Elevator Etiquette

From the girl that brought you Bus Stop Etiquette comes the newest edition to doing things the best way possible: Elevator Etiquette.

I work on the 8th floor (top floor) of my building. I take the elevator every day when I come in and when I go home. I tend to take it throughout the day if I have to travel more than 3 flights of stairs. I am astounded at the complete lack of elevator etiquette that I have witnessed here. Below is a list of common offenses and my rules for proper elevator behavior. If you are guilty of any of these acts I hope you know what a dickweed you are and please expect very dirty looks from me if we are ever in an elevator together.

1.  Talking on phone:  First of all, I guess I’m impressed that your phone continues to have a signal while riding the elevator. But can’t you just tell the person on the other end to hold on for a minute or that you’ll call them right back? It’s especially rude when the elevator is packed and you’re all standing shoulder to shoulder. Elevators are small and you are now talking directly in my face. I don’t need to be trapped in a small space with you forced to listen to how your cat is having a bad day and your color preference of post-it notes.

2.  Taking the elevator 1 flight: If you have access to the stairwell in your building then make use of it.  Especially if you’re going down. I mean, come on.  I love modern technology, but that other cool invention, the flippin' stairs, are right over there.  Obviously this is excluding certain situations such as someone on crutches or someone carrying a shitload of stuff (if it’s a shitload of cupcakes, give me one!).   We only have 3 elevators for the whole building. I won’t ever get into the fact that a majority of the time one of them is out of service. I’m on the 8^th floor, I have dibs. During peak times, the wait for an elevator can be 5-10 minutes (hey, that’s long in elevator waiting time) because all you jerkfaces are taking it for one floor.

3.  Sticking your arm (or other body part) in a closing door: Yes, yes, I know you are very important and couldn’t possibly wait for the next one. You have to go ahead and thrust your chicken wing in the door right before it shuts. I guess part of me thinks you’re brave because our elevators are not very responsive. I’ve almost lost a limb trying to hold it for one of you buttheads hustling to make it into this particular elevator. I think the rule should be that if the doors are more than halfway closed, just let it go, man. You didn’t make it in time and you’re just going to have to wait for the next one instead of putting my day on hold.

4.  Holding the elevator open to ask if it’s going up or down: Your lack of proper elevator etiquette has found yet another way to prevent me from getting back up to my desk and the exciting world of financial aid. I bet the guy who came up with the idea to have light-up arrows on elevators is rolling over in his grave right now because it’s going to waste. Just look at the damn arrows. If the doors open and you see it’s going in the direction you want, then jump on in and join us. If it’s not the direction you want, don’t worry, yours will be along soon. Don’t stand in the doorway like an idiot saying, “Oh hey guys. How is everyone’s day going? Lovely weather, isn’t it? How ‘bout them Cubs? Oh, by the by, is this going up or down? Ohhhh, it’s going up? That’s not what I wanted at all. Glad I’ve managed to keep you from where you’re headed because I didn’t glance at those bright arrows in front of my idiot face telling me exactly which direction this elevator was traveling.”

5.  Holding the door open to finish your conversation: It really amazes me the number of times I’ve experienced this. You’re in the elevator with a group of people, 2 of whom are having a conversation. Person 1 steps off at their floor. They aren’t quite done talking so they could either both get off together to continue or say something like “I’ll give you a call later, we’ll discuss this more” as the doors are shutting and Person 2 continues on to their floor. That’s what normal, considerate people do, right? Instead the two of them proceed to hold the doors open and continue their conversation. Please, by all means, take your time. Why don’t you guys play out a damn game of Risk right between the doors.  I have nothing better to do than stand in this metal box going nowhere while you two carry out your conversation!!!

Hopefully no one that reads my blog is guilty of any of this terrible elevator behavior. If you do, we probably aren’t that good of friends anyway and you are quite welcome for making you a better person.

Finally, don’t be tempted to do this either:

"It looks like a Christmas tree."