What Were Their Parents Thinking?

I’d like to thank my parents for giving me a name that I’m happy to have for my entire life. Lauren Rose Walker may not be the most unique name but it’s pretty and I like it. According to this website, Lauren means “crowned with Laurel.” Go find out what your name means if you don’t already know. My parents’ second choice name for me was Nicole which, again, isn’t too exciting but perfectly acceptable. My parents didn’t really have much of a choice with my brother. I mean, when you already have three Charles Verne Walkers how could you not add a fourth?

The point is, my parents aren’t mean or batshitcrazy unlike some parents out there who have punished their children for their entire lives by giving them unbelievably awful names. We’ve probably heard some of the terrible celebrity baby names out there, for example:

Pilot Inspektor (Jason Lee)

Jermajesty (Jermaine Jackson)

Moxie CrimeFighter (Penn Jillette)

Kyd (David Duchovny and Tea Leoni)

Moon Unit (Frank Zappa)

Naming your baby isn’t some fun game where you start just putting random letters together and see what sounds the most gag inducing. Or you just name them the first thing that pops into your line of vision (looking at you Gwyneth Paltrow). We are talking about naming a human being who has to introduce themselves by this name to every person they talk to for their entire existence.

Teaching and working in Higher Ed for the last 5 ½ years, I’ve heard my share of horrendous names. I always say I’m going to write them down and keep a running list but unfortunately I haven’t done that, so I’m sure I’m forgetting some real winners. But I’m going to try to remember some of the absolute worst to share with you and I’ll add to the list as I think of more.

Chanel  (not entirely bad on it’s own, but add in the fact she has a brother named Stetson, and   yes it was intentional to name them after perfume and cologne)

Dorcus (What, Nerdface was already taken? Why would you wish this upon your baby girl?)

Tuesday Birdock (really, we can’t do better than naming a baby after a day of the week? Plus the word  ‘bird’ is in there so it makes it even worse)

Ramen Benyamen (just say it outloud and try not to laugh or think of noodles)

Parris Harris (my most recent addition to the list and my current fave)

Plus my all time favorite worst first name, contributed by Olivia: AlPacino (no space, capital ‘A’ and ‘P’, this is what some crazy person named their child).

I’m sure you’ve encountered some unfortunate names along the way, so let’s hear them!

Running Sucks

I’ve been saying for a long time that I want to make exercise a regular part of my routine but whenever I start a workout plan I quickly lose interest. I just really don’t find it enjoyable and have a hard time finding the motivation to stick with it.  I’m not really that concerned about my weight; I eat whatever I want and my pants still fit. And I know I would just keep hitting the snooze button instead of getting up an hour early to work out. It’s also hard to want to exercise after being at work for 9 hours. But I know it’s important to be healthy and I feel really out of shape.

In high school I was super in shape because we were always biking everywhere and I played a bunch of sports. Since high school I haven’t regularly worked out except for the year I lived with my parents after I finished grad school. I was only teaching part-time so I had a lot of free time on my hands. The gated community where my parents live has a workout room with brand new equipment which was always free because, except for my parents and a few others, no one under 75 lives at Lake Barrington Shores. Plus there is a fantastic, hilly path along the lake that was perfect for rollerblading. What, rollerblading is cool, right?

Since I’ve lived in Lincoln Park for the last 2 ½ years, I haven’t done a whole lot of physical activity except walking up and down my 3 flights of stairs every day. A couple years ago I fell really badly rollerblading and really hurt myself so I’m kind of scared to rollerblade around the city especially because the streets are in such bad shape with rocks and debris just waiting to get lodged in my wheels. I’m also way too intimidated to bike in the city. I have seen cars almost hit bikers so many times and I’ve heard too many horror stories of friends having biking accidents, including one who lost half his thumb because someone opened their car door into him while biking. Sorry if you just barfed.

With rollerblading and biking out, that doesn’t leave me with a whole lot of options for exercise except for running. Ick. Running is soooo terrible. It’s super boring and not fun. When I’m running the only thing I can think about is how awful running is. Honestly there are only 2 good reasons to run: 

1. Toward cheese fries

2. Away from birds. 

I just don’t really know what other options I have. I’d have a much more enjoyable time getting in shape by playing a sport with other people but I don’t really know anyone who is in a league (that also doesn’t care too much about winning and won’t immediately regret having my spazzy ass on the team).

