The Best Friends Make You Mixtapes

I met Kevin when I started at Kendall in July of 2009. Once he moved past whispering STD symptoms in my ear as he walked by my desk and making fun of one item of my clothing on a daily basis, our friendship soon evolved to discussing music. Just kidding, Kevin has never stopped making fun of my outfits and everything else about me LOL what a fun friend!

You may remember Kevin from such hits as: 

                                 Embarrassing Appearance on the Steve Harvey Show

Completely unrelated but there's no way I couldn't include that video. Also everyone should know that the first time I saw Kevin drink scotch, he ordered a scotch and Coke. Scotch and Coke. I didn't think our friendship would make it through that.

Anyway... when Kevin first asked what type of music I listen to, I think I told him something along the lines of  Emo, Screamo, Q101 circa 1998-2001 and gave him some examples like Saves the Day, Taking Back Sunday, Dashboard, Jack's Mannequin, etc. He said he could work with that and that he would make me an amazing CD. I love being introduced to new music so I was totally on board. Soon I received the very first Best CD Ever. And it was the most emo thing I've ever heard in my entire life. It was basically just Damien Rice, Ray Lamontagne, and Death Cab for Cutie crying for an hour. I thought I was already listening to emo but I didn't even know what that genre meant until this CD. When you listen to this CD all the way through it's pretty much like The Ring - except instead of being killed by a decrepit girl with gross hair you just kill yourself.

As we further discussed music, Kevin's mixtapes got better and better. I think we're now at Best CD Ever Volume 7. I owe him so much for introducing me to life changing songs and bands. He puts so much thought and effort into these CDs. The other incredible thing about these mixtapes is the commentary Kevin provides. Everyone stop what you're doing right now and call Kevin to tell him to quit his job and become a full-time music reviewer. His number is 985-655-2500. Below is a collection of his greatest, weirdest, funniest, and/or most offensive reviews.

The Drought by Horse Feathers - The most lyrical and folky way to say it's hot as hell outside. You will find yourself singing this song while taking the elevator with [awkward coworker].

This Empty Northern Hemisphere by Gregory Alan Isakov – GAI is my son, I don’t know how that works but he is. He is our age. Why is he so much cooler than us?

Heavy Feet by Local Natives – Another great song by Local Natives. They just shit out good songs like it's nothing.

Kaki King – Before the year is over I will have sex with her and her guitar. I never liked guitar solos until I heard her. She doesn't even need lyrics to give the song important meaning. And she sucks at singing so it works out for everyone.

I Remember by Damien Rice - “Oh this is a nice song, what a nice way to end a CD. Oh wow this girl has a nice voice too, oh look, it's Damien singing now, how nice, this is so ….........OH MY GOD. AHHHHHHHHHH! Why are my ears being raped? Why is he screaming? Why is my heart racing? Am I on coke?” The answer is yes, yes you are.

Airplanes by Local Natives – After going to their concert my life changed. Water tasted different, stealing people's iphones on the CTA was more rewarding, it was a life altering experience.

Two Coins by City and Colour –  I've literally never even heard all of this song. I just play the beginning and rewind it. That's how good this song is. Warning: do not walk down the street while playing this song. You will strut ...and put on a cowboy hat.

Piece of Your Pie by Snowmine – This is a love or hate song. But don't take it too seriously. You may hate it at first, hear it again, and then make it your wedding song.

Beach Song by Seryn – This song is like being smacked in the face with a trapper keeper. I am going to play this song as my wife is in labor and the baby comes out.

Warning Sign by Local Natives – It takes 2 seconds to learn the lyrics. Do it, run to your nearest Ruby Tuesday and shout it out. Get people to join you and march down the street. I'm pretty sure this song is the cure for AIDS.

Kevin Lamar, everyone. [Applause and standing ovation]. If musicians knew what they were doing they'd quote Kevin right on the front of the album. Instant 9845137081362% increase in sales.

    

                           

Can't wait for Best CD Ever Volume 46!

A Girl's Best Friend: Chips Raylan Walker

I'd been deliberating about getting a dog since I moved into an apartment that allowed them about a year and a half ago. I finally decided I was responsible enough and willing to change my life style enough in order to accommodate dog ownership. I didn't want to get a dog just to get one so I started browsing shelter websites and resolved to wait until the right one came along.

