The Best Friends Make You Mixtapes

I met Kevin when I started at Kendall in July of 2009. Once he moved past whispering STD symptoms in my ear as he walked by my desk and making fun of one item of my clothing on a daily basis, our friendship soon evolved to discussing music. Just kidding, Kevin has never stopped making fun of my outfits and everything else about me LOL what a fun friend!

You may remember Kevin from such hits as: 

                                 Embarrassing Appearance on the Steve Harvey Show

Completely unrelated but there's no way I couldn't include that video. Also everyone should know that the first time I saw Kevin drink scotch, he ordered a scotch and Coke. Scotch and Coke. I didn't think our friendship would make it through that.

Anyway... when Kevin first asked what type of music I listen to, I think I told him something along the lines of  Emo, Screamo, Q101 circa 1998-2001 and gave him some examples like Saves the Day, Taking Back Sunday, Dashboard, Jack's Mannequin, etc. He said he could work with that and that he would make me an amazing CD. I love being introduced to new music so I was totally on board. Soon I received the very first Best CD Ever. And it was the most emo thing I've ever heard in my entire life. It was basically just Damien Rice, Ray Lamontagne, and Death Cab for Cutie crying for an hour. I thought I was already listening to emo but I didn't even know what that genre meant until this CD. When you listen to this CD all the way through it's pretty much like The Ring - except instead of being killed by a decrepit girl with gross hair you just kill yourself.

As we further discussed music, Kevin's mixtapes got better and better. I think we're now at Best CD Ever Volume 7. I owe him so much for introducing me to life changing songs and bands. He puts so much thought and effort into these CDs. The other incredible thing about these mixtapes is the commentary Kevin provides. Everyone stop what you're doing right now and call Kevin to tell him to quit his job and become a full-time music reviewer. His number is 985-655-2500. Below is a collection of his greatest, weirdest, funniest, and/or most offensive reviews.

The Drought by Horse Feathers - The most lyrical and folky way to say it's hot as hell outside. You will find yourself singing this song while taking the elevator with [awkward coworker].

This Empty Northern Hemisphere by Gregory Alan Isakov – GAI is my son, I don’t know how that works but he is. He is our age. Why is he so much cooler than us?

Heavy Feet by Local Natives – Another great song by Local Natives. They just shit out good songs like it's nothing.

Kaki King – Before the year is over I will have sex with her and her guitar. I never liked guitar solos until I heard her. She doesn't even need lyrics to give the song important meaning. And she sucks at singing so it works out for everyone.

I Remember by Damien Rice - “Oh this is a nice song, what a nice way to end a CD. Oh wow this girl has a nice voice too, oh look, it's Damien singing now, how nice, this is so ….........OH MY GOD. AHHHHHHHHHH! Why are my ears being raped? Why is he screaming? Why is my heart racing? Am I on coke?” The answer is yes, yes you are.

Airplanes by Local Natives – After going to their concert my life changed. Water tasted different, stealing people's iphones on the CTA was more rewarding, it was a life altering experience.

Two Coins by City and Colour –  I've literally never even heard all of this song. I just play the beginning and rewind it. That's how good this song is. Warning: do not walk down the street while playing this song. You will strut ...and put on a cowboy hat.

Piece of Your Pie by Snowmine – This is a love or hate song. But don't take it too seriously. You may hate it at first, hear it again, and then make it your wedding song.

Beach Song by Seryn – This song is like being smacked in the face with a trapper keeper. I am going to play this song as my wife is in labor and the baby comes out.

Warning Sign by Local Natives – It takes 2 seconds to learn the lyrics. Do it, run to your nearest Ruby Tuesday and shout it out. Get people to join you and march down the street. I'm pretty sure this song is the cure for AIDS.

Kevin Lamar, everyone. [Applause and standing ovation]. If musicians knew what they were doing they'd quote Kevin right on the front of the album. Instant 9845137081362% increase in sales.

    

                           

Can't wait for Best CD Ever Volume 46!

