Elevator Etiquette

From the girl that brought you Bus Stop Etiquette comes the newest edition to doing things the best way possible: Elevator Etiquette.

I work on the 8th floor (top floor) of my building. I take the elevator every day when I come in and when I go home. I tend to take it throughout the day if I have to travel more than 3 flights of stairs. I am astounded at the complete lack of elevator etiquette that I have witnessed here. Below is a list of common offenses and my rules for proper elevator behavior. If you are guilty of any of these acts I hope you know what a dickweed you are and please expect very dirty looks from me if we are ever in an elevator together.

1.  Talking on phone:  First of all, I guess I’m impressed that your phone continues to have a signal while riding the elevator. But can’t you just tell the person on the other end to hold on for a minute or that you’ll call them right back? It’s especially rude when the elevator is packed and you’re all standing shoulder to shoulder. Elevators are small and you are now talking directly in my face. I don’t need to be trapped in a small space with you forced to listen to how your cat is having a bad day and your color preference of post-it notes.

2.  Taking the elevator 1 flight: If you have access to the stairwell in your building then make use of it.  Especially if you’re going down. I mean, come on.  I love modern technology, but that other cool invention, the flippin' stairs, are right over there.  Obviously this is excluding certain situations such as someone on crutches or someone carrying a shitload of stuff (if it’s a shitload of cupcakes, give me one!).   We only have 3 elevators for the whole building. I won’t ever get into the fact that a majority of the time one of them is out of service. I’m on the 8^th floor, I have dibs. During peak times, the wait for an elevator can be 5-10 minutes (hey, that’s long in elevator waiting time) because all you jerkfaces are taking it for one floor.

3.  Sticking your arm (or other body part) in a closing door: Yes, yes, I know you are very important and couldn’t possibly wait for the next one. You have to go ahead and thrust your chicken wing in the door right before it shuts. I guess part of me thinks you’re brave because our elevators are not very responsive. I’ve almost lost a limb trying to hold it for one of you buttheads hustling to make it into this particular elevator. I think the rule should be that if the doors are more than halfway closed, just let it go, man. You didn’t make it in time and you’re just going to have to wait for the next one instead of putting my day on hold.

4.  Holding the elevator open to ask if it’s going up or down: Your lack of proper elevator etiquette has found yet another way to prevent me from getting back up to my desk and the exciting world of financial aid. I bet the guy who came up with the idea to have light-up arrows on elevators is rolling over in his grave right now because it’s going to waste. Just look at the damn arrows. If the doors open and you see it’s going in the direction you want, then jump on in and join us. If it’s not the direction you want, don’t worry, yours will be along soon. Don’t stand in the doorway like an idiot saying, “Oh hey guys. How is everyone’s day going? Lovely weather, isn’t it? How ‘bout them Cubs? Oh, by the by, is this going up or down? Ohhhh, it’s going up? That’s not what I wanted at all. Glad I’ve managed to keep you from where you’re headed because I didn’t glance at those bright arrows in front of my idiot face telling me exactly which direction this elevator was traveling.”

5.  Holding the door open to finish your conversation: It really amazes me the number of times I’ve experienced this. You’re in the elevator with a group of people, 2 of whom are having a conversation. Person 1 steps off at their floor. They aren’t quite done talking so they could either both get off together to continue or say something like “I’ll give you a call later, we’ll discuss this more” as the doors are shutting and Person 2 continues on to their floor. That’s what normal, considerate people do, right? Instead the two of them proceed to hold the doors open and continue their conversation. Please, by all means, take your time. Why don’t you guys play out a damn game of Risk right between the doors.  I have nothing better to do than stand in this metal box going nowhere while you two carry out your conversation!!!

Hopefully no one that reads my blog is guilty of any of this terrible elevator behavior. If you do, we probably aren’t that good of friends anyway and you are quite welcome for making you a better person.

Finally, don’t be tempted to do this either:

"It looks like a Christmas tree."

Living in the Music Past

Several months ago, I attended a wedding in Champaign and shared a hotel room with some friends. While lying in our beds that Friday night discussing our favorite bands, the best song of all time, etc., Drew and I decided we were musical soul mates. I already like Drew, mostly because he laughs really hard at all my jokes, but this conversation cemented my appreciation for him. Basically we both whole-heartedly agree that there should have never been another song made after 2002. We both love classic rock and anything on Q101 from about 1996-2002.

