Best Of: Teacher Evaluations

For those of you who aren't aware, I taught Public Speaking at the University of Illinois during my two years of grad school and for a year at Triton College right after I finished my MA. In total it was 14 never-boring sections of very diverse students. I LOVE teaching. It’s challenging and really time consuming but also very rewarding and always equips you with an unending supply of ridiculous stories.

Like that time one of my freshman managed to tip his entire desk over and go crashing to the floor in the middle of lecture. I’ve never seen anyone’s face turn redder. Or the time a student’s mom called me to explain why her college-aged son wasn’t able to complete his homework on time. Or like the time my student came to class without any shoes on. Apparently the night before he had been through a little hazing at the frat he just joined and couldn’t find his shoes in the morning. But he did not want to miss my class so he walked to campus without his shoes. I made him give an impromptu speech about why he didn’t have shoes ...it actually turned out to be a pretty inspiring speech.

Unfortunately I’m not currently teaching because there are very few full-time positions available and adjunct positions pay next to nothing with no insurance/benefits. At least I’ve found other positions in higher ed where I still get to work with students. But I definitely don’t get to bond as much with the students and don’t come away with a new crazy story every single day (just every other day J).  

As you probably all remember, at the end of the semester students fill out evaluations of the instructor and the course. I’m happy to report that overall I’ve received sincere, flattering, and encouraging evals from my students.  I appeared on U of I’s “Teachers Ranked As Excellent By Their Students” all 4 semesters teaching there. Yeah, maybe I’m bragging a little ...but I put a lot of effort into my teaching and it’s good to know it pays off. Which brings me to the main point of this post: I’ve saved the best and funniest of my teacher evaluations. I figure it’s a good idea to save the really good ones if I ever apply for a teaching position again. Here’s an example of a standard eval I’ve received:

But then I have a handful of hilarious ones I've saved because they make me laugh every time I read them. Here's one that really highlights the strenghts and weaknesses of my teaching:



Maybe I can use this at my next job interview.

Interviewer: What would you say is one of your weaknesses?

Me: Well, I am just too darn nice. It's been a challenge going through life being too nice but I've managed to overcome this weakness by throwing in some bitchyness every once in a while.

Did I mention that the Course Director reviews all the evals before they are passed along to the instructor? Keep in mind that the Course Director is an incredibly sweet woman in her 70s. My evals can't even be the most inappropriate and I just imagine the look on her face while reading comments like "she DOMINATES."

I think this next student may have liked me just a little.

 Finally, I'll leave you with my all-time favorite eval which really just says it all when it comes to Public Speaking.

Food With Dumb Names Udderly Piss Me Off

One of my biggest pet peeves is when restaurants give really lame, stupid, corny names to items on their menu. I don’t want to feel like an idiot ordering food. I get very crabby when obstacles get in the way of me and food. If a menu item makes me embarrassed to say it outloud to another human being then it shouldn’t be named that.

There are some establishments out there that are skating on thin ice but don’t quite cross the line. Although it makes me feel a little dumb to order a Bacon Turkey Bravo at Panera, it’s not enough to rob me of the gloriousness that is bacon, turkey, gouda, and whatever the hell Bravo sauce is, on tomato basil bread.  Then when it’s time for dessert, why I need to ask the cashier for a Chocolate Chipper is beyond me. So unnecessary, Panera. I will continue to just ask for a chocolate chip cookie. I think they’ll know what I mean. When I go to Jimmy John’s it makes my skin crawl a bit but I can manage to spit out the words “I’ll have a Big John.” Yeah they could have made my life easier and called it a Roast Beef Sub but I’ll get over it. No, what I’m referring to in this post are the names that are so heinous it makes me want to barf fire on a pile of kittens¹.

¹ Credit for the phrase “barf fire on kittens” given to: Hertko, Kristin (2011).

Let me give you some examples of items that make my face turn red having to say these words to a cashier/server. Jamba Juice offers a smoothie called Mango-a-go-go. There is not a chance I would walk up to the register and say “I’d like a Mango-a-go-go please” no matter how badly I want their delicious mango passionfruit juice pineapple sherbet beverage. I am forced to live my life without it because they couldn’t just call it a Mango Smoothie. Another great example is Moons Over My Hammy at Denny’s. Even in an extremely intoxicated state (which is the only way I would find myself at a Denny’s) there is no possibility I could get my mouth to form the words “I’ll take the Moons Over My Hammy.” Sure, I’m wasted and would love nothing more than to consume a ham, egg, and cheese sandwich with a side of hashbrowns but I guess I’ll have to live without it. Thanks for nothing, Denny’s.