So I’ve been reading a ton of tips and plans for beginning runners. I downloaded a google app called My Tracks that will record my path, distance, pace, etc. I bought some pants and shirts for running. I bought a new pair of running shoes. Aren’t they pretty:

I have the gear and I’ve done the research. Now I just need to get to that step of actually running. I’ll keep you updated on my (mis)adventures in running. Wish me luck!

Woohoo! March Madness is Upon Us!

Alright, I’m not the biggest sports fan in the world. I haven’t followed pro basketball since the Bulls were winning championships and it was cool to be in love with Reggie Miller and Grant Hill. I hate football except for the food at Super Bowl gatherings. I don’t even have to explain why I’m not into soccer ...I mean, it’s soccer. The only sports I am genuinely interested in following are baseball and college basketball. And even I can admit that baseball can get pretty boring to watch unless you’re at the game.

I just love college basketball; to me it’s the perfect sport. One of my favorite memories from college was watching Illinois play in the championship game in 2005. Even though the loss was heartbreaking, it was so exciting, the campus had so much energy, and all the students flooding the streets afterward was unforgettable. It’s hard to be as into the sport when your team sucks, but I’m a Cubs fan so I guess I’m used to it. Even though the Illini will be lucky to win their first game in the tournament, I’m still really looking forward to watching a ton of great games these next few weeks.

So, I really just want to share my excitement with all of you over March Madness beginning this week! Good luck with your brackets! I’ll keep you updated on how I’m doing...

UPDATE 3/19/11: Go Illini! Thank you for at least winning one game this tourney. Bracket's not doing too bad, although Louisville screwed me. Aside from my bracket, my dad's friend has done a pool for as long as I can remember. Basically you draw a team out of a hat and that's your team to win it all. Or if you team loses but the winner doesn't cover the spread, you get the winning team. Which is exactly what happened to me yesterday: I pulled Boston U but Kansas didn't cover. So now I have Kansas, which is looking promising however a major conflict of interest considering they play U of I in the next round.
UPDATE 3/21/11: Well, as expected, the Illini are out :(  But at least Kansas covered the spread so I still have that going for me.
UPDATE 3/28/11: After this weekend, my chance at any success during this tourney is over. Booo. At the very least, I am glad that I can go back to hating Kansas, it felt very dirty and wrong to be cheering for them.

Affect vs. Effect: You Think You Know But You Have No Idea

Recently a coworker was drafting an email to a student and asked if she should be using ‘affect’ or ‘effect’. I know I learned the difference a long long time ago but, as I attempted to answer her, I realized I was second guessing myself. I didn’t like not knowing the answer to her question because I am so accustomed to always being right. Maybe it’s my old age (btw happy birthday to me!) or maybe I’ve just been out of school too long.  I wrote roughly 820,369,418,604,784,542 papers throughout college and grad school and I definitely was clear on the proper usage back then.

I want you to know that I have NEVER misused there vs. their vs. they’re. Or your vs. you’re. Or than vs. then. But I was feeling unsure about affect vs. effect.

So a quick Google search will give us a little review:

Affect

1. To have an influence on or effect a change in: Inflation affects the buying power of the dollar.
2. To act on the emotions of; touch or move.
3. To attack or infect, as a disease: Rheumatic fever can affect the heart.

Effect

1. Something brought about by a cause or agent; a result.
2. The power to produce an outcome or achieve a result; influence: The drug had an immediate effect on the pain. The government's action had no effect on the trade imbalance.
3. A scientific law, hypothesis, or phenomenon: the photovoltaic effect. |
4. Advantage; avail: used her words to great effect in influencing the jury.
5. The condition of being in full force or execution: a new regulation that goes into effect tomorrow.
6. Something that produces a specific impression or supports a general design or intention: The lighting effects emphasized the harsh atmosphere of the drama.
7. A particular impression: large windows that gave an effect of spaciousness.
8. Production of a desired impression: spent lavishly on dinner just for effect.
9. The basic or general meaning; import: He said he was greatly worried, or words to that effect.

Then myself and two coworkers took this quiz:

Effect vs. Affect Quiz

One coworker got 7/11, one got 8/11, and I scored 9/11. The most important thing about all this is that I won. But I still didn’t do that well. I’ve always excelled at English and writing papers but apparently affect vs. effect can still trip me up. Take the quiz and see how you do. This stuff is tricky!

And now I’ve been saying affect and effect so many times they don’t even sounds like real words anymore...

Best Of: Teacher Evaluations

For those of you who aren't aware, I taught Public Speaking at the University of Illinois during my two years of grad school and for a year at Triton College right after I finished my MA. In total it was 14 never-boring sections of very diverse students. I LOVE teaching. It’s challenging and really time consuming but also very rewarding and always equips you with an unending supply of ridiculous stories.