Music during this time period really meant something to me and it just seemed so cool. I remember taping favorites from Q101’s top 9 at 9 to make some amazing mix tapes. Maybe it was because I was an angsty teenager and was all like “how do these bands know exactly how I’m feeling?” Or maybe music was just better back then.  I used to spend hours online (I can still hear the dial-up connection...) for every piece of information available on these bands. I remember when Q101’s Twisted Christmas was the greatest event of the year where you could see bands like Cake, Foo Fighters, Garbage, Beck, Filter, Disturbed, Third Eye Blind, Oasis, Deftones, and Incubus perform together all in one night. Of course I’m into some great newer bands too and I don’t actually wish music stopped after 2002, but man was I obsessed with music back then.

Here’s a look back at some favorites...

Smashing Pumpkins – This was the first concert I ever attended (7^th grade), my notebooks were filled with the SP heart logo

Bush – Gavin Rossdale was so hot.  Plus my dad earned major cool points when he came home with Sixteen Stone for me.

Cake – I was just plain obsessed with Cake and probably listened to Fashion Nugget more than any other CD I’ve ever owned.

 Incubus – man did I have a thing for Brandon Boyd, plus I thought their music was like nothing I’d ever heard before.

No Doubt – Gwen Stefani was the coolest girl on the planet when Tragic Kingdom came out.

Goldfinger – this was the first "real" concert (aka first non-arena concert) I went to in high school. I came home with a lot of bruises but loved every minute of it.

 Nirvana – I was just so grunge in 7^th grade with my flannel shirts and Kurt Cobain poster above my bed. I had the Unplugged in New York guitar book which I spent hours trying to master, I’m sure to the dismay of my parents’ ears.

Blink 182 – They haven’t exactly stood the test of time since I currently find it hard to listen to their 3 chords, but they played a huge role during my high school days. Dude Ranch was on constant repeat in my Eclipse. I have the best memories going to their concerts with Liz, Jeff, and Tom.

Weezer – The Buddy Holly video is still one of the best music videos ever made. Having been to a show just last year, I can say they’ve still got it.

Sublime – I knew every word of every song on the self-titled album. This guy who liked me Freshman year of high school used to write me notes with Sublime lyrics in them. <<Swoon>>

Foo Fighters – a quintessential alternative rock band, and one time I touched Dave Grohl.

Dashboard Confessional – majorly on the emo side of this music spectrum but who else could scream/sing about our feelings better than Chris Carrabba? When they first came on the radio, Tim used to roll down his car windows anytime Dashboard was on and blare it as loud as possible so that he could, as he called it, “advertise” the band.

There are so many more, but these are the ones that first popped into my head.

Not to mention some of the one-hit (or a couple more) wonders that never got old: Marcy Playground, Toadies, the Verve, Silverchair, Tonic, Harvey Danger, Gravity Kills, Nada Surf, Semisonic, Wheatus.

Yeah, there were some mistakes during that era: Creed, Sugar Ray, Moby, Nickelback, Smash Mouth, Limp Bizkit. Ok, BIG mistakes. But I’m willing to overlook them for the majority of awesomeness from bands during that time.

So who were your biggest music influences during your teen years/early 20s?  I’m sure I’m forgetting some good ones and would love to reminisce with you and/or tell you how I have better taste in music than you do.




This list and this one may help jog your memory for some old favorites...

RIP North Face Jacket

Well a tragic thing happened to me about a week ago. I was trying to leave the house to go do all the really important things that I do on a daily basis.  I slipped on my North Face jacket and as I zipped it up the zipper disintegrated right in my hands.  

I was super bummed but for the most part impressed when I realized how long this jacket has lasted. I got it either Junior or Senior year of high school which means it’s at least 10 years old. After college I bought myself a more grownup primary coat since I’m a professional. Don’t argue, I am so professional. However, my North Face jacket has still been perfect for casual occasions and to wear to bars without having to worry about it getting spilled on (or more likely, me spilling on it). I suppose I could get the zipper replaced but at this point it’s probably just best to move on.

So here’s to you, ubiquitously standard North Face fleece: 

No jacket could have looked better with my Abercrombie sweater, Tiffany heart tag bracelet, and Silver jeans. Unlike you and your brood, I know Dave Matthews Band sucks, however, we still got along famously over the years. Thank you for being comfy, and warm, as well as being the only article of clothing I didn’t feel extreme anxiety over when touching any surface at Kams. Enjoy your retirement, I’ll never forget the times we spent together.