My all-time most hated menu item is courtesy of Oberweis Dairy. Brace yourselves. They offer a blended coffee drink called the Udderly Mocha Moo Cooler. Ahhhhh. It’s so horrible. Not only do I have to say “udderly” instead of “utterly” but I also have to say the words “moo cooler.” Yes, I want a frozen treat. Yes, I would love to drink a scrumptious mixture of coffee, chocolate, and icecream. Yes, I would love to consume 760 calories through a straw. But I would rather shove sharp tacks in my eyes while listening to country music surrounded by birds than walk up to the counter and request an “Udderly Mocha Moo Cooler.”  Just in case you’re wondering, there’s another one called the Pina Cowlada Moo Cooler. Whoever created these products is laughing him/herself to sleep because idiots are actually saying these words outloud.

The exception to the stupid, corny names is Pet Grooming and/or Boarding establishments. I don’t know why, but in this specific instance, the lamer the better. They crack me up and I love them. Let me share some of the best I’ve come across:

Central Bark Doggy Daycare

DoGone Fun Dog Daycare

Paws-A-Tively Pet Grooming

WigglyVille Pet Boutique

Bone’Jour Pet Salon

Citizen Canine Bed & Breakfast for Dogs

and my #1 favorite ...wait for it...

Barker & Meowsky: A Paw Firm

Bwahahahaha! How can you not LOVE those?

PUPPY PUPPY PUPPY: Cuteness Overload

Chuck and Amber got a new puppy on Saturday. He is a Yorkie and Maltese mix, or a Morkie. And he’s damn cute:

Meet New Puppy Kagan

He is only 10 weeks old and was flown in from Iowa. Chuck and Amber wanted to meet him before settling on a name. I suggested Guinness because his body is the color of Guinness and the lighter fur on his face and paws look like the foam on top. Shaun suggested Chewy (as in Chewbaca) which I thought would be adorable. Chuck and Amber decided on Kagan, as in Supreme Court Justice Elena Kagan who was their Harvard Law School Dean. I’m just glad Amber didn’t allow Chuck’s first choice of Spike.

Before I talk too much about the new pup, I have to pay homage to Amber’s first dog, Eli:

Eli knows how to cheer me up!

I call him Cheesecake because of Eli’s Cheesecake. For a while Amber was very confused as to why I was calling her dog this as she has never lived anywhere that carries Eli’s Cheesecakes. I have spent lots of time with Eli over the years and have dogsat several times.  Eli is the best! First of all, he is a Maltese but is gigantic – he’s a little chunky but mostly he’s just BIG. He is about 15 pounds which is quite large for that breed. Eli has the funniest personality. He loves to flop on his back for belly rubs. For some reason he likes jumping in and out of bathtubs (I think to try and drink from the faucet). Every single time you try to put his leash on he runs to slurp down some water like he needs to hydrate just in case this walk ends up being a 20 mile journey through the desert. One thing Eli does just for me is an acrobat routine on the couch: when I come over he tries to climb to the highest point on the couch, first standing on the arm then trying to stand on the skinny back of the couch. Usually I have to catch him from falling off. I think he is just trying to be the same height as me or something. Eli is also afraid of going up most stairs. So weird. He is fine on Chuck and Amber’s front stairs but he refuses to go up their back stairs or the stairs at my apartment. He will dig his heels in with all his weight and won’t budge until you pick him up and carry him up 3 flights of stairs. He is quite a character and I love him so much! Even with the new puppy, Eli will not get any less affection and attention!


Eli next to the Eli Cake that Amber made

 Now, more on new pup Kagan. He is so tiny!! He will get to be about 7 lbs. but right now he is only about 2.5 lbs. I went to see him on Saturday and I think he was very exhausted from his trip and very nervous. He hardly moved; he just wanted to find a warm place and sleep. He was sitting next to me while I pet him and his eyes kept closing until he totally fell over. He fell asleep sitting up. Adorable!

I stopped over again on Sunday to see him and he was a little more active. He was following Eli around and exploring the house more. So far Eli is pretending he doesn’t exist but hopefully they will become friends soon. I think Eli will like him as long as Kagan knows Eli is the boss.  I can’t wait to visit Kagan again soon. Hopefully he’ll be more comfortable in his new home and more playful.

I want a doggy so bad but right now it’s not an option since my apartment doesn’t allow dogs. Hopefully I can make it happen sometime in the near future. For now I’m glad I have lots of loving dogs in my life to borrow some playtime with J Shout out to some of my faves: Lucky, Eli, Kagan, Astro, Margo, Corona, Cody, Kinley, Layla, and Carson. Thanks for your unconditional love and always making me smile!

Birds Are Very, Very Scary

I have been afraid of birds for as long as I can remember. I hate them. My fear stems from the fact that they are so damn unpredictable. They are everywhere and could strike at any moment. They’re just flapping around willy nilly and could peck your eyes out at any minute.  And trust me, they are planning to peck your eyes out. What other thoughts could possibly be going on behind those beady little eyes?



