar. When we were seated Amber and I ordered martinis and Chuck had a Manhattan. Chuck’s drink was really heavy on the rocks but our martinis were generous and tasty. Everything on the menu sounded delicious. The server described the specials which included tuna that sounded amazing ...until she said it was $70. Um, no. Since we were going out to celebrate right after dinner none of us wanted to be super full so we each had 6 oz. filets. THE BEST STEAKS IN CHICAGO. Not kidding. If you love steak, you have to go here. For sides we had fresh shucked corn and shitake mushrooms, both were scrumptious. Chicago Cut definitely lived up to the hype and I’m pretty sure I didn't stop (drunkenly) talking about it throughout my entire birthday party. Thanks Amber!

The last few weeks have been a culinary delight (with one culinary disappointment). And now it’s time to pick up running again since I have eaten ALL the foods in Chicago. Oh and thanks to my loving friends I also have a cookie cake and chocolate chip cookie dough dip waiting for me at home. Mmmmm.

“I am not a glutton – I am an explorer of food.”  – Erma Bombeck

ZMas 2011

How do I describe what Zmas is? It is a marvelous celebration combining a love of zombies, the Christmas spirit, preparation for the Zombie Apocalypse (which I have trademarked the Zompocalypse™), games, prizes, and of course bacon. Drew, Olivia, and Carson started this tradition in 2010 but made the decision to expand the celebration to masses in 2011. Per email invitation from Drew, here is a description of what was in store:

“This year we excitedly announce the next phase of Zmas. We would like you to join us for a zombie themed evening of fun, games, and zombie defense training. We ask that each guest bring a wrapped weapon that could be used to dispatch encroaching zombie hoards to include in a "white elephant" style gift exchange. In addition to the gift exchange there will be prizes awarded for winners of our zombie themed games!
Do not put too much thought into the gift exchange purchases. Simply walk around Home Depot until you find something that appears to have some killing potential. Past weapons have included outwardly benign items such as a cast iron skillet and a crowbar. Any item capable of delivering blunt force trauma to a zombie’s skull is perfect.”

The Zmas story really starts with my weapon preparation. Fortunately I live a block away from Tenebuam Harware. Normally I love their costumer service and abundant attention but seeing as I was looking for items to build a zombie killing weapon I wanted as few questions as possible. I didn’t really know what I was looking for so I just walked the aisles politely declining any assistance. I finally decided on combining the traditional ‘2x4 with large nails sticking out of it’ with a small $10 metal shovel. The wood planks (excuse my lack of handyman technical term knowledge) were very cheap but way too long so I asked a guy there if he could cut it for me. So of course he asked what I was working on and the first not completely weird thing I could think to say was, “oh it’s for an art project for school.” Then when I was trying to find the right size nails in a boxed quantity of less than 5,000 he asked how many I needed and proceeded to open a box, take 3 out, and tell me to just put them in my pocket.  Olivia fiercely models my ZomKiller 3000 below:

Zmas was held on December 10^th this year and was an unforgettable event. As all successful parties require there was a plethora of delicious food and drinks including event themed Zombies (the cocktail) and Rogue Dead Guy Ale and my first attempt at bacon wrapped dates (they were so delicious and have been made several times since).

As well, the sorority girl in me insisted that I make a shirt themed for this special occasion:

Zmas consisted of several events in which the winner received the traditional Zmas gift of a machete. Yes, Drew ordered machetes as prizes. First event was Zombie Trivia in which I slaughtered the competition (no surprise from anyone) and was awarded the first machete. Here’s me looking extremely uncomfortable holding a machete.

Next up was zombie weapon trivia which mainly consisted of knowing a lot of types of guns. Markus took the crown machete on that one. Here he is in his zombie attacked outfit getting way too friendly with his prize:

Then it was time for the zombie weapon white elephant exchange. All homemade weapons were wrapped so that we didn’t know what was inside.

We drew numbers for gift selection order and the process of choosing, stealing, trading, punching, and whining was underway. I was in awe of the time, effort, and creativity of most of the weapons. Once we had all opened our gifts we voted on best weapon. The honor went to Olivia whose weapon was basically a plunger filled with cement with very large nails protruding. A close second (and the gift I ended up with and thought was the most hilarious) was Arthur’s weapon which was a hammer dipped in glue and rolled in shards of glass. As I opened the gift, Arthur warned me to be very careful as the glue had not fully dried and pieces of glass were haphazardly falling off it. Some shots of the Best Weapon winner and runner-up and the whole gang with their Zmas weapons:

The final Zmas event was the Zombie killing contest which involved shooting a BB gun inside Drew and Olivia’s aparment. Drew found these awesome shooting targets where the BB would make the target turn green if you shot the zombie in the head, yellow if you shot the zombie anywhere else, and red if you shot a victim. It’s the first time I’ve shot a BB gun and I was terrible at it but it was so much fun. The winner was the person who had the best shots (3 shots total) in 10 seconds. I took almost a full minute to get off three shots and only hit the target twice. Eric was the proud winner of the zombie killing contest.

Then Arthur suggested one last Zmas event: to end the night watching the critically acclaimed Zombie Strippers. For any of you who want to check out this masterpiece starring America’s sweetheart, Jenna Jameson, here’s the IMDb link: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0960890/.  Fair warning, once you see a zombie stripper shoot pool balls out her hooha, you can never unsee it.

With bellies full of delicious food and drink, minds full of zombie trivia, hands full of homemade weapons and machetes, and hearts full of Zmas magic, we were satisfied to call Zmas 2011 a total success.