A Girl's Best Friend: Chips Raylan Walker

I'd been deliberating about getting a dog since I moved into an apartment that allowed them about a year and a half ago. I finally decided I was responsible enough and willing to change my life style enough in order to accommodate dog ownership. I didn't want to get a dog just to get one so I started browsing shelter websites and resolved to wait until the right one came along.

Then I saw him. A 20lb corgi / shiba inu mix named Winston. Winston was available the following Saturday. There was no reserving dogs – they were on a first come, first serve basis and a sign up would be posted on the door starting at 6am. I bribed Kristin with beef jerky and donuts and we made the trek out to Huntley at 4:30am. We arrived to the middle of nowhere at about 5:45am. There was one other car in the parking lot. The sign up was placed on the door at 6am, we exited our cars and approached the door. I asked the other guy what dog he was there for. At first he didn't want to tell me and was avoiding the question so I asked him several times if he knew what first come, first served meant. I explained to him that if we were there for the same dog he was obviously going to get it since his name was above mine on the sign up. He could at least have the courtesy of telling me so that I didn't have to wait in my car for 3 hours with false hope. After a minor amount of bullying by myself and another girl who had shown up he of course said he was there for Winston. He then proceeded to tell us that he and his wife had driven from Michigan and camped out in their car overnight. With my head hung low I got back in my car. Kristin and I sadly concluded that if they had put in the effort to drive all that way and sleep in their car over night it was pretty much assured they would be going home with Winston. We didn't want to wait in the car for 3 hours until adoptions started at 9am just to go home empty handed. We drove back to the city disappointed, sobbing and listening to "Everybody Hurts" on repeat. That last part didn't really happen, but we were pretty bummed.

I'm sure Winston turned out to be a complete terror and has completely destroyed that couple's house and everything that they love.

I took a break from looking at dogs for a few weeks to mend my broken heart but my desire to get a dog was still strong and I soon began browsing again. And I saw Nash, the cutest 16 lb corgi /sheltie mix at a shelter out in Homer Glen. I didn't want to miss the opportunity to get him so I called in sick to work the next day (employee of the year!) and went to go meet him. He was adorable and sweet and I knew he was my dog. I handed over my credit card to the staff who acted like I was really putting them out the entire time to look at the dog and ask a couple questions. They gave me a leash and collar and sent us on our way. In retrospect, I'm really glad I rescued him from that shelter. I feel bad for all shelter dogs but some have it better than others and this shelter was so dirty, and gross, and the staff seemed like they hated being there so I was really happy to get my dog out of there. He was so dirty and smelled so bad that I had to drive with my windows down for an hour on the highway in February.

I immediately went to the vet to get him checked out. He got some medicine for kennel cough but other than that the vet said he was very healthy. Then we went home. Our home! I promptly began teaching him his new name: Chips. I also replaced most song lyrics with "chips" so that he learned it even faster. The name comes from the dog in one of my favorite movies, Dawn of the Dead. Plus it's just a really cute name. So without further ado, here's my boy!

Screw you Winston, Chips 2.0 is so much better!

Sometimes he's very sleepy:

He's a big Illini fan!

I-L-L !

Sometimes he thinks he's a cat:

He had to get neutered and he was very unhappy while he had to wear a cone for a week:

I'm pathetic :(

Sometimes he's super naughty. Like when he ate my sweater. Or when he tries to bite the face off of every dog he sees. Or when he peed on my scrapbooks. Or when he bit a hole in my new air mattress. At least his Aunt Linds took a cute video of him jumping around on the half deflated mattress:

He's silly and funny and sweet and cuddly and sometimes a huge pain in the butt and quirky and adorable. I love him and he's the best decision I ever made! 

Always accepting applications for new friends!

The Friendship Checklist

I don't like people all that much. Being around the general public on the L, in the Target on Elston, or at large outdoor music festivals makes me lose my shit. I don't have the tolerance or patience to be friends with just anyone. Thus I've developed a simple checklist to ensure I'm surrounding myself with the best possible human companions.