Then I saw him. A 20lb corgi / shiba inu mix named Winston. Winston was available the following Saturday. There was no reserving dogs – they were on a first come, first serve basis and a sign up would be posted on the door starting at 6am. I bribed Kristin with beef jerky and donuts and we made the trek out to Huntley at 4:30am. We arrived to the middle of nowhere at about 5:45am. There was one other car in the parking lot. The sign up was placed on the door at 6am, we exited our cars and approached the door. I asked the other guy what dog he was there for. At first he didn't want to tell me and was avoiding the question so I asked him several times if he knew what first come, first served meant. I explained to him that if we were there for the same dog he was obviously going to get it since his name was above mine on the sign up. He could at least have the courtesy of telling me so that I didn't have to wait in my car for 3 hours with false hope. After a minor amount of bullying by myself and another girl who had shown up he of course said he was there for Winston. He then proceeded to tell us that he and his wife had driven from Michigan and camped out in their car overnight. With my head hung low I got back in my car. Kristin and I sadly concluded that if they had put in the effort to drive all that way and sleep in their car over night it was pretty much assured they would be going home with Winston. We didn't want to wait in the car for 3 hours until adoptions started at 9am just to go home empty handed. We drove back to the city disappointed, sobbing and listening to "Everybody Hurts" on repeat. That last part didn't really happen, but we were pretty bummed.

I'm sure Winston turned out to be a complete terror and has completely destroyed that couple's house and everything that they love.

I took a break from looking at dogs for a few weeks to mend my broken heart but my desire to get a dog was still strong and I soon began browsing again. And I saw Nash, the cutest 16 lb corgi /sheltie mix at a shelter out in Homer Glen. I didn't want to miss the opportunity to get him so I called in sick to work the next day (employee of the year!) and went to go meet him. He was adorable and sweet and I knew he was my dog. I handed over my credit card to the staff who acted like I was really putting them out the entire time to look at the dog and ask a couple questions. They gave me a leash and collar and sent us on our way. In retrospect, I'm really glad I rescued him from that shelter. I feel bad for all shelter dogs but some have it better than others and this shelter was so dirty, and gross, and the staff seemed like they hated being there so I was really happy to get my dog out of there. He was so dirty and smelled so bad that I had to drive with my windows down for an hour on the highway in February.

I immediately went to the vet to get him checked out. He got some medicine for kennel cough but other than that the vet said he was very healthy. Then we went home. Our home! I promptly began teaching him his new name: Chips. I also replaced most song lyrics with "chips" so that he learned it even faster. The name comes from the dog in one of my favorite movies, Dawn of the Dead. Plus it's just a really cute name. So without further ado, here's my boy!

Screw you Winston, Chips 2.0 is so much better!

Sometimes he's very sleepy:

He's a big Illini fan!

I-L-L !

Sometimes he thinks he's a cat:

He had to get neutered and he was very unhappy while he had to wear a cone for a week:

I'm pathetic :(

Sometimes he's super naughty. Like when he ate my sweater. Or when he tries to bite the face off of every dog he sees. Or when he peed on my scrapbooks. Or when he bit a hole in my new air mattress. At least his Aunt Linds took a cute video of him jumping around on the half deflated mattress:

He's silly and funny and sweet and cuddly and sometimes a huge pain in the butt and quirky and adorable. I love him and he's the best decision I ever made! 

Always accepting applications for new friends!

The Friendship Checklist

I don't like people all that much. Being around the general public on the L, in the Target on Elston, or at large outdoor music festivals makes me lose my shit. I don't have the tolerance or patience to be friends with just anyone. Thus I've developed a simple checklist to ensure I'm surrounding myself with the best possible human companions.

ü  You're very funny. But we have a mutual understanding that I'm slightly funnier. Also, you consistently remind me of this fact.

ü  You know that narwhals are real. You don't think they are imaginary unicorn-of-the-sea creatures from children's books, you don't think they are just funny looking animations that hope Buddy the Elf finds his dad, and you certainly didn't write this glorious post.

ü  We have a lot of dirt on each other so we're both way too scared to stop being friends.

ü  You know which Ninja Turtle you are. You don't have to ponder over it because I just asked you, you already know. And you're not Michelangelo.

ü  You've given me a nickname. I like when my friends give me nicknames. Additionally, it always backfires when you try to give yourself a nickname. Right, CDub and Triscuit? Successful nicknames given from people who I am so pleased to not have to end my friendships with: LDub, Baconator, Rooms, Birdmouth, Foxy, VP Treats, and Hot Pocket.

ü  You know as well as I do that the first season of The O.C. is the greatest first season of a television series ever. In the history of the world. Times infinity.

ü  Speaking of which, you find my hyperbolic rhetoric quite charming. And often do a killer impression of me.

ü  You're very skilled at Mario Kart but I still beat you. It's a close race. It's a real nail-biter at times. The competition is fierce. But I still beat you. 

ü  You love animals, especially doggies, but you still find this and this extremely hilarious. Oh yeah, and this.

ü  We hate all the same things. We don't need to have much in common in order to have a successful friendship. We don't have to like the same TV shows, or music, or have the same hobbies. What's really important is we hate the same horrible awful terrible things and can bond over that hatred. Examples include:

-  People who substitute an 'e' sound for 'i' as in Ellinois or melk.

-  Birds

-  Every single thing about this trailer

-  Comcast

I'll go ahead and say that if you can check off 8 out of 10 we're in good shape. Congrats, I love you (or most parts of you) and we are best friends forever!