What Were Their Parents Thinking?

I’d like to thank my parents for giving me a name that I’m happy to have for my entire life. Lauren Rose Walker may not be the most unique name but it’s pretty and I like it. According to this website, Lauren means “crowned with Laurel.” Go find out what your name means if you don’t already know. My parents’ second choice name for me was Nicole which, again, isn’t too exciting but perfectly acceptable. My parents didn’t really have much of a choice with my brother. I mean, when you already have three Charles Verne Walkers how could you not add a fourth?

The point is, my parents aren’t mean or batshitcrazy unlike some parents out there who have punished their children for their entire lives by giving them unbelievably awful names. We’ve probably heard some of the terrible celebrity baby names out there, for example:

Pilot Inspektor (Jason Lee)

Jermajesty (Jermaine Jackson)

Moxie CrimeFighter (Penn Jillette)

Kyd (David Duchovny and Tea Leoni)

Moon Unit (Frank Zappa)

Naming your baby isn’t some fun game where you start just putting random letters together and see what sounds the most gag inducing. Or you just name them the first thing that pops into your line of vision (looking at you Gwyneth Paltrow). We are talking about naming a human being who has to introduce themselves by this name to every person they talk to for their entire existence.

Teaching and working in Higher Ed for the last 5 ½ years, I’ve heard my share of horrendous names. I always say I’m going to write them down and keep a running list but unfortunately I haven’t done that, so I’m sure I’m forgetting some real winners. But I’m going to try to remember some of the absolute worst to share with you and I’ll add to the list as I think of more.

Chanel  (not entirely bad on it’s own, but add in the fact she has a brother named Stetson, and   yes it was intentional to name them after perfume and cologne)

Dorcus (What, Nerdface was already taken? Why would you wish this upon your baby girl?)

Tuesday Birdock (really, we can’t do better than naming a baby after a day of the week? Plus the word  ‘bird’ is in there so it makes it even worse)

Ramen Benyamen (just say it outloud and try not to laugh or think of noodles)

Parris Harris (my most recent addition to the list and my current fave)

Plus my all time favorite worst first name, contributed by Olivia: AlPacino (no space, capital ‘A’ and ‘P’, this is what some crazy person named their child).

I’m sure you’ve encountered some unfortunate names along the way, so let’s hear them!

Running Sucks

I’ve been saying for a long time that I want to make exercise a regular part of my routine but whenever I start a workout plan I quickly lose interest. I just really don’t find it enjoyable and have a hard time finding the motivation to stick with it.  I’m not really that concerned about my weight; I eat whatever I want and my pants still fit. And I know I would just keep hitting the snooze button instead of getting up an hour early to work out. It’s also hard to want to exercise after being at work for 9 hours. But I know it’s important to be healthy and I feel really out of shape.

In high school I was super in shape because we were always biking everywhere and I played a bunch of sports. Since high school I haven’t regularly worked out except for the year I lived with my parents after I finished grad school. I was only teaching part-time so I had a lot of free time on my hands. The gated community where my parents live has a workout room with brand new equipment which was always free because, except for my parents and a few others, no one under 75 lives at Lake Barrington Shores. Plus there is a fantastic, hilly path along the lake that was perfect for rollerblading. What, rollerblading is cool, right?

Since I’ve lived in Lincoln Park for the last 2 ½ years, I haven’t done a whole lot of physical activity except walking up and down my 3 flights of stairs every day. A couple years ago I fell really badly rollerblading and really hurt myself so I’m kind of scared to rollerblade around the city especially because the streets are in such bad shape with rocks and debris just waiting to get lodged in my wheels. I’m also way too intimidated to bike in the city. I have seen cars almost hit bikers so many times and I’ve heard too many horror stories of friends having biking accidents, including one who lost half his thumb because someone opened their car door into him while biking. Sorry if you just barfed.

With rollerblading and biking out, that doesn’t leave me with a whole lot of options for exercise except for running. Ick. Running is soooo terrible. It’s super boring and not fun. When I’m running the only thing I can think about is how awful running is. Honestly there are only 2 good reasons to run: 

1. Toward cheese fries

2. Away from birds. 

I just don’t really know what other options I have. I’d have a much more enjoyable time getting in shape by playing a sport with other people but I don’t really know anyone who is in a league (that also doesn’t care too much about winning and won’t immediately regret having my spazzy ass on the team).