ü  You're very funny. But we have a mutual understanding that I'm slightly funnier. Also, you consistently remind me of this fact.

ü  You know that narwhals are real. You don't think they are imaginary unicorn-of-the-sea creatures from children's books, you don't think they are just funny looking animations that hope Buddy the Elf finds his dad, and you certainly didn't write this glorious post.

ü  We have a lot of dirt on each other so we're both way too scared to stop being friends.

ü  You know which Ninja Turtle you are. You don't have to ponder over it because I just asked you, you already know. And you're not Michelangelo.

ü  You've given me a nickname. I like when my friends give me nicknames. Additionally, it always backfires when you try to give yourself a nickname. Right, CDub and Triscuit? Successful nicknames given from people who I am so pleased to not have to end my friendships with: LDub, Baconator, Rooms, Birdmouth, Foxy, VP Treats, and Hot Pocket.

ü  You know as well as I do that the first season of The O.C. is the greatest first season of a television series ever. In the history of the world. Times infinity.

ü  Speaking of which, you find my hyperbolic rhetoric quite charming. And often do a killer impression of me.

ü  You're very skilled at Mario Kart but I still beat you. It's a close race. It's a real nail-biter at times. The competition is fierce. But I still beat you. 

ü  You love animals, especially doggies, but you still find this and this extremely hilarious. Oh yeah, and this.

ü  We hate all the same things. We don't need to have much in common in order to have a successful friendship. We don't have to like the same TV shows, or music, or have the same hobbies. What's really important is we hate the same horrible awful terrible things and can bond over that hatred. Examples include:

-  People who substitute an 'e' sound for 'i' as in Ellinois or melk.

-  Birds

-  Every single thing about this trailer

-  Comcast

I'll go ahead and say that if you can check off 8 out of 10 we're in good shape. Congrats, I love you (or most parts of you) and we are best friends forever!

I'm The Authority On Scary Movies

October is the bees knees, the cat's pajamas, and lots of other old-timey sayings that mean it's the best. Amazing Fall weather, pumpkin spice lattes, cute boots, and my favorite holiday: Halloween.  And Halloween means an influx of scary movies in the theater and on TV. What horror movies will you choose to watch this season? How will you decide? Let me help guide you.

My horror movie credentials date back to grade school. Anytime my mom went out of town, my dad would rent scary movies for me, him, and my brother to watch while eating his famous chili. Which we later found out was pre-made Market Day chili. THE LIES! Anyway, I'll save that traumatizing revelation for another post.

I can't remember for sure what the first scary movie was that I watched but my earliest memory is Halloween. We went through “classics” like the Puppet Master series, Hellraiser, and Pumpkinhead.  We tried The Exorcist but about 1/3 of the way through my dad saw the looks on our faces and turned it off. But since those early days my love of scary movies hasn't wavered. I'll pretty much watch anything in the genre no matter how horrible it looks, becuase you know what? Sometimes awesomely bad horror movies are actually the best. So listen to my recommendations because I'm a self-declared expert, which is the expertiest kind of expert. Now is the perfect season to cuddle up under some cozy blankets in the dark and rewatch some classics and discover new favorites.

Disclaimer: It's insanely hard for me to narrow down this list. I am trying to stick with straight horror movies – I get that Silence of the Lambs, Alien, etc. are incredible movies but I'd categorize those more as thriller and sci-fi than horror. I also realize that you may not agree with my list and I’d love to hear your favorites. I tried to choose the movies that significantly shaped my view of the horror genre and genuinely scared the sh*t out of me.

Halloween

As I mentioned, the first scary movie I remember watching. Michael Myers is such a simple and emotionless yet horrifyingly deranged pure-evil bad guy. Just when you think he might be down for good ...he's most definitely not.

Dawn of the Dead

My fave type of scary movie is one that can also be humorous and sometimes campy (e.g. Evil Dead, Drag Me to Hell, Zombieland). This movie captures that element perfectly which is why it’s my absolute favorite horror movie. And to be totally honest, I actually like the 2004 remake better – The opening sequence and Ty Burrells’s character are awesome.