Like that time one of my freshman managed to tip his entire desk over and go crashing to the floor in the middle of lecture. I’ve never seen anyone’s face turn redder. Or the time a student’s mom called me to explain why her college-aged son wasn’t able to complete his homework on time. Or like the time my student came to class without any shoes on. Apparently the night before he had been through a little hazing at the frat he just joined and couldn’t find his shoes in the morning. But he did not want to miss my class so he walked to campus without his shoes. I made him give an impromptu speech about why he didn’t have shoes ...it actually turned out to be a pretty inspiring speech.

Unfortunately I’m not currently teaching because there are very few full-time positions available and adjunct positions pay next to nothing with no insurance/benefits. At least I’ve found other positions in higher ed where I still get to work with students. But I definitely don’t get to bond as much with the students and don’t come away with a new crazy story every single day (just every other day J).  

As you probably all remember, at the end of the semester students fill out evaluations of the instructor and the course. I’m happy to report that overall I’ve received sincere, flattering, and encouraging evals from my students.  I appeared on U of I’s “Teachers Ranked As Excellent By Their Students” all 4 semesters teaching there. Yeah, maybe I’m bragging a little ...but I put a lot of effort into my teaching and it’s good to know it pays off. Which brings me to the main point of this post: I’ve saved the best and funniest of my teacher evaluations. I figure it’s a good idea to save the really good ones if I ever apply for a teaching position again. Here’s an example of a standard eval I’ve received:

But then I have a handful of hilarious ones I've saved because they make me laugh every time I read them. Here's one that really highlights the strenghts and weaknesses of my teaching:



Maybe I can use this at my next job interview.

Interviewer: What would you say is one of your weaknesses?

Me: Well, I am just too darn nice. It's been a challenge going through life being too nice but I've managed to overcome this weakness by throwing in some bitchyness every once in a while.

Did I mention that the Course Director reviews all the evals before they are passed along to the instructor? Keep in mind that the Course Director is an incredibly sweet woman in her 70s. My evals can't even be the most inappropriate and I just imagine the look on her face while reading comments like "she DOMINATES."

I think this next student may have liked me just a little.

 Finally, I'll leave you with my all-time favorite eval which really just says it all when it comes to Public Speaking.

Food With Dumb Names Udderly Piss Me Off

One of my biggest pet peeves is when restaurants give really lame, stupid, corny names to items on their menu. I don’t want to feel like an idiot ordering food. I get very crabby when obstacles get in the way of me and food. If a menu item makes me embarrassed to say it outloud to another human being then it shouldn’t be named that.

There are some establishments out there that are skating on thin ice but don’t quite cross the line. Although it makes me feel a little dumb to order a Bacon Turkey Bravo at Panera, it’s not enough to rob me of the gloriousness that is bacon, turkey, gouda, and whatever the hell Bravo sauce is, on tomato basil bread.  Then when it’s time for dessert, why I need to ask the cashier for a Chocolate Chipper is beyond me. So unnecessary, Panera. I will continue to just ask for a chocolate chip cookie. I think they’ll know what I mean. When I go to Jimmy John’s it makes my skin crawl a bit but I can manage to spit out the words “I’ll have a Big John.” Yeah they could have made my life easier and called it a Roast Beef Sub but I’ll get over it. No, what I’m referring to in this post are the names that are so heinous it makes me want to barf fire on a pile of kittens¹.

¹ Credit for the phrase “barf fire on kittens” given to: Hertko, Kristin (2011).

Let me give you some examples of items that make my face turn red having to say these words to a cashier/server. Jamba Juice offers a smoothie called Mango-a-go-go. There is not a chance I would walk up to the register and say “I’d like a Mango-a-go-go please” no matter how badly I want their delicious mango passionfruit juice pineapple sherbet beverage. I am forced to live my life without it because they couldn’t just call it a Mango Smoothie. Another great example is Moons Over My Hammy at Denny’s. Even in an extremely intoxicated state (which is the only way I would find myself at a Denny’s) there is no possibility I could get my mouth to form the words “I’ll take the Moons Over My Hammy.” Sure, I’m wasted and would love nothing more than to consume a ham, egg, and cheese sandwich with a side of hashbrowns but I guess I’ll have to live without it. Thanks for nothing, Denny’s.

