The Friendship Checklist

I don't like people all that much. Being around the general public on the L, in the Target on Elston, or at large outdoor music festivals makes me lose my shit. I don't have the tolerance or patience to be friends with just anyone. Thus I've developed a simple checklist to ensure I'm surrounding myself with the best possible human companions.

ü  You're very funny. But we have a mutual understanding that I'm slightly funnier. Also, you consistently remind me of this fact.

ü  You know that narwhals are real. You don't think they are imaginary unicorn-of-the-sea creatures from children's books, you don't think they are just funny looking animations that hope Buddy the Elf finds his dad, and you certainly didn't write this glorious post.

ü  We have a lot of dirt on each other so we're both way too scared to stop being friends.

ü  You know which Ninja Turtle you are. You don't have to ponder over it because I just asked you, you already know. And you're not Michelangelo.

ü  You've given me a nickname. I like when my friends give me nicknames. Additionally, it always backfires when you try to give yourself a nickname. Right, CDub and Triscuit? Successful nicknames given from people who I am so pleased to not have to end my friendships with: LDub, Baconator, Rooms, Birdmouth, Foxy, VP Treats, and Hot Pocket.

ü  You know as well as I do that the first season of The O.C. is the greatest first season of a television series ever. In the history of the world. Times infinity.

ü  Speaking of which, you find my hyperbolic rhetoric quite charming. And often do a killer impression of me.

ü  You're very skilled at Mario Kart but I still beat you. It's a close race. It's a real nail-biter at times. The competition is fierce. But I still beat you. 

ü  You love animals, especially doggies, but you still find this and this extremely hilarious. Oh yeah, and this.

ü  We hate all the same things. We don't need to have much in common in order to have a successful friendship. We don't have to like the same TV shows, or music, or have the same hobbies. What's really important is we hate the same horrible awful terrible things and can bond over that hatred. Examples include:

-  People who substitute an 'e' sound for 'i' as in Ellinois or melk.

-  Birds

-  Every single thing about this trailer

-  Comcast

I'll go ahead and say that if you can check off 8 out of 10 we're in good shape. Congrats, I love you (or most parts of you) and we are best friends forever!