Psycho

My first Hitchcock film experience. This movie proves you don’t need a huge budget to be truly suspenseful and frightening. And is there a more infamous horror movie scene than the Psycho shower scene? P.S. Let’s not talk about the remake.

 Poltergeist

“They're heeeeere”  So much creepiness in this movie including a clown <<shudder>>. And the scares are pretty much non-stop. It’s the ultimate haunted house movie.

Saw

So let’s ignore the all the ridiculous sequels (yes, I’ve seen them all). I know a lot of people hate this series, but when I watched the original I left thinking the movie was like nothing I had ever seen before. It’s scary and gory and questions what you would do to stay alive. And I for one did not see that twist ending coming at all.

Nightmare on Elm Street

Freddy is a superbly original character with a face and voice you won’t soon forget. Your dreams aren’t supposed to follow you into the waking world but here they do; a world where if you die in your dreams you actually die. Plus the song is just so dang catchy. One, two, Freddy’s coming for you…

The Shining

This movie has so many amazingly frightening elements: Jack Nicholson’s perfect portrayal of Jack Torrence, super creepy children, blood flowing from elevators, Shelly Duvall’s droopface.  Just brilliant. Bonus: the book is really good so read it.

The Descent

Even if you’re not claustrophobic or afraid of the dark, you will be during this movie. Great ratio of suspense and gore. And not to get too feminist but I really like that this movie’s main characters are all female – most of whom kicked ass instead of just running and screaming. A rare and welcome occurrence for horror movies.

Texas Chainsaw Massacre

Just so damn disturbing. Ugh the scene where Sally is forced to dine with the family is absolutely terrifying. Or when Leatherface sledgehammers Kirk then just slams the door closed. Bone-chilling. And the meat hooks, oh the meat hooks. Yikes.

28 Days Later

Danny Boyle’s vision of the zompocalypse is epic. Is there a scarier scenario than waking from a coma to find the world deserted? But wait, it’s not deserted, it’s full of zombies. Fast zombies. Which is probably what ranks this movie to so high – no slow, lumbering zombies here, the 28 Days Later zombies are on a mission.

The Mist

This movie does a great job of capturing a sense of fear and panic. Regardless of the rest of the movie, which I still really like, it’s worth it just for the ending. Best ending ever.

The Exorcist

This is the one and only horror movie that actually gives me nightmares. To this day I can’t get through this movie. Even hearing the theme music makes my skin crawl. I don’t vote it as the best horror film but without a doubt it is the all-time scariest. Watch if you dare.

Really there are so many more that I love, it was so hard to cut down this list to a reasonable number but these are my very top choices.  So stop being such a baby and start crossing some of these films off the list! Then let's discuss them because I really like doing that. If you need a scary movie buddy I’d be happy to watch with you, tell you that everything is going to be ok, and check under your bed for monsters afterward.

Let Me Tell You About That Time I Got Hit By A Car

I've regaled many of you with this story incident debacle fiasco shitstorm already but I've been encouraged numerous times to blog about it and you know I wouldn't want to disappoint my adoring audience so I will attempt to put this ridiculous event into writing.

Y'all are very aware of my feelings on running, but you are also very aware of my eating habits so, seeing as I don't want to be 500 lbs and/or have a heart attack when I'm 32, I have been trying to be good about working out. A few weeks ago I set out for a run after work. I put on a cute little running outfit (one of the only benefits of deciding to be a runner), threw my hair in a ponytail, laced up my shoes, and headed out the door, none the wiser that in about 20 minutes I'd be in one of the most absurd situations of my life. I'm jogging along, listening to my jams, consumed by thoughts of how awful running is because that is the only thing your brain can possibly be filled with while you're running.