My all-time most hated menu item is courtesy of Oberweis Dairy. Brace yourselves. They offer a blended coffee drink called the Udderly Mocha Moo Cooler. Ahhhhh. It’s so horrible. Not only do I have to say “udderly” instead of “utterly” but I also have to say the words “moo cooler.” Yes, I want a frozen treat. Yes, I would love to drink a scrumptious mixture of coffee, chocolate, and icecream. Yes, I would love to consume 760 calories through a straw. But I would rather shove sharp tacks in my eyes while listening to country music surrounded by birds than walk up to the counter and request an “Udderly Mocha Moo Cooler.”  Just in case you’re wondering, there’s another one called the Pina Cowlada Moo Cooler. Whoever created these products is laughing him/herself to sleep because idiots are actually saying these words outloud.

The exception to the stupid, corny names is Pet Grooming and/or Boarding establishments. I don’t know why, but in this specific instance, the lamer the better. They crack me up and I love them. Let me share some of the best I’ve come across:

Central Bark Doggy Daycare

DoGone Fun Dog Daycare

Paws-A-Tively Pet Grooming

WigglyVille Pet Boutique

Bone’Jour Pet Salon

Citizen Canine Bed & Breakfast for Dogs

and my #1 favorite ...wait for it...

Barker & Meowsky: A Paw Firm

Bwahahahaha! How can you not LOVE those?

PUPPY PUPPY PUPPY: Cuteness Overload

Chuck and Amber got a new puppy on Saturday. He is a Yorkie and Maltese mix, or a Morkie. And he’s damn cute:

Meet New Puppy Kagan

He is only 10 weeks old and was flown in from Iowa. Chuck and Amber wanted to meet him before settling on a name. I suggested Guinness because his body is the color of Guinness and the lighter fur on his face and paws look like the foam on top. Shaun suggested Chewy (as in Chewbaca) which I thought would be adorable. Chuck and Amber decided on Kagan, as in Supreme Court Justice Elena Kagan who was their Harvard Law School Dean. I’m just glad Amber didn’t allow Chuck’s first choice of Spike.

Before I talk too much about the new pup, I have to pay homage to Amber’s first dog, Eli:

Eli knows how to cheer me up!

I call him Cheesecake because of Eli’s Cheesecake. For a while Amber was very confused as to why I was calling her dog this as she has never lived anywhere that carries Eli’s Cheesecakes. I have spent lots of time with Eli over the years and have dogsat several times.  Eli is the best! First of all, he is a Maltese but is gigantic – he’s a little chunky but mostly he’s just BIG. He is about 15 pounds which is quite large for that breed. Eli has the funniest personality. He loves to flop on his back for belly rubs. For some reason he likes jumping in and out of bathtubs (I think to try and drink from the faucet). Every single time you try to put his leash on he runs to slurp down some water like he needs to hydrate just in case this walk ends up being a 20 mile journey through the desert. One thing Eli does just for me is an acrobat routine on the couch: when I come over he tries to climb to the highest point on the couch, first standing on the arm then trying to stand on the skinny back of the couch. Usually I have to catch him from falling off. I think he is just trying to be the same height as me or something. Eli is also afraid of going up most stairs. So weird. He is fine on Chuck and Amber’s front stairs but he refuses to go up their back stairs or the stairs at my apartment. He will dig his heels in with all his weight and won’t budge until you pick him up and carry him up 3 flights of stairs. He is quite a character and I love him so much! Even with the new puppy, Eli will not get any less affection and attention!


Eli next to the Eli Cake that Amber made

 Now, more on new pup Kagan. He is so tiny!! He will get to be about 7 lbs. but right now he is only about 2.5 lbs. I went to see him on Saturday and I think he was very exhausted from his trip and very nervous. He hardly moved; he just wanted to find a warm place and sleep. He was sitting next to me while I pet him and his eyes kept closing until he totally fell over. He fell asleep sitting up. Adorable!

I stopped over again on Sunday to see him and he was a little more active. He was following Eli around and exploring the house more. So far Eli is pretending he doesn’t exist but hopefully they will become friends soon. I think Eli will like him as long as Kagan knows Eli is the boss.  I can’t wait to visit Kagan again soon. Hopefully he’ll be more comfortable in his new home and more playful.

I want a doggy so bad but right now it’s not an option since my apartment doesn’t allow dogs. Hopefully I can make it happen sometime in the near future. For now I’m glad I have lots of loving dogs in my life to borrow some playtime with J Shout out to some of my faves: Lucky, Eli, Kagan, Astro, Margo, Corona, Cody, Kinley, Layla, and Carson. Thanks for your unconditional love and always making me smile!