So I’ve been reading a ton of tips and plans for beginning runners. I downloaded a google app called My Tracks that will record my path, distance, pace, etc. I bought some pants and shirts for running. I bought a new pair of running shoes. Aren’t they pretty:

I have the gear and I’ve done the research. Now I just need to get to that step of actually running. I’ll keep you updated on my (mis)adventures in running. Wish me luck!

Woohoo! March Madness is Upon Us!

Alright, I’m not the biggest sports fan in the world. I haven’t followed pro basketball since the Bulls were winning championships and it was cool to be in love with Reggie Miller and Grant Hill. I hate football except for the food at Super Bowl gatherings. I don’t even have to explain why I’m not into soccer ...I mean, it’s soccer. The only sports I am genuinely interested in following are baseball and college basketball. And even I can admit that baseball can get pretty boring to watch unless you’re at the game.

I just love college basketball; to me it’s the perfect sport. One of my favorite memories from college was watching Illinois play in the championship game in 2005. Even though the loss was heartbreaking, it was so exciting, the campus had so much energy, and all the students flooding the streets afterward was unforgettable. It’s hard to be as into the sport when your team sucks, but I’m a Cubs fan so I guess I’m used to it. Even though the Illini will be lucky to win their first game in the tournament, I’m still really looking forward to watching a ton of great games these next few weeks.

So, I really just want to share my excitement with all of you over March Madness beginning this week! Good luck with your brackets! I’ll keep you updated on how I’m doing...

UPDATE 3/19/11: Go Illini! Thank you for at least winning one game this tourney. Bracket's not doing too bad, although Louisville screwed me. Aside from my bracket, my dad's friend has done a pool for as long as I can remember. Basically you draw a team out of a hat and that's your team to win it all. Or if you team loses but the winner doesn't cover the spread, you get the winning team. Which is exactly what happened to me yesterday: I pulled Boston U but Kansas didn't cover. So now I have Kansas, which is looking promising however a major conflict of interest considering they play U of I in the next round.
UPDATE 3/21/11: Well, as expected, the Illini are out :(  But at least Kansas covered the spread so I still have that going for me.
UPDATE 3/28/11: After this weekend, my chance at any success during this tourney is over. Booo. At the very least, I am glad that I can go back to hating Kansas, it felt very dirty and wrong to be cheering for them.

Affect vs. Effect: You Think You Know But You Have No Idea

Recently a coworker was drafting an email to a student and asked if she should be using ‘affect’ or ‘effect’. I know I learned the difference a long long time ago but, as I attempted to answer her, I realized I was second guessing myself. I didn’t like not knowing the answer to her question because I am so accustomed to always being right. Maybe it’s my old age (btw happy birthday to me!) or maybe I’ve just been out of school too long.  I wrote roughly 820,369,418,604,784,542 papers throughout college and grad school and I definitely was clear on the proper usage back then.

I want you to know that I have NEVER misused there vs. their vs. they’re. Or your vs. you’re. Or than vs. then. But I was feeling unsure about affect vs. effect.

So a quick Google search will give us a little review:

Affect

1. To have an influence on or effect a change in: Inflation affects the buying power of the dollar.
2. To act on the emotions of; touch or move.
3. To attack or infect, as a disease: Rheumatic fever can affect the heart.

Effect

1. Something brought about by a cause or agent; a result.
2. The power to produce an outcome or achieve a result; influence: The drug had an immediate effect on the pain. The government's action had no effect on the trade imbalance.
3. A scientific law, hypothesis, or phenomenon: the photovoltaic effect. |
4. Advantage; avail: used her words to great effect in influencing the jury.
5. The condition of being in full force or execution: a new regulation that goes into effect tomorrow.
6. Something that produces a specific impression or supports a general design or intention: The lighting effects emphasized the harsh atmosphere of the drama.
7. A particular impression: large windows that gave an effect of spaciousness.
8. Production of a desired impression: spent lavishly on dinner just for effect.
9. The basic or general meaning; import: He said he was greatly worried, or words to that effect.

Then myself and two coworkers took this quiz:

Effect vs. Affect Quiz

One coworker got 7/11, one got 8/11, and I scored 9/11. The most important thing about all this is that I won. But I still didn’t do that well. I’ve always excelled at English and writing papers but apparently affect vs. effect can still trip me up. Take the quiz and see how you do. This stuff is tricky!

And now I’ve been saying affect and effect so many times they don’t even sounds like real words anymore...