"I would love nothing more than to peck your eyes out."



 The official name for the fear of birds is Ornithophobia. Symptoms of Ornithophobia include: breathlessness, dizziness, excessive sweating, nausea, dry mouth, shaking, heart palpitations, inability to speak or think clearly, a fear of dying, becoming mad or losing control, or a full blown anxiety attack. Upon being in the vicinity of a bird, I think I have experienced every one of these symptoms, usually simultaneously.

I’m not entirely sure what initially caused my terror of these winged devils, I’ve hated them for as long as I can remember. The fear may have originated from a bad experience with a pet bird. When I was about 6 I had a parakeet named Tweety. One day Tweety got loose from her cage. Luckily she was confined to my room, but Tweety was flying around like a maniac slamming into walls and windows. It was pretty horrific to watch. I’m pretty sure I just sat in a corner covering my head while my parents tried to throw a sheet over her. Eventually they got her back in the cage but my feelings toward birds would never be the same. They were no longer sweet pets but beings that could turn into crazed maniacs in the blink of any eye.

I hate birds, but it seems like the feeling is mutual. The birds can sense my fear and go out of their way to torment me. I was in Vegas the Spring Break after I turned 21. Walking down the hallway at the Luxor I see this man with a huge bird walking toward me. This is Vegas, it’s perfectly normal to be walking down a hotel hallway with some sort of animal attached to an appendage. Plenty of other hotel guests are passing by the bird with no disruption; the bird won’t even give them the time of day. But right as I pass by, the bird gets agitated, flapping its wings and squawking right in my face. It was a BIG bird and it was terrifying and definitely as dramatic as I’m making it seem.

Another time, in grad school, I was awoken one morning by two of my roomies knocking on my bedroom door. I open the door, see panicked looks on their faces, and one of them says, “There’s a bird in the house and we don’t really know how to get it out.” Worst way to wake up ever. Luckily my boyfriend at the time was over and we were able to assign him the duty of ridding the house of evil. The bird was confined to the sunroom so we shut him in there until he was able to coax the bird out a window while we stood in the living room panicked and yelling. Very helpful, I know.

I have no problem inconveniencing myself if it means avoiding a run-in with a bird. Any time I spot a bird I will immediately place Shaun between myself and the feathered beast. (Forced) chivalry is not dead. If I am walking home by myself and there are birds gathered in my alley I will take the long way around the block to go in the front door just so I don’t have to walk past them. When those obscenely obese pigeons have gathered under the warmers at the L stop, rather than trying to shoo them away, I will stand in the cold shivering.

Now you may have seen me wearing feather headbands and feather skirts. You might be thinking that if I wear feathers I can’t be that scared of birds. Don’t be confused just because I like things with feathers on them. Feathers come from dead birds, which is the only acceptable type of bird. I cannot stress enough: do not underestimate the evilness and ruthlessness of birds. Always stay alert in their presence as they are no doubt plotting against you. Birds are very, very scary; be careful out there.

Blogtana: The Montana Blog Edition

My 2010 holiday season consisted of 3 Christmases and a Hanukkah. The month of December kicked off the Chrismukkah season with Hanukkah being Dec. 1-8. During the second week of December, Shaun’s mom, stepdad, and sister were able to visit Chicago for Christmas #1. Sunday Dec. 19^th marked Walker Family Christmas in order to celebrate before Chuck and I went out of town.  I spent actual Christmas in Montana with Shaun’s dad, stepmom, and sister for Xmas #3. This year we were able to spend a full week in Montana which was quite a nice little vacay.

You say you’ve never been to Whitefish, Montana? For shame. I’d like to take some time to fill you in on highlights of the Montana trip; hopefully you will not become overwhelmed with jealousy.  If you happen to jump on a flight to Whitefish before you even finish reading this blog post, I would totally understand.

Like last year, much of our time consisted of playing boardgames, which typically results in me laughing so much my face hurts. We mainly played Trivial Pursuit, Scrabble, and Boggle. The version of Trivial Pursuit that resides in the Hildner household happens to be from olden times (the 70’s) so I pretty much don’t know any answers. I mean who doesn’t know that Jimmy Durante ended his radio and television shows with the sign-off of "Goodnight Mrs. Calabash, wherever you are." The Hildner siblings also remembered that Shaun built a ping pong table in highschool so we unburied it from the garage and had many intense ping pong tournaments. If you've never seen a guy in cowboy boots playing ping pong, you're really missing out. 

I obtained a new nickname. I don’t know exactly how it started  (other than the “Lor” sounds of both names) but Shaun’s family now calls me The Lorax which I think is pretty cute J Although I don’t see a ton of resemblances...