This is me:

Run run run. Good lord I hate running. Run run. Do normal people struggle this much with running? Are my lungs half the size of normal people's lungs? Do I have tiny baby lungs? Oh my gosh, I have baby lungs. Run run run run. Yes, pretty psyched that Wheatus just started playing but seriously running is just the worst. Run. Oooo a sprinkler! That was fun! Run run run. Oh I'm about to run in front of an alley. An alley that is just like the other 50 alleys I've run across tonight. Cool. HOLY SHIT A CAR JUST HIT ME.

So this Land Rover comes out of the alley without slowing down at the sidewalk at all and I see it just in time to try to stop myself but I can't stop fast enough so instead I will just use this SUV's front end to stop myself. I was done running anyway. Just kidding, I'm 2 miles from my house, I was NOT done running, you stupid Land Rover.

Basically it was not more than a tap, I didn't even come away with any of those cool injuries that are all like sweet to show to your friends and make you seem like a badass but not bad enough that it requires actual medical attention. You know, those cool kind of injuries. But still, I was just hit by a car. My gut reaction was for my jaw to drop, get really wide-eyed, and blurt “asshole.” At which point the driver yells “C*NT” at me. I'm sorry, WHAT? Your big douche face just hit me with your big jerk car and you are now yelling a horrible word at me? How does your brain work? I would be happy to provide you with a Rules of the Road handbook because myself and Jesse White agree that you are in the wrong and your reaction should have been, “I'm so sorry, are you ok? I know I should have stopped at the sidewalk but I'm a total moron and I promise to never do this again. Thanks to you I will now be a much better driver. By the way you're really pretty and good at running. And here is this apology cookie cake I got for you.”

I thought I was in shock when the car hit me but once this guy yells the c-word at me I'm really in shock. I'm totally speechless so I just look at him like he's out of mind (because he is). At which point he goes “What? Bring it!”

You just blew my mind, guy. This is a man in his late-thirties wearing a suit driving an SUV who just hit a pedestrian and he just told me to “bring it.” Who says that? (And why oh why did I not get over my surprise fast enough to say “It's already been brought.” It was a once in a lifetime opportunity, and I blew it.) Then he just floors it into the street without even looking and speeds off. Every ounce of my being was hoping that when he floored it he hit a car or something else that would have brought some vindication to this encounter.

So then I just continued on my run. When I got home I was so mad that I didn't say anything better to him. The whole situation was so surreal that I couldn't even react but I spent the entire night thinking of all the witty, biting, sardonic things I should have said. And he would have thought about what he did, and he would regret his preposterous word choices, and he would become a better person after the ordeal. But it didn't happen that way and now I'm getting all worked up all over again wishing I would have come back with something better to say that night. Oh well, I'll be ready next time.  

First Annual LDub 1K

A few months ago while out with friends I had a brilliant idea. Well, several brilliant ideas, but one in particular that I will focus on for this post. Lindsay and Olivia got on the topic of races they would be running this Spring and Summer. As they continued to discuss their miles and kilometers and furlongs and parsecs, I became increasingly displeased with the conversation because I had nothing to contribute, it was severely lacking any attention on me, and running sucks. While very impressed with their motivation and running skills, I announced that the only race I'd be able to finish was a 1K. Wait a second, I should have a 1K! And thus, the LDUB 1K was born.

The date was set, invitation created, and the course routed:

When July 8^th finally rolled around, I could barely contain my excitement! I leapt out of bed with visions of bacon, beer, friends, and half-assed running floating in my head. I began the day with the traditional 1K breakfast of corned beef hash, eggs, and a bloody mary. Then I worked on making about 1,000 bacon wrapped dates for post-race sustenance. Olivia came over early to help chalk the start and finish lines.

One of the main highlights of the day was Kristin showing up in this amazing Ldub 1K shirt (she made one for me too but it wasn't quite dry yet).  I seriously still can't get over it.

As we waited for all the 1K participants to congregate, we enjoyed the gorgeous weather playing bags and beer pong.

We sucked so bad at beer pong that to end the game we determined the winner by which team could chug beers the fastest. Pro tip for next year: don't chug a beer right before a race, even if it is only a 1K.

Around 2pm it was go time! We assembled at the start:

And we were off! We did pass some actual runners along the way and were sure to yell at them that they were trying too hard.

Drew put in way too much effort.

Tyler and Bert cheated.

And the winner is:

Dana! Wooooooo! Dana showed just the right combination of enthusiasm and apathy while managing to finish her beer before she crossed the finish line.

We rewarded ourselves with lots more beer and a fantastic snack spread.

The First Annual LDub 1K was a huge success and one of my favorite days EVER. Thanks to everyone who made it so awesome! Already looking forward to the 2^nd Annual 1K. Mark your calendars! In the meantime, if anyone needs help training for the race there is an endless supply of Coors light, bacon, and lethargy at my apartment.

Fat Kids Club

Guh. I haven't put up a new post in almost 3 months. Pathetic. Worst blogger ever. I'm sorry.

But let's all agree it's not me, it's you, and move on.

Let's talk about Fat Kids Club.

 I don't have an official badge or anything but I'm positive I'm a high ranking member. Back in college we quickly accumulated notches on the fat kids belt and haven't looked back since. I'd like to share some on my favorite examples of why I'm a true fat kid at heart.

Eating pants

Senior year of college my roomies and I regularly made dinner together. We all agreed that jeans are so annoying - they don't have a lot of give and don't allow you the freedom to really stuff your face. It quickly became tradition to yell “EATING PANTS” when dinner was almost ready and we'd all rush to our rooms to throw on something with an elastic waistband. I cannot recommend this strategy enough.

Bringing snacks to the bar

This one is pretty self explanatory but I have been known to carry a baggy of Cheeze-Its or Goldfish to the bar. Not all bars are awesome enough to have peanuts or pretzel sticks and you never know when a snack attack is going to hit.

Finishing off a box of cookies because there aren't enough to justify saving

You're eating cookies and milk (which I do pretty much every night) when you and your bloated belly have hit your cookie limit. You're about to pack up the cookies but then you notice there are only 2 cookies left. You're really going to close up the box for 2 cookies? That's not going to be even close to satisfying tomorrow. So instead you take a deep breath and just finish off the box. There was no other option.

Fat kid breathing

I can't take credit for this one as it's Olivia's classic Fat Kids Club move. It's basically when you've gorged yourself so quickly and so much that it actually changes your breathing pattern. It's loud, short breaths. You know you've heard it, or maybe have experienced it yourself. Olivia has on many occasions declared she has entered fat kid breathing mode (like we didn't hear for ourselves) and needs to be taken for a walk.

V.P. Treats

I lived in a house with 4 other girls in grad school and we all had important roles in the house. I was elected V.P. Treats as I was always eating treats and was also responsible for providing treats to the other housemates. I am quite honored to be V.P. Treats, it's a great gig. I put it on my resume.

Post-bar food

I know a lot of people like to grab some drunk food after the bar but I don't think many are as passionate about it as I am. Most of my nights out end with me screaming “cheese fries!” or “burrito!” I spend a lot of my time out thinking about what restaurants nearby are still open. I've gone about a mile out of my way on the walk home so I could “swing by” Weiner Circle. The guys at the burrito place near my house know my order when I walk in the door.

My supply of frozen drunk food

I have a very well stocked freezer ...of frozen items that go in the oven at 425 degrees for 12 minutes. When I don't go out for food after the bar I have to make sure I have plenty of delicious choices at home. Here's what my freezer currently looks like:

Starting at the top left going clockwise: Mini tacos, pizza rolls, frozen pizza, cauliflower in cheese sauce (it does the trick if I get desperate), and mini corn dogs. The current selection is actually pretty weak since I haven't been grocery shopping in a couple weeks. Other regulars include cheese stuffed pretzel bites, taquitos, potato skins, and jalapeno poppers. Impressive, I know.

If I haven't convinced you by now that I'm a certified member of the Fat Kids Club, I don't know what will. And just to clear, I'm eating chocolate chip cookie brownies as I write this.