Shaun’s dad started a tradition several years ago of gathering the neighborhood on Christmas Eve to light luminarias around the pond. There are a total of 300 lights and it’s super pretty.


Not easy to see cause I'm a shitty photog, but the bridge is lined with luminarias

After setting out all the lights, we spend most of the time around a bonfire drinking super boozy delicious eggnog. Doesn’t get much better than that!  There’s a chance I actually had enough holiday spirit and eggnog to join in some caroling around the fire …but don’t believe every rumor you hear.

This year Shaun’s parents really wanted us to take a trip up to the North Fork (pretty much to Canada) to see their cabin and all the work they’ve put into it. I was pretty nervous about the trip for 2 reasons:

1.   No indoor bathroom, just an outhouse. We were only spending the afternoon but the drive is about an hour and a half each way so I figured I would have to pee at some point while there.

2.   The car gets parked at a gate off the road and then you have to snowshoe to the cabin. I have never been snowshoeing and when I asked Shaun how far we would have to go he said about 2  miles. That’s really far in the cold and wearing these things:

I like trying new things but in general I’m not very outdoorsy. This says it all:

The afternoon at the cabin ended up being really fun and not scary. Peeing in an outhouse was freezing but not the worst thing ever. As far as snowshoeing, these things were a lot more high-tech than the image that originally popped into my head:


Made of titanium? What?!

Also, Shaun is terrible at estimating distance. We only had to snowshoe about 100 yards, not 2 miles. One of my favorite memories from this trip is playing in the snow with Shaun and Erika and using the roof of the shed as a snow slide.

Several nights, we went out ‘downtown’. Downtown for Whitefish is basically 2 blocks consisting of some shops, restaurants, and bars. It’s so weird to go out and everyone at the bars knows everyone else. It’s basically a high school reunion every night since most people either still live there or were home for the holidays. On the plus side, Shaun’s house is walking distance to the bars and drinks are really cheap compared to going out in Chicago. One night instead of going out we played beer pong on the aforementioned ping pong table with a few friends. I got to experience Kokanee beer which according to Shaun and Erika was a treat at high school parties compared to the standard Keystone.

Let me inform you that Kokanee is disgusting. Fact. One of the reasons it may have been so awful is because we all sucked at beer pong so bad that by the time we drank our cups the beer was warm. But I’m pretty sure Kokanee is still gag-inducing even when cold.

Even though there are a lot of aspects of Montana that are easy to make fun of, Montana is gorgeous and I had so much fun all week. Hopefully a Summer trip will happen so I am able to enjoy Montana without 16 inches snow. Anyone else want to come along?

Super Awesome Happy Fun Blog Dedication: Michael Carson Markus

About a month ago, I decided to use my blog to bribe a friend. I was invited to watch a Bears game and given that I care nothing about football, I wanted to make sure fun friends were going to be there. Olivia told me that Markus was leaning toward not coming due to a work event. That’s when I realized I would need to step up and use the unparalleled popularity and clout of my blog to make sure maximum fun would be had at this stupid football game. I promised Markus that I would dedicate a blog to him if he came out. And he did, so it’s blogging time!

I met Markus through mutual friends and have known him for a couple years now. Markus is a very entertaining friend, fantastic to have around for drinking games, and always good for a laugh. Here are some things that make him extra cool:

Dexter is an awesome show and Markus was Detective Batista for Halloween:

I have 5 major food groups: Cheese, Cheese Fries, Beer, Bacon, and Cookie Cake/Treats. Markus is smart enough to bring cookie cakes to events:

Markus looks good eating wings:



He is not ashamed to play beer pong on my beer pong table that is really just a door cause it was cheaper than buying plywood. It takes up most of the kitchen and you really have to suck it in to fit on each side.

 

And he takes silly pictures with me when there is corn sitting on the windowsill at the bar:

So Markus, thanks for being an awesomely fun friend and I hope you enjoyed the blog in your honor!

P.S. Sorry everyone for the long break in blog posts. As I'm sure you all felt, the holidays get really hectic and I was very short on time. I promise to get back to regularly posting, I know your lives are meaningless without it.

Merry Chrismukkah!

Wooo hooo Chrismukkah officially started yesterday evening! I cheerfully, with the assistance of Shaun, got the apartment into full Chrismukkah mode last night. If these pics don't get you into the Chrismukkah spirit, I don't know what will!

Here is the banner I made a few years ago:

This is our tree:

And the menorah with some ornaments on the mantel:

And here's me, Miss Chrismukkah:

And what better way to get into the holidays than a Santa Beer Bong? My friend, Cassie, made this brilliant invention when we lived together in grad school:

Are you in the Chrismukkah spirit yet?! I know I am!

Merry Chrismukkah to all and